LeeLee and Me

I hope everyone had a great holiday! Here's some great pics of my sister and me baking away on Christmas Eve. (My little cousin Pervis decided to check out our work.) Enjoy!


I got tagged!!!! My favorite blogger (disclaimer: that I've never met before in "real" life) of the blog apt. tbd tagged me! She does such a great job on her blog that I'm excited that she chose me to tag. And I was confused about what to post next so being tagged works! YAY!!!!

  1. I'm getting my hair done this week! I'm really excited. My sorority line sister is an amazing stylist (she's worked all around the world for Toni and Guy) has opened her own salon in Houston, Texas! I'll be there visiting my mom, who is getting me a "new do" for the new year!

  2. I found out a terrible reality on Saturday - I suck at Guitar Hero! I always thought that would be the video game for me. I love music and not so secretly think I'm a rock star just in my daily actions so I was terribly disappointed to crash and burn on this game. My friend bought it over the weekend we played ... well he played and I sucked! LOL! I spent about 30 minutes in practice mode (Eye of the Tiger) so hopefully I'll be better the next time around.

  3. I want to live in New Orleans, La. I feel a certain energy when I enter the city. Literally when I drive into the city I feel like this is where I should be. I do not know why I feel that way though. Am I really feeling N.O. or am I being afraid to return to L.A.? Time will tell ... I'm meditating on it.

  4. When I'm honest with myself, I realize that I feel like I do not know where to go or what to do next. I'm generally extremely ambitious but lately I'm having trouble coming up with goals I can stick to. I'm being patient with myself but lately I don't really know who I am so it has been interesting.

  5. I really want an IPhone. I'm waiting until Jan. 13 when I can upgrade my phone. I won't get it for free, but I'll get a discount. I feel kind of weird about it though because I can get a host of other phones/PDA's for free but why would I do that when I can own what seems to be one of the most wonderful and amazing technology inventions of our time?

  6. LOVE IS IN THE AIR! My friend Kendra got married in the Bahamas on Friday and my other friend got engaged in Mexico on Saturday on her birthday!!! I'm excited for both of these women because they are examples that you can have it all - they both have great careers and have found love with the men they dreamt of! That makes me excited that there are women out there living full and complete lives (complete with their dream career and dream love). Ahhh, my day is coming ;)

and here's 6 people I'd like to learn more about so I'm tagging:

  1. Karla from Confessions of a Former Hot Girl

  2. Bianca from As In Jagger

  3. Patranila from My Beautifully Brilliant Life

  4. Vanessa from Chuliboobs

  5. Ran from Still Standing

  6. Stella B (b/c I miss you blogging lady!)

Here are the rules: mention the rules on your blog. Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself. Tag six others. Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they are tagged.


A New Take on December

Every December, I sit and ponder on all the things that are not quite as I want them to be in my life. I look candidly and explicitly at my life and review all of my shortcomings. It is quite an honest time. I make list after list of things I want to accomplish never taking into account all of the things that transpired in the present year. This year before I resolve to do or become anything, I'm taking some time to highlight the past year.

My Proudest Moments of 2008 ...
  • I got my very first movie credit (I'm IMDB'able!)
  • I committed myself to blogging (I wrote over 100 blogs this year!)
  • I completed two classes at the Agape Spiritual Center (meditation and financial freedom)
  • I completed a 5K run (I walked some but I did run)
  • I completed a 21 day detox
  • I drove alone from California to Louisiana (all 1,596 miles!)
  • I worked for one of my idols in the entertainment industry
  • I completed an 8 week intro to iyengar yoga course
  • From January to August I was tithed to the place of my spiritual growth
  • I committed to completing a 40 day course of "Calling In The One"
  • I went to Miami! (I LOVE Miami and made it my mission 2 years ago to return at least once a year)
  • I read at least 1 book a month
  • I volunteered in my community
  • I took a huge risk (and although I'm currently unemployed I think making that leap was courageous and will ultimately be the catalyst for me to reach my career goals)
  • I read Eckhart Tolle's A NEW EARTH and completed Oprah's 10 week course

These are some of the things I can remember and I'm pretty excited as I look back at what has transpired this year in terms of my growth (whether it be physical, emotional, mental and of course spiritual). I know that I am not the person I was a mere 365 days ago! I do have some goals I'd like to see come true next year but for a while I'm going to celebrate this year. I love celebrations!!!



