The Little Things

I have something. It is either a cold or allergies, I don't know what it is, but because of it, I remember how much I enjoy breathing. It is a simple thing that I forget because it is so automatic but now that I can't breathe through my nose, I miss it so much. Especially when I am sleeping - the waking up in the middle of the night because I can't breathe sucks. And as much as I hate to type this, I like mucous - well I like when the mucous flows instead of staying stuck in my head causing me to be congested. Remembering how something as simple as breathing brings me joy reminded me of some other things that I had forgotten I enjoy and have been lucky enough to experience lately ...

- Talking on the phone for hours with someone who understands me

- Playing catch with a cat (Ziggy really does kick the ball back to me)

- Reading fiction for pleasure (TWILIGHT is amazing)

- Playing make believe with friends

- Being in like

- Moving and being as if everything is alright right now

- Doing art projects even though I'm the only person who views it as art

- Creating characters in my own stories

- Going to the park and beach

- Lying in bed with friends watching TV

- Being excited about season finales

- Dancing until the sun comes up

- Having something to believe in

Hot Girl No More

For some time I've proclaimed myself a hot girl. A hot girl is hard to describe but think women like Samantha Jones. I admire the freedom and independence that being a hot girl has to offer. No worrying about some dude and if he's going to see that I'm good enough to settle down with - when you are a hot girl who cares what he thinks or wants. It doesn't matter because it is all in fun right?

My main issue or the flawed part of being a hot girl in this manner for me is that I tend to develop very strong feelings and I can be quite emotional. That does not fit into a hot girls' lifestyle. Hot girls "go hard" and just let things be. They are cool under pressure and don't let things, especially men, "really get to them". Hot girls have hard shells and don't let people get in. At the end of the day, they don't put out much or allow their total self shine through because they don't want some man to have that power over them. They want to feel free and not tied down to someone else's idea of who they "should" be. They don't want to be judged or held back. They want to do their own thing in their career, social life and other endeavors. Hot girls want to be in total control.

Even the fictional prototype for my hot girlness has faced this dilemma. Remember when she fell for Richard? Once you let your guard down, you are screwed - so you gotta stay hard. But sometimes when being "hard" that one finds you and you have no choice but to break down and put your hot girlness aside (like when she met Smith).

Sometimes you meet people that can change your perspective and give you hope that there is something better out there than the life you have lived to this point. It is very challenging for me because I am so used to doing things MY way. I established these ways to protect myself so the idea of releasing them seems hard. I'm not sure what is going on but for the first time since I vowed to be the last hot girl standing (the rest of 'em got married or engaged and settled down over the last few years), I see the value in being with just one person. I like the feeling of being involved in something a little more substantial. I now feel like getting into a relationship doesn't have to make me less anything. The whole notion doesn't seem as whack as it did before.

I admit, it was a man that changed my mind. Don't know for sure if he is THE man, but I'm not even attached to if he is or isn't - that's not the point. I'm more concerned with the lesson he was meant to bring. The point is that I remembered what I really want - the hot girlness is not my true desire - it is what I developed because I couldn't find and wasn't getting what I really wanted. At my very core, I want something real and substantial but because I didn't get that I decided to say F it and do my thing. I was being dishonest with myself and the men I knew - probably because I was confused and trying to possess them.

I take responsibility for my hot girlness and my past failures in relationships. I forgive myself for not being honest about what I truly wanted. I free myself to receive what it is that I really want. I no longer term myself a hot girl - like with other labels, I let it go (No Definition Can Hold Me). I am not putting everything on this one man, and I have no desire to possess him. I am, however, truly grateful that he reminded me of what it is I truly want.

Coffee Is Bad

I came into work this morning feeling like a cup of coffee. I don't recall the last time I had a cup of coffee - it is not my favorite but I do partake every now and then. For some reason today, I felt like a nice hot cup. And it was really tasty. Around 2 I was cold and not really that hungry, so I decided to have another cup (the first was so good!). Well, now I remember why I don't like coffee. I feel high ... well actually I feel like how it feels when the high wears off. I feel blah, irritable and jittery. An hour ago I was a ball of energy - even though I work at a desk so the bouncing and movement was not "normal". Then paranoia set in - does everyone notice I feel strange? I know for a fact what I put into my body today and this coffee (legal substance, people partake daily, a coffee shop or two on every corner) is DEFINITELY affecting me like a drug! And not a good one. I'm done with caffeine in the workplace - it is NOT appropriate! I can not fathom how kids perform in high school after starting their day w/a iced cafe mocha anything from Starbucks or those other "pushers"!

My Name is DaVida ... And I Am A Hoarder

Don't trip - I said HOARDER not WHORE! LOL!

I have come to realize that I can hoard. Definitions.com says to hoard is to keep hidden or private. I am guilty of that. With material items such as clothes or jewelry, I'll be really pressed to get some "thing". I'll talk about it. I'll watch it at the store. I'll look at online. And when I'm finally able to attain or possess it, I put it away until some "good" event comes along so I can wear it. But what ends up happening is that it will sit in my closet for months because nothing I deem "worthy" enough will come along. I've gotten the emails about the woman who died and her husband found tons of lingerie she had been saving and never wore - I get that but I find myself saying things like "but I'm on a budget, so I've got to save this because I won't be able to get anything new later".

