I got tagged!!!! My favorite blogger (disclaimer: that I've never met before in "real" life) of the blog apt. tbd tagged me! She does such a great job on her blog that I'm excited that she chose me to tag. And I was confused about what to post next so being tagged works! YAY!!!!
- I'm getting my hair done this week! I'm really excited. My sorority line sister is an amazing stylist (she's worked all around the world for Toni and Guy) has opened her own salon in Houston, Texas! I'll be there visiting my mom, who is getting me a "new do" for the new year!
- I found out a terrible reality on Saturday - I suck at Guitar Hero! I always thought that would be the video game for me. I love music and not so secretly think I'm a rock star just in my daily actions so I was terribly disappointed to crash and burn on this game. My friend bought it over the weekend we played ... well he played and I sucked! LOL! I spent about 30 minutes in practice mode (Eye of the Tiger) so hopefully I'll be better the next time around.
- I want to live in New Orleans, La. I feel a certain energy when I enter the city. Literally when I drive into the city I feel like this is where I should be. I do not know why I feel that way though. Am I really feeling N.O. or am I being afraid to return to L.A.? Time will tell ... I'm meditating on it.
- When I'm honest with myself, I realize that I feel like I do not know where to go or what to do next. I'm generally extremely ambitious but lately I'm having trouble coming up with goals I can stick to. I'm being patient with myself but lately I don't really know who I am so it has been interesting.
- I really want an IPhone. I'm waiting until Jan. 13 when I can upgrade my phone. I won't get it for free, but I'll get a discount. I feel kind of weird about it though because I can get a host of other phones/PDA's for free but why would I do that when I can own what seems to be one of the most wonderful and amazing technology inventions of our time?
- LOVE IS IN THE AIR! My friend Kendra got married in the Bahamas on Friday and my other friend got engaged in Mexico on Saturday on her birthday!!! I'm excited for both of these women because they are examples that you can have it all - they both have great careers and have found love with the men they dreamt of! That makes me excited that there are women out there living full and complete lives (complete with their dream career and dream love). Ahhh, my day is coming ;)
and here's 6 people I'd like to learn more about so I'm tagging:
- Karla from Confessions of a Former Hot Girl
- Bianca from As In Jagger
- Patranila from My Beautifully Brilliant Life
- Vanessa from Chuliboobs
- Ran from Still Standing
- Stella B (b/c I miss you blogging lady!)
Here are the rules: mention the rules on your blog. Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself. Tag six others. Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they are tagged.
- I got my very first movie credit (I'm IMDB'able!)
- I committed myself to blogging (I wrote over 100 blogs this year!)
- I completed two classes at the Agape Spiritual Center (meditation and financial freedom)
- I completed a 5K run (I walked some but I did run)
- I completed a 21 day detox
- I drove alone from California to Louisiana (all 1,596 miles!)
- I worked for one of my idols in the entertainment industry
- I completed an 8 week intro to iyengar yoga course
- From January to August I was tithed to the place of my spiritual growth
- I committed to completing a 40 day course of "Calling In The One"
- I went to Miami! (I LOVE Miami and made it my mission 2 years ago to return at least once a year)
- I read at least 1 book a month
- I volunteered in my community
- I took a huge risk (and although I'm currently unemployed I think making that leap was courageous and will ultimately be the catalyst for me to reach my career goals)
- I read Eckhart Tolle's A NEW EARTH and completed Oprah's 10 week course
These are some of the things I can remember and I'm pretty excited as I look back at what has transpired this year in terms of my growth (whether it be physical, emotional, mental and of course spiritual). I know that I am not the person I was a mere 365 days ago! I do have some goals I'd like to see come true next year but for a while I'm going to celebrate this year. I love celebrations!!!