I grew up in Louisiana and as a kid when the weather report called for snow, it meant icy conditions or icy rain. Sometime between last night and this morning it SNOWED! LOL! This is crazy a)because it just doesn't snow this much in the southern region of the country; b) because it also snowed like this is Houston on yesterday and c) the forecast says it will be 70 degrees all next week!!! Oh this wonderful weather phenomenon thing! And I thought the fact it was chilly in L.A. during August was amazing ;)


My Vote for Song of the Year

I heard this song and felt like Robin Thicke was in my head! His ideas on a dream world are quite similar to mine. He is such an authentic musician in my opinion. The lyrics, the medley - great choices all around. I'M FEELING THIS SONG!

I would be you, you would be me, we would be one, we would be just fine
The ice caps wouldn't be melting and neither would I, mmh
I would just drive my big old car, and everything would be alright
And energy would just fall down right from the sky, yeah

Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mind into your heart, into your life
And everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
My dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)

For the real world just don't feel right
I wouldn't spend my days searching for, searching for lost time, yeah hey yee (ooh ooh, dream)
I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by
No matter what the weather, I'd learn to change, I'd change with the time, yeah he

And everytime I need a woman, she'd appear right by me
she hold me tight, treat me right, and tell me that everything is gonna be, is gonna be alright, alright

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld

I would tell Van Gogh that he was loved, there's no need to cry
I would say Marvin Gay your father didn't want you to die (dream)
There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right
We could down in Mississipi and no one would look at us trice, ehhe he yihi

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)


It Wasn't Him

Earlier this year, I have dedicated myself to being open to falling in love ... I think I'm going to change my mind on that. The process has been painful and I need to focus my energy on self love for now. I'm giving up my mission of "calling in the one"... if it is meant to be he'll come. At the time, Adele speaks what I'm feeling better than I can, so here's her lyrics ...
Right under my feet is air made of bricks
That pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I’m forever excusing your intentions
I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone
And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head
I’m the only one in love I’m the only one in love
Each and every time I turn around to leave I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You’ve burnt my heart to stone
And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us I best tidy up my head
I’m the only one in love I’m the only one in love
Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I’m standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead
Well I hear your words you made up
I say your name like there should be an us I best tidy up my head
I’m the only one in love I’m the only one in love.


What I Want Now

I have heard several times and read in several places that people generally display what they want to "be" when they are children. Since I am home I decided to interview my family members to see what I wanted to "be" to see if that will help me in this time of indecision and confusion. Many said I enjoyed playing school and spending time alone, but they all confessed that I was usually into whatever it was I was doing at the time - they said I didn't talk much about the future I was just super concerned with what I was doing right then and there.

This was extremely helpful because I find that the dream for my life is constantly changing and evolving. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in Los Angeles. I moved to L.A. in 2005 and earlier this year deeply felt like I was over being there. This was extremely hard because I had/have no idea what I'd want to do if it wasn't being in L.A. since I've wanted that for as long as I remember. What happens when dreams change?

Well I began to review my life. My dreams have changed quite a bit. As far as career, I have had three (teacher, sports information director, Hollywood assistant). I've excelled at them all (my students excelled on their aptitude tests and I passed all of my classroom evaluations; at Purdue I was promoted from intern to full time assistant S.I.D. in six months becoming proficient in all aspects of that field and in H'wood, I had the opportunity to work for three of the most accomplished management companies and have stellar recommendations from them all). But at some point of all of those things, at some point, I was ready to move on - even though that meant leaving behind whatever financial level I had achieved. I have started over a lot. I'm ready to move on now but am I really ready to start over? I want to live in New Orleans and work in the city's film and video department to help the economic relief program. It is an exciting time there - everything is "on the verge" of becoming whatever it is going to become and I want to be on the ground floor of that. I think that unlike Hollywood, I have a unique opportunity to be involved in both entertainment (which I love) and local politics (a longterm secret desire of mine). There is so much opportunity there that I don't readily see in any other location. These opportunities though find me in a position I didn't want to be in at 32.

To pursue these opportunities in New Orleans, I would have to live in my home state and get my hustle on. I've done this before in both Indiana and California but that was different because I felt like I had nothing to lose (I was young and not under the pressure of being around people who know me). I find it hard here because quite honestly I am embarrassed. At home, people I went to college with are financially secure, have homes and are pursuing "real" careers (ie doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc.). In Hollywood, everyone I know is like me (pursuing some dream regardless of the financial implications). I know I shouldn't be concerned with how others view me, but quite honestly, this situation is bringing me face to face with my beliefs on myself - I feel that someone of my age with my education SHOULD be at a certain level financially.

