My Name is DaVida ... And I Am A Hoarder

Don't trip - I said HOARDER not WHORE! LOL!

I have come to realize that I can hoard. Definitions.com says to hoard is to keep hidden or private. I am guilty of that. With material items such as clothes or jewelry, I'll be really pressed to get some "thing". I'll talk about it. I'll watch it at the store. I'll look at online. And when I'm finally able to attain or possess it, I put it away until some "good" event comes along so I can wear it. But what ends up happening is that it will sit in my closet for months because nothing I deem "worthy" enough will come along. I've gotten the emails about the woman who died and her husband found tons of lingerie she had been saving and never wore - I get that but I find myself saying things like "but I'm on a budget, so I've got to save this because I won't be able to get anything new later".

When it comes to my look, I have not been putting time or effort there either. This has been a long term issue.I grew up learning that when you are pretty you don't have to try hard because you'll still be pretty regardless. I was also taught that if you dress up or do your self up everyday when a special event or occasion comes along no one will notice you because you look like that everyday. And so it began. I'd look BANGING for events, parties, etc. but catch me on a "regular" day, you might find me looking a mess. In high school, my ponytail was never sleek - they still tease me about how my edges would be wild and crazy. A friend told me an observation recently - she said that she was really vain and that she wishes she could be like me and just not care when she went out; she remarked how I go to work everyday early/on time with my hair and clothes any kind of way. I know she meant in love but my ego thought what a beyotch! LOL! Ego has a way of ignoring the truth and moving on, so I kept it moving NOT combing my hair to "show her". Luckily, the goodness of God always finds a way to get through to us. He let another friend say similar things in a way and at a time where my ego was not so "crunk". This friend suggested I maintain my look. She suggested just doing the things I could do on my own to extend the services I get done (ie - if I can only afford to get my hair done once every couple of months, commit to doing it myself). Initially there was resistance to what she said (I CAN NOT DO HAIR!), but after a minute, it sunk in and made sense.

Since there is a unique oneness in life, I realized this hoarding occurs in many areas of my life. I've discovered that I've been hoarding my talent. I'll come up with some creative idea and shelf it because now is not the right time or I'm not in a good space to do whatever it is right now. These are excuses and false beliefs that I'm feeling my head with for no other reason than I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll put a lot of work into something and it will be rejected and no one will "get" it. I also deny what I really want to do because I'm afraid. I let myself get off track because if I were REALLY to step up, I'd have to prove I am as good as I say I am and that is scary for some reason.

I've decided I'm ready to get help for my addiction to being a hoarder. I'm going to push myself to be my true self - someone who enjoys dressing up , looking nice and going after their creative stuff. I'm going to stop bothering my friends to do their thing (ie sing, dance, act, write in magazines) and put that energy on reaching my own goals. And the Universe is responding already. I answered an ad on craigslist for a woman who needed a hair model for her "audition" to work at a salon I've been dying to go to but had said I could not afford it (even though I never even looked into the prices). She was FABOULOUS and I have a haircut/color I absolutely love.

I've gotten bomb hair before but yesterday as I sat their looking at myself, I recognized the difference now is that I see the beauty within and I want to share that. I don't want to hoard or save it for a "good" event - EVERYDAY is a "good" event and I am ready to embrace that.
BUT remember I'm recovering - so be patient with a sista!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is why you're my homie!

Another on-point post! I truly felt everything you said, especially the part about "hoarding my talent"...
Whew! That TRULY hit home!

I've always been prissy, but it pretty much was a reflection my insecurities. I on the other hand felt I had to work hard to look good, because I wasn't pretty enough. Where I am now is I still get dressed up and pay attention to how I look when I step outside, BUT I "try" to not be so stressed about this little piece of hair being in place, this eyebrow looking the EXACT same as the other. There is nothing like having a oneness with yourself to where you love you for you more than before. That doesn't mean arrogance, but acceptance.

You are such an inspiration, so keep allowing others to grow through your growth by sharing!

-Gina H (:thenotic:)

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