I would be you, you would be me, we would be one, we would be just fine
The ice caps wouldn't be melting and neither would I, mmh
I would just drive my big old car, and everything would be alright
And energy would just fall down right from the sky, yeah
Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mind into your heart, into your life
And everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
My dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)
For the real world just don't feel right
I wouldn't spend my days searching for, searching for lost time, yeah hey yee (ooh ooh, dream)
I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by
No matter what the weather, I'd learn to change, I'd change with the time, yeah he
And everytime I need a woman, she'd appear right by me
she hold me tight, treat me right, and tell me that everything is gonna be, is gonna be alright, alright
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld
I would tell Van Gogh that he was loved, there's no need to cry
I would say Marvin Gay your father didn't want you to die (dream)
There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right
We could down in Mississipi and no one would look at us trice, ehhe he yihi
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)
This was extremely helpful because I find that the dream for my life is constantly changing and evolving. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in Los Angeles. I moved to L.A. in 2005 and earlier this year deeply felt like I was over being there. This was extremely hard because I had/have no idea what I'd want to do if it wasn't being in L.A. since I've wanted that for as long as I remember. What happens when dreams change?
Well I began to review my life. My dreams have changed quite a bit. As far as career, I have had three (teacher, sports information director, Hollywood assistant). I've excelled at them all (my students excelled on their aptitude tests and I passed all of my classroom evaluations; at Purdue I was promoted from intern to full time assistant S.I.D. in six months becoming proficient in all aspects of that field and in H'wood, I had the opportunity to work for three of the most accomplished management companies and have stellar recommendations from them all). But at some point of all of those things, at some point, I was ready to move on - even though that meant leaving behind whatever financial level I had achieved. I have started over a lot. I'm ready to move on now but am I really ready to start over? I want to live in New Orleans and work in the city's film and video department to help the economic relief program. It is an exciting time there - everything is "on the verge" of becoming whatever it is going to become and I want to be on the ground floor of that. I think that unlike Hollywood, I have a unique opportunity to be involved in both entertainment (which I love) and local politics (a longterm secret desire of mine). There is so much opportunity there that I don't readily see in any other location. These opportunities though find me in a position I didn't want to be in at 32.
To pursue these opportunities in New Orleans, I would have to live in my home state and get my hustle on. I've done this before in both Indiana and California but that was different because I felt like I had nothing to lose (I was young and not under the pressure of being around people who know me). I find it hard here because quite honestly I am embarrassed. At home, people I went to college with are financially secure, have homes and are pursuing "real" careers (ie doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc.). In Hollywood, everyone I know is like me (pursuing some dream regardless of the financial implications). I know I shouldn't be concerned with how others view me, but quite honestly, this situation is bringing me face to face with my beliefs on myself - I feel that someone of my age with my education SHOULD be at a certain level financially.
At the end of the day, I am working on acceptance. If I truly accept this situation for what it is, I must admit that I want to go after what New Orleans has for me. I have to accept that my dream and the location of my dream has changed. I would be compelled to accept that at this time I do not have certain material possessions and be grateful for those things I do have. And as I sit with those realizations, it feels okay. I honestly feel if I pursue the desires of my heart, everything else will fall into place. And these days, what is financial security anyway?
Hmmm, this is the best part of blogging/journaling. In this entry, I was able to determine what is truly important to me and it is not what people (including my judgmental side) think of what is happening in my life. Right now I want to pursue my dream ... whatever it may be today.
This week was huge for America with the election of Barack Obama! How exciting a time for people in this country. In a land that is plagued by its history of slavery and bondage of certain groups of people, we have overcome by electing the son of a black man and a white woman. Ahhh, we are making progress ... well we are in some ways. Discrimination is still alive and well - F*&# discrimination!
Discrimination is defined as unfair treatment of a person or group on the basis of prejudice. How is it okay to discriminate against gays ESPECIALLY by minority groups and religious factions who have BOTH been discriminated against? F*&@ THAT! How can one after another religious leader get on TV and say that their belief in God gives them the right to stop gay people from getting married? Huh? I know that everyone has different religious beliefs but at the core of EVERY religion is a message of love from God. I do not claim to know everything but I have no qualms about sharing my knowledge that GOD CREATED EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!GOD IS IN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ... EVEN THE GAY PEOPLE! AND SHOCKINGLY GOD LOVES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!
I am straight and plan to one day share my life with my soul mate. What if I happen to fall in love with a white man who beats the crap out of me every other night? That would be a legally accepted union. I could marry a black man and we could cheat on each other and have kids outside of our relationship and the law would support that union as a marriage too. I could also fall in love with and legally marry a child molester and that would be legal and okay. BUT if my sister ends up growing up gay (which there is no indication that she is not into boys, in fact it seems as if she is quite into boys but I digress) and falls in love with a great, law abiding woman who is kind, compassionate, caring and her soul mate that is NOT okay? Or my friend who is definitely gay can attend the weddings of each of his friends throughout his lifetime but can never legally marry the love of his life. REALLY?And that's not discrimination? F*&@ THAT!