At the end of the day, I am working on acceptance. If I truly accept this situation for what it is, I must admit that I want to go after what New Orleans has for me. I have to accept that my dream and the location of my dream has changed. I would be compelled to accept that at this time I do not have certain material possessions and be grateful for those things I do have. And as I sit with those realizations, it feels okay. I honestly feel if I pursue the desires of my heart, everything else will fall into place. And these days, what is financial security anyway?

Hmmm, this is the best part of blogging/journaling. In this entry, I was able to determine what is truly important to me and it is not what people (including my judgmental side) think of what is happening in my life. Right now I want to pursue my dream ... whatever it may be today.


Love ... Actually Serious Like

About a year ago, I sat myself down and said I had to make a change in my quest for love. I've always wanted to "be in love" but wasn't sure I was going about it the right way. I was quite confused on "how" to love and more importantly, how to let myself be loved. I realized I needed help on the situation so I prayed about it. I was led to a book called "Calling In The One" and a group of friends and I dedicated 40 days to becoming more knowledgeable on what it means to love. I felt the book was great and I began to deal in life as if it were possible that I would be able to experience love.
I have met someone who I feel has been sent to teach me about accepting love and opening myself up to displaying love. He's great and the universe has made some situations occur to cause us to be in the same place at the same time. I enjoy his time so much but last night he showed again how easy and freeing it is can be for me to relinquish my desire to control everything. I let him select the movie we'd watch for the evening and he came through.
While I am highly into film and television, there are tons of movies I've never seen. Last night he introduced me to LOVE ACTUALLY. If you have not seen this movie I highly recommend it. It is great and is a holiday movie so the timing was perfect! I absolutely loved it. But what I enjoyed more was the way he was reacting to me watching this movie. I am not always connected to how people are responding to me - I'm generally more clued into my own insecurities and issues and assuming everyone else is too. But with him, I feel more concerned with being in the moment and going with the flow. He makes that extremely easy.
I'm not sure what this will evolve into and I do not care. I'm not focused on the outcome, I'm just enjoying the experience. No manipulation, no elevated expectations, no "making" him do anything, no concern for how it is viewed by others. Just enjoying him and being open to what might come ... I'm actually excited, intrigued and invigorated by it.
I think this is some serious like ...


Embracing the Alter Ego

Alter ego is defined as another side of oneself or a second self. Some psychologists believe everyone has an alter ego and have often spoke of this "second self" as a negative (think Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde). I'm not looking to discover a negative persona or something that will work against me, I am looking for that positive alter ego.
I am a fan of Beyonce. I think when she is on stage performing, she is a beast and there are few that can rival her energy and dedication. I mean how many other performers have we seen take falls and bounce back as if nothing even happened? It has always been clear to me that something takes over her when she is performing because in interviews, she does not possess that same power. Yes, she is always beautiful and all, but not that girl that gets off on stage. She had spoke of this alter ego Sasha taking over in the past. Now her new album lets the Sasha Fierce out.I need to develop my own sort of Sasha Fierce ... that side of me that will take over when my insecurities or issues stand to hold the talented side of me back. Beyonce represents that to me.
The Sasha doesn't give her something that she doesn't possess - she is clearly that performer inside and out. What I do think happens is that the Sasha doesn't let the Beyonce stuff get in the way. The Sasha is uninhibited and just goes after it. The Sasha allows her to shine. I feel like I'm rambling so I'll wrap it up by saying that I need to find that part of myself that steps up when necessary so I can shine. That side that doesn't get caught up in what isn't and just goes after what I know I am capable of. I want my alter ego to step up and show out at the necessary moments. I want my alter ego to show up so that the goodness of DaVida can rise to the top of its game.



I haven't written in a while because I'm unsure what to share. There is a big thing going on in my world right now ... I'm just not able to wrap myself around it enough to share. I did make a decision as far as my career/life - I'm going to take a break from the job hunt until after New Year's. The entertainment industry generally shuts down during this time and completely closes the last two weeks of the year, so I'm going to chill out. I'm getting rid of the things that keep me held in a particular place and being open to whatever is going to happen. I'm going to make sure my car is in good condition and hit the open highway. Exciting!



New to my blog is a feature I like to call "F*&# That Fridays". Here I will share my most current issues with the world around me. Here I will share MY opinions on things in the world. While I welcome comments (always) these are just things the way I see them (the joy of having your own place on the web to say whatever you choose is AMAZING). So with no further ado, the first installment of F*#& That Fridays.

This week was huge for America with the election of Barack Obama! How exciting a time for people in this country. In a land that is plagued by its history of slavery and bondage of certain groups of people, we have overcome by electing the son of a black man and a white woman. Ahhh, we are making progress ... well we are in some ways. Discrimination is still alive and well - F*&# discrimination!

