5.15.2008

I Don't Know Why I ...

Jay Z has a song ALLURE that made me shed tears the first 10 or so times I heard it. This one line from the chorus broke me down -
"But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back ...
It called me right back ...
man it called me right back ..."
Story of my life - old habits, old memories, old s#@* just keep calling me back.
OH NO.
I am like the little hamster on the wheel running and running but just staying in place. The scenery changes - Baton Rouge changed to Indiana changed to Houston which turned into L.A. Job issues switch - from McKinley Middle to Purdue to VCA and now BEP. Fallouts with friends - well that list is too long. My body changes - I put on weight, lose weight and wobble in between. The look changes - cut my hair, grow it out, weave it up, permed it and rocked a bright red fro. I've pierced my nose, my ears and my stomach - and all the rings fell out. I've changed so much that I have ended up right back where I started.
"IT" (the drama, the insecurities, the pain, the feelings of lack, the guilt, the constant NEED to change) keeps calling me back ... and I keep answering - and I can not for the life of me figure out why ...
And I'm done trying to figure it out.
I'm not a hamster, I'm a human so that gives me some choices in how my life is going to go. I am stepping off the wheel right now ... again. But this time in a different way- no judgement, letting it be what it is; no extreme expectations or attachments to results - no should's/must's/have to's.
Only requirement - enjoying the moment and being grateful at all times (even the times that hurt). I'll be taking more deep breaths and sitting in meditaion a little more (and longer), not "trying" to change, but rather constantly evolving - growing and developing naturally, letting what will be BE. I'm taking a key from catepillars and I'm going to gradually become a butterfly - when it IS time, not when I feel or want or make things happen.
I'm letting go of getting high from the life. I've decided not to answer even though it is SCREAMING for me to come back ...

1 comment:

mama's got moxie said...

hey, i think change can be a good thing...especially if the change is just about the physical so don't be so hard on yourself about that ol' hamster wheel. we all get older, change a bit and enjoy a new hair-do from time-to-time! it's all a part of life. from a few of the posts i've read here, it sounds like you're growing in the right direction, girlie! :)

oh, and thanks for stopping by my place!

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