Discrimination in America is WRONG regardless of your reasons behind it. It is inappropriate on all fronts. Before you discriminate against any group of people, look at your life and look at your history - it is likely that someone with your gender, race, religious background, sexual preference, academic record, socio-economic status, etc. has been discriminated against. Don't be the victim who abuses because he's been abused. That is not progress ...
I got mad when I saw the inappropriate pictures but not just at her but more so at my mom - why the hell would you buy that for your 15 year old and let her wear it!!!! So I told on her. All hell broke loose because my mom got mad because her pictures were online. I'm mad because my mom doesn't get why I'm mad - that she bought the suit in the first place. And my sister is mad because I "snitched" on her. ARGH! That's why you should have your kids closer together in age. Obviously my loyalty is to my sister which is why I told in the first place but it is difficult to be her friend because she's freakin' 15 and her judgement is sometimes questionable.
I have to go to bed early because I have to get enough sleep for work.
Hi, I'm not available but if you are calling to ask me where I'm going to move
to, what I'm going to do about a job, how do I feel about anything related to my
current situation or anything related to anything in the future, the unequivocal answer is I DO NOT KNOW. Additionally, if you are calling to say if I were in that situation you I'd do blah blah blah, I don't know what I'd do, it'll work out, this will never work out, do what you feel, you can't just do what you feel, get a job doing something else, be a substitute teacher or any other tidbits of advice, thanks but no thanks - I'm simply unable to process it at this time. I'll let you know what I figure out when I figure it out.
- I was raised in Plaquemine, Louisiana - a city with a population less than 10,000.
- I now live in Los Angeles - a city with a population of over 3 million
- I was born on the astrological cusp of Cancer and Leo - it means I can be contradictory in nature (Cancer/Leos are a handful)
- I'm just becoming okay with being a handful - I'd rather be neat, nice and easy instead of hard to understand, moody, emotional and sensitive. Easy would be to fit into a box and I simply don't.
- I am very nice.
- One of the nicest gifts I ever got as a result of my niceness was an autographed copy of "The Power of Nice" from one of the authors because I was so kind to her when she'd call the office I worked at.
- I am extremely educated - I graduated from college and law school
- I only went to law school to make me more prepared for a career on the business side of entertainment
- I guess that makes me disciplined
- I am also very persuasive - I can persuade myself into doing or not doing things all the time
- I am currently persuading myself to be okay without a job
- I love working - when I have a job that is on my career path that is exciting or fulfilling to me, I go above and beyond - it becomes my life
- I have always had jobs that were not typical 9-5's - I've held some "interesting" job positions (I've been a valet parker, cocktail waitress, bartender, schoolteacher, Hollywood assistant and a sports information director)
- When I have a job that I love or enjoy, it is my most important relationship
- I am currently ready to have a love relationship - a real one based on mutual love not just sex, control or ego based needs.
- I've fallen in love in the club on several occasions ... darn that Usher for making light of what it means to REALLY have love in the club.
- Because I didn't fully know what it meant to be in love, I did research on what it means to be ready for a relationship. Some friends and I started a book club and dedicated 7 weeks to the book "Calling In The One." This is week 7 :)
- The activity I want to do after this is to compose a list of 35 things to do before I turn 35 and then begin doing them.
- It would be amazing to be on the Hollywood Reporter's top 35 under 35 list.
- I like being recognized for doing great works, whether I've done the good deed or someone else.
- Recognizing and celebrating the talents of others is one of my favorite things to do - I want to have a home big enough to host intimate talent nights where all of my friends come over, eat a great meal, have drinks and everyone has to share their talent.
- My talent would be to make the amazing meals and host the evening.
- I'm anal about planning events - even if it is having a friend over for drinks. I have a vision of how I want things to go and when they don't go that way I don't react well.
- I have an A type personality and am attracted to other A types. My worst A type behavior is when I'm bothered is to purse my lips, take a deep breath, say OK then iterate whatever it is I have to say. (I've been told it makes the people I'm speaking to feel stupid.)