Discrimination is defined as unfair treatment of a person or group on the basis of prejudice. How is it okay to discriminate against gays ESPECIALLY by minority groups and religious factions who have BOTH been discriminated against? F*&@ THAT! How can one after another religious leader get on TV and say that their belief in God gives them the right to stop gay people from getting married? Huh? I know that everyone has different religious beliefs but at the core of EVERY religion is a message of love from God. I do not claim to know everything but I have no qualms about sharing my knowledge that GOD CREATED EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!GOD IS IN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ... EVEN THE GAY PEOPLE! AND SHOCKINGLY GOD LOVES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!

I am straight and plan to one day share my life with my soul mate. What if I happen to fall in love with a white man who beats the crap out of me every other night? That would be a legally accepted union. I could marry a black man and we could cheat on each other and have kids outside of our relationship and the law would support that union as a marriage too. I could also fall in love with and legally marry a child molester and that would be legal and okay. BUT if my sister ends up growing up gay (which there is no indication that she is not into boys, in fact it seems as if she is quite into boys but I digress) and falls in love with a great, law abiding woman who is kind, compassionate, caring and her soul mate that is NOT okay? Or my friend who is definitely gay can attend the weddings of each of his friends throughout his lifetime but can never legally marry the love of his life. REALLY?And that's not discrimination? F*&@ THAT!

Discrimination in America is WRONG regardless of your reasons behind it. It is inappropriate on all fronts. Before you discriminate against any group of people, look at your life and look at your history - it is likely that someone with your gender, race, religious background, sexual preference, academic record, socio-economic status, etc. has been discriminated against. Don't be the victim who abuses because he's been abused. That is not progress ...

I Feel It Changing ...

Sometimes, I can random things on a whim. One night after working a double back at good ole' Joe's Crab Shack, I decided I wanted a tattoo on my wrist of an infinity symbol. In the profound moment of me doing my closing chores, I decided that there was a certain flow to life. Sometimes things would be good and sometimes they wouldn't, but for the infinite time I would exist, this cycle would continue and I wanted a visible symbol to remind me of this fact. I got this tattoo in 2004. It is on the inside of my left wrist and it is pretty small but is definitely there.
I was reminded of why I got this tattoo tonight. I went out to a mixer with a couple of friends and as I was enjoying my drink, I caught a glimpse of my tattoo. I realized in that moment of hanging out with great friends and at this amazing bar that everything ALWAYS works out for me just right. The thing is though, I ALWAYS feel like I am done just before it gets better. It is like how dark it gets right before the morning comes. Lately it has been pretty dark, but I feel it changing now. I believe the sun is going to shine soon.
What makes me feel this way? I can't quite call it but it reminds me of one of my favorite N*E*R*D song. To quote my dear Pharrell, "Sometimes you gotta realize where you are in your life in order to feel good and I feel good baby!" I feel so good and I just kind of know that things are getting better.



I am beyond estastic! Barack Obama is the overwhelming choice for the 44th President of the United States. His election was historic and monumental on so many levels and I am in AWE! I find it difficult to write everything I'm feeling right now. I am filled with so much emotion that I find myself without words to express how grateful I am for his election. I know that there is much work ahead and I know it will not be easy, but I believe in this country again. I believe in what America stand for again. I believe in myself as an American and how we all serve a purpose in making our country a better place again. My patriotism seems appropriate again. Everyday is a good day, but today is an especially good day.


Big Sista' Blues

I have a little sister who is 15. She is very different personality wise than I am ... and from the stories I've heard, she's a lot like my mom was at her age (and she has two step sisters and she's alot like the bitchy one). She had a myspace page and it was fine - it was cute and "appropriate" UNTIL she put up some pictures recently. I was HOT - she was wearing one of those swimsuits that was popular last summer the kind like this picture.

I got mad when I saw the inappropriate pictures but not just at her but more so at my mom - why the hell would you buy that for your 15 year old and let her wear it!!!! So I told on her. All hell broke loose because my mom got mad because her pictures were online. I'm mad because my mom doesn't get why I'm mad - that she bought the suit in the first place. And my sister is mad because I "snitched" on her. ARGH! That's why you should have your kids closer together in age. Obviously my loyalty is to my sister which is why I told in the first place but it is difficult to be her friend because she's freakin' 15 and her judgement is sometimes questionable.

Am I a snitch? Little sisters let me know ... don't be too hard on me though. I'm trying to be the more responsible one ;)


Hold the Vision

I am a HUGE college football fan. My favorite conferences are the SEC and Big Ten and I'm not so fond of the Big 12. Actually, the Big 12 is ok ... I just have a "thing" with UT. I think