When it comes to my look, I have not been putting time or effort there either. This has been a long term issue.I grew up learning that when you are pretty you don't have to try hard because you'll still be pretty regardless. I was also taught that if you dress up or do your self up everyday when a special event or occasion comes along no one will notice you because you look like that everyday. And so it began. I'd look BANGING for events, parties, etc. but catch me on a "regular" day, you might find me looking a mess. In high school, my ponytail was never sleek - they still tease me about how my edges would be wild and crazy. A friend told me an observation recently - she said that she was really vain and that she wishes she could be like me and just not care when she went out; she remarked how I go to work everyday early/on time with my hair and clothes any kind of way. I know she meant in love but my ego thought what a beyotch! LOL! Ego has a way of ignoring the truth and moving on, so I kept it moving NOT combing my hair to "show her". Luckily, the goodness of God always finds a way to get through to us. He let another friend say similar things in a way and at a time where my ego was not so "crunk". This friend suggested I maintain my look. She suggested just doing the things I could do on my own to extend the services I get done (ie - if I can only afford to get my hair done once every couple of months, commit to doing it myself). Initially there was resistance to what she said (I CAN NOT DO HAIR!), but after a minute, it sunk in and made sense.

Since there is a unique oneness in life, I realized this hoarding occurs in many areas of my life. I've discovered that I've been hoarding my talent. I'll come up with some creative idea and shelf it because now is not the right time or I'm not in a good space to do whatever it is right now. These are excuses and false beliefs that I'm feeling my head with for no other reason than I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll put a lot of work into something and it will be rejected and no one will "get" it. I also deny what I really want to do because I'm afraid. I let myself get off track because if I were REALLY to step up, I'd have to prove I am as good as I say I am and that is scary for some reason.

I've decided I'm ready to get help for my addiction to being a hoarder. I'm going to push myself to be my true self - someone who enjoys dressing up , looking nice and going after their creative stuff. I'm going to stop bothering my friends to do their thing (ie sing, dance, act, write in magazines) and put that energy on reaching my own goals. And the Universe is responding already. I answered an ad on craigslist for a woman who needed a hair model for her "audition" to work at a salon I've been dying to go to but had said I could not afford it (even though I never even looked into the prices). She was FABOULOUS and I have a haircut/color I absolutely love.

I've gotten bomb hair before but yesterday as I sat their looking at myself, I recognized the difference now is that I see the beauty within and I want to share that. I don't want to hoard or save it for a "good" event - EVERYDAY is a "good" event and I am ready to embrace that.

BUT remember I'm recovering - so be patient with a sista!

I Ran MY Race

Athletes are people I respect - the discipline, the training, the great bodies - yep, I like how athletes operate. I have always wanted to run - like Flo Jo run - but I've always thought I wasn't ready. I WAS though! I ran the REVLON Run/Walk on May 10! It was amazing. I didn't end up running the entire time, but I made it. I finished in a little over 45 minutes. I felt/feel great about it! I feel a sense of accomplishment and I raised money for women's cancers! AND I got to do it with an old friend and found some new common ground. I am so appreciative I got to run my race!

That Boy Is Good

As a senior in high school, I remember being very "interested" in sex. I had a steady boyfriend and we'd "play" and stuff but I wanted to "do it" like people talked about in songs. Then this artist hit the scene with his song, CAN U GET WIT IT. It was on - I liked young Usher Raymond b/c he was feeling what I was! LOL! I became more of a fan as time went on because we got to see a TRUE entertainer in Usher - not only could he sing lyrics that made this girl wanna get with it, but he could REALLY dance. Album after album, single after single, hot video after hot video, Usher kept me intrigued. Today he is still doing it. He manages to stay relevant and always delivers the hotness. I just watched last night's SNL and his performance was as they always are - HOT. ENJOY ...

I Don't Know Why I ...

Jay Z has a song ALLURE that made me shed tears the first 10 or so times I heard it. This one line from the chorus broke me down -

"But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back ...

It called me right back ...

man it called me right back ..."

Story of my life - old habits, old memories, old s#@* just keep calling me back.

OH NO.

I am like the little hamster on the wheel running and running but just staying in place. The scenery changes - Baton Rouge changed to Indiana changed to Houston which turned into L.A. Job issues switch - from McKinley Middle to Purdue to VCA and now BEP. Fallouts with friends - well that list is too long. My body changes - I put on weight, lose weight and wobble in between. The look changes - cut my hair, grow it out, weave it up, permed it and rocked a bright red fro. I've pierced my nose, my ears and my stomach - and all the rings fell out. I've changed so much that I have ended up right back where I started.

"IT" (the drama, the insecurities, the pain, the feelings of lack, the guilt, the constant NEED to change) keeps calling me back ... and I keep answering - and I can not for the life of me figure out why ...

And I'm done trying to figure it out.

I'm not a hamster, I'm a human so that gives me some choices in how my life is going to go. I am stepping off the wheel right now ... again. But this time in a different way- no judgement, letting it be what it is; no extreme expectations or attachments to results - no should's/must's/have to's.

Only requirement - enjoying the moment and being grateful at all times (even the times that hurt). I'll be taking more deep breaths and sitting in meditaion a little more (and longer), not "trying" to change, but rather constantly evolving - growing and developing naturally, letting what will be BE. I'm taking a key from catepillars and I'm going to gradually become a butterfly - when it IS time, not when I feel or want or make things happen.

I'm letting go of getting high from the life. I've decided not to answer even though it is SCREAMING for me to come back ...