- As much as I enjoy socializing and social activities, I relish in my time alone.
- My favorite alone activity is watching TV - it has always been my thing.
- When I was little I like TV so much that my punishment when I was bad was being sent outside to play.
- My favorite tv shows of all time were Ally McBeal and The Practice - I think David E. Kelly is a beast!
- I've loved to read since I was young as well - my favorite all-time book is "To Kill a Mockingbird."
- I really enjoy John Grisham books too ... maybe that is why law school was so appealing.
- Now a days, I have been reading quite a few non-fiction books dealing with spirituality.
- I have concluded that I'm at the apex of my spiritual journey - you know the high point where all of my journeys come together to this pivotal point where I grow into the full potential I was created for ... so I try to remember that when it gets crazy.
- Now that I'm unemployed I'm taking time to do and focus on things that truly make me happy.
- I have 2 tattoos and really want a new one - they really are addictive.
- I have had 5 body piercings (not counting my regular earring holes) but they are now all closed up. I miss my nose ring the most and it is the only one I'd get again.
- I change my mind alot about my appearance and have gone through many "looks" over the years - but my general day to day is quite laxed.
- I've had a bunch of hairstyles too - my favorite being super dooper long during high school and my least favorite a super short cropped natural died auburn.
- I love having my picture taken- I think I'm photogenic.
- While the music business is not as strong as it used to be, I think the amount of talent that is emerging is exciting and interesting.
- I'm feeling this rapper/singer/actor named Drake right now.
- I think the internet is the best invention ever because you can find anything or anyone in an instant.
- I had a pen pal in grade school - Summer from Denham Springs.
- I have an e-pen pal that I'm convinced is on my spiritual journey - Robin from ATL.
- I am highly intuitive and I'm learning how to make rather allow the intuition to work for me.
- In college, I was in a pageant I said "I keep it real" and became known as the "real" or "keep it real" girl ... damn that JLo for making a song from the pages of my life.
- I think in her hayday JLo had the best look around - she was the fiercest in my opinion.
- While I think it is the biggest blessing in the world, sometimes having a baby can end your career.
- But if being I could look like Halle Berry after having a baby, sign me up!
- I am so in awe that a qualified biracial man could be President of the United States in around two weeks.
- I am also in awe that some many people are clouded by racism and bigotry.
- I want a new hobby but not sure what I want to try.
- I want to learn to swim very badly - I literally have dreams at least once a week where I'm swimming and floating.
- When I was a kid, I'd fantasize that I was switched at birth and my real family was extremely rich and would find me one day.
- I convinced this kid Peter that I was biracial and the bastard daughter of the bad seed in the family that owned a huge department store near my hometown.
- I had quite the imagination and I now recognize it is creativity.
- As a creative outlet, I make clip art books (I clip things from magazines and do layouts to tell stories in photo albums).
- I have kept a journal consistently since junior year in college.
- I've felt a connection to Brazil for quite some time.
- I enjoy traveling and want to get more stamps on my passport as soon as possible.
- I one sister, LeAnna. We are 16 years apart in age. We have the same mother but different fathers. I have an older sister on my dad's side but since we weren't raised together I often forget ... that makes me feel shady since I generally say I have one little sister.
- LeAnna has a sister that is AMAZING and I claim her too as my sister because when my mom dated her dad, they treated us the same. I guess I forget my sister on my dad's side since we were not raised as sisters.
- When I was younger, I always wished for an older brother.
- I can't say that I always or never do anything - I don't have absolutes like that. I try but once I realize I always do something I inadvertently stop and if I realize I never do something else, I try it or am forced to do it.
- I owe a fine at the public library I need to pay.
- My grandmother had 6 grandchildren - 2 of them were from my aunt Brenda who was adopted. The other four of us are all 8 years apart.
- My grandmother has survived a lot of deaths among her love ones - she's buried her parents, a brother, a sister, a husband, a son and a granddaughter (Gloria died in August).
- My grandmother's father and brother opened a funeral home. When they both died, my great uncle's wife became owner and operator which I think rocks. At an older age, she went to school for funeral director and managed to keep the business alive.
- I enjoy stories where people are able to make something seemingly impossible possible.
- I have never broken anything or had any surgeries.
- When bad things happen, it feels like it is the end of the world.
- When good things happen, I'm not sure it feels as strongly.
- I've lived in 4 states - Louisiana, Indiana, Texas, California.
- Ironically, I had the most fun and well balanced life in Indiana.
- I worked in the sports information department at Purdue when Drew Brees was quarterback and now he's the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints - I think that is pretty ironic.
- I watch sports and enjoy it.
- I think that is going to be a huge plus when I do fall in love.
- Among my many good qualities as it relates to a mate, I think my future hubby will be happy that I'm an avid sports fan and enjoys cooking and having folk over the game ... as long as that game isn't baseball.
- I have to go watch baseball live - I love going to baseball games but will not watch a game on tv.
- I have never had a train ride but want to soon.
- I have not gone to San Fransisco yet but want to go to Northern California before I move away from here.
- I have a strange infatuation with the mafia - I'm fascinated by it.
- I used to want to be a mafia wife.
- I also used to want to be Vanity who is now a preacher. There's some irony because I love to speak at church and church events.
- I've been in two official book clubs, one in Indiana, one in Cali'.
- My favorite read from the Ind. group was "Plain Truth" and from the Cali' group was "Perfume" ... both were eventually made into movies.
- I recently saw "The Secret Life of Bees" another book to movie. I truly enjoyed it.
- The first time I heard Alicia Keyes singing, I knew she'd be around for a while because her voice was so great.
- I don't have a favorite singer because I can't narrow it down to just one.
- Frasier is on Lifetime right now and it is laugh out loud funny.
- I was in a sorority in college.
- I am a fan of sudoku.
- No matter how much I weigh I generally wish I could lose or gain 5-10 pounds.
- I can be a bit nit-picky.
- I am practicing gratitude.
- I'm embracing each moment as it comes.
- I'm practicing compassion with myself.
- I'm loving myself more and more each day.
- Now Golden Girls is on which is also making me laugh aloud.
- I've got a sip of my coffee left.
Oprah is amazing - she is a true inspiration. She uses her celebrity to promote her ideals - regardless of how it is received by the media and the world. When challenged by the beef industry, she didn't fold on her position - she fought back. When she found a politician she could believe in, she stood behind him in a very vocal and obvious way. When she realized that certain metaphysical principles have provided her with a better life, she decided to share them with the world. While doing all of this, she was not always praised or well received - in fact, there are often groups that are calling for boycotts of her show and magazine. She doesn't quit though, it seems like she pushes harder.
Okay, if I'm going to speak on folk who broke the mold, didn't follow set standards or practices and did not care about what people thought of him, how could I forget Jesus! I was raised as a Christian, so by definition, I follow Christ. When I was attending a more traditional church I would get so caught up in the church ways and they way the church thought but the whole point (in my opinion) is to act as Christ acted. I chose to deviate from the religious aspects and seek the spiritual truth for myself. In coming to the truth, I had to resign myself to follow Christ ... to follow Christ's ways ... to find the Christlike qualities of myself. Remember the Bible stories? Jesus hung out with ALL the people, including the undesirable, spreading love and goodness no matter what his enemies said or did. Jesus was not concerned with his image among others. Jesus didn't get caught up in their thoughts or ideas about how he should behave or who he should be. Jesus was focused on the bigger picture - he was focused on his destiny and what his life was about.
Me - Hi! How are you?
Her - I'm fine, how may I help you?
Me - I just need to pay my phone bill. May I do that here?
Her - Sure, we have an automated machine right there.
Me - Great. Does it take cash?
Her - Yes but you need exact change.
Me - Hmmm, got change for $100? I only need to pay $80.
Her - Umm no.
Me - Ok, may I just pay you?
Her - Yes but it will be an additional $5.
Me - Huh?
Her - ATT has a policy if a customer comes in to pay their bill it costs $5.
Me - So let me get this straight, if I pay in the machine it takes my entire bill but if I pay you and can get change it is an additional $5 that won't go toward my bill. I don't get it.
Her - Well they charge $5 because it takes away from the customers in the store.
Me - (As I look around at the empty store) What I'm not a customer?
Her - Shoulder Shrug
- Find, implement and participate in a physical fitness routine that works for my schedule
- Implement daily meditation into my spiritual practice
- Save enough money to go to Kendra's wedding in the Bahamas this December
- Continue to explore my career goals and find (or create) a position that allows me to do all I desire
- Living a life driven from within instead of constantly seeking external things
I think my blog (and the blogs I read often) have given me great insight and inspiration to continue to grow into the autonomous creature I was created to be! I'm extremely excited about the unfolding of this journey and the opportunity to share it here on my blog!
I am loving this week!!! So much good stuff happening ...
- So my favorite summer reality show is Big Brother. This year was the 10th and best ever in my opinion. Dan, one of my top three favorite players (I chose Libra, Renny and Dan) unanimously won and had the best strategic approach I have seen in all my years of watching the show. He played weak the whole time when in actuality he was clearly one of the most fierce competitors in the 10 year history of the show. YAY Dan!
- I began watching MTV's "G's to Gents" this summer as well and it's finale was also on Tuesday. This show was great because I got to see that Mr. Fonzworth Bentley, yep Puffy's former umbrella carrier, was not the buffoon I had pegged him as when he would dance around like a fool all the time. He hosted this show that gave young "G's" the opportunity to grow into gentlemen. The more I watched the show I realized Mr. Bentley was really genuine in his attempt to give these young men an opportunity to learn and grow. The transformation of the winner, Creepa (a self-pronounced goon) REALLY changed. It was an obvious growth right in front of over eyes over the duration of the show. YAY Creepa and Mr. Bentley!!! And most importantly YAY MTV for putting this type of programming on ... I mean it IS MTV so they could have reserved that space for a Hills spinoff or more Tila Tequila shows or better yet, as Common said, more bitchin' azz rich kids on Sweet Sixteen.
- I didn't just experience my life this week at home and at work. I actually got out and did some things. I didn't let the "oh no I can't because I have to work" excuse keep me in the house. I went out on Monday and Wednesday and have plans for Friday (there's the great program at church I'm excited about). I feel like this week has been an example in the balance that my life has needed for sometime. YAY Me!!
- This is a quick shout out my hot girl clique that will descend upon Indianapolis on Saturday. Unfortunately I won't be able to make it (unless of course I win some money on a scratch off lottery ticket and can get a last minute flight to 'Nap) but I know they will kick it in my absence in fine Hot Girl form! The gals are meeting because we decided at Karla's wedding to make it an event and of course since our dear Josey has found her true love and will tie the knot in November, it was perfect timing. I'll be there in spirit but I know how they do so it will be a great time! YAY Hot Girls! (Clarification - this picture is from Karla's wedding so Karla is somewhere being a blushing bride. Candice was not a member of the Hot Girls as she came to Purdue way later but we love her still and she'll probably be in the mix this weekend SO I hope the original Hot Girls make her take up the slack that will be missing since I won't make it!)
- Getting out and enjoying life: I have always enjoyed socializing ... not necessarily out to the club, but being amongst my friends/peers. I like to have people over to eat, watch movies and TV shows and enjoy book club type activities. I love going over to friends' houses for drinks or dinner or to play games. I love going out to dance or to see music shows in small venues. The beach is one of my favorites and I'm always down for an outside (by the pool or the roof) cookout or things of that nature. Overall, I enjoy hanging out. I've noticed that I have stopped a lot of those activities in my life and replaced them with excuses (you know 'em: I don't have any money, I have to work, I don't like going out in L.A., I don't have anything to do). I'm done lying to myself. The truth is I limit myself: for example, when I lived in Indiana I made $1000/monthly for about 8 months, worked at least 80 hours/week from the first 8 months of my new job while maintaing a part time job and found the time to have the best social life of my life to date! Not only did I go out all the time with my friends (various groups of friends mine you), I traveled all over(even though it was for work), hosted house parties, was in a book club, dated guys all the time and towards the end I even prepared for the freakin LSAT. What happened to that girl? She's still here and she's ready to get out and do some things.
- Embracing my Drama: here's an area I've not been living full out. Last night I went to go see Nelly at the House of Blues. When he first came out I loved his music. I remember he came to perform at Purdue and I had to go alone because my friends clowned me for becoming "Midwesternized".
Last night reminded me of why I was so on Nelly and the St. Lunatics - it was because of the one dude with the face mask that would literally dance out the lyrics to each and every one of their hits - he was like the silent hype man (for the longest I thought he was mute because he never speaks at the shows). By looking at him, you can get a full understanding of each and every word they spit. There was a point in my life that - I was a full out interpretation of every thing I expressed. For instance if it were Fourth of July and I was feeling festive, I'd step out in an outfit inspired by that patriotism. If I were sad or unhappy, it would pass quickly because I'd fully express it (sometimes even wearing black lipstick to accompany my mood). If I wanted something, I spoke on it all the time - I embodied what I wanted even when it sounded illogical. I naturally put care, thought and effort in my actions - I want to reflect what it is I have going on. That is who I am and that's what I used to do and that is what I desire to do now. It wasn't always accepted or appreciated by the masses but I do know that those people who were with me were with me regardless so those who are really feeling me won't leave now. I think I eased up because I was called "dramatic". Even if it were meant in a kindhearted way, it stung and I viewed as a negative. Now, it is time to go back to that full expression of myself and let people say what they want.
- Being open: the times in my life when I was not concerned with the outcome and just doing what I wanted to do, I have been the most happy, adventurous and well rounded. I'm going to embrace more of that. Full, all in participation with no concern or worry on the "what is going to happen if" must return to the core creed of who I am and what I'm about.
I'm really excited about this change because unlike any other change I've ever participated in, this one is more of a move back into the more positive aspects of myself. It is not a mission to become like anything ... more of an exercise in realising who I've always been. Wow! I think this journey is about to get fun!
I am doing a 40 day activity book called Calling In The One with a group of friends. The other day we had to do an activity where we wrote our essence characteristics ... characteristics of how we love. In order to find out we had to do a meditation, after which I found my love essence was kind and generous. Well, that kind and generous nature of love has met the other side of love I possess - harsh and tough!
I obviously love my family but my heart beats for my grandmother and my little sister. They are my lights and underlie most of the long term decisions I make. My sister can be a brat but I love her so freaking much. That girl has spunk and is beautiful. I do everything I do in part to show her what you can become when you are true to yourself and your desires. My grandmother took me in when my parents wouldn't so of course I'm ridiculously down for her. She raised me to be the amazing woman I am today so I feel I owe a lot to her. This woman and that little girl are my heart and my love for them is often put in a position to be tough and hard. Today's tough love is in defense of my sister.
There is a 16 year age difference between me and my sister and because of the way my mom positioned us after her birth, I'm seen as more of a parental figure (I was always playing a disciplinarian role with her because no one else was). Since my mother works a lot she spends a lot of time with my aunt. Well Hurricane Ike is headed toward their city. My mother is a health care professional has been assigned to work at the hospital until the hurricane situation is over. My sister will be with my aunt who has decided they will stay in her apartment during the storm. If you have any familiarity with Houston, she lives right off of 288 close to the Museum District and that is an area prone to flooding. My aunt works at the hospital and has told me that she has been given a pager that she can "press a button and a helicopter will come and get them if they are in extreme danger." REALLY?
If it is one thing I hate it is when someone tries to play me like a fool! In all my years I've never heard of a freaking pager that you press a freaking red button on that will initiate a helicopter coming to rescue you ESPECIALLY if you are NOT in the top 1 percent of the world's highest income. So now my sister is subject to being in the hurricane under the supervision of someone I feel is CLEARLY freaking delusional (a red button?????). So I am HOT!
This experience has placed me face to face with how I love. It is my love and concern for my family that caused me to care in the first place. I know I am right when I say to evacuate to higher ground (even if it is just going more north to an area that doesn't flood in Houston). BUT it is no longer about if I am right or wrong it is about why the heck would you subject young children (my aunt has a son) to the potential issues of hurricane force winds and rain? AND further why is my entire family believing this pager story?
I am BEYOND upset to the point where I can no longer even talk to them. I'm just over it ... but I'm not because this foolishness affects my heart. AND the fact that my sister has nightmares about rain because during a tropical storm the house flooded ...
I've officially checked myself - I recognize where my feelings are coming from and I clearly see my anger as a result of my feelings of not being heard and not having my opinion respected. How long will it be before they do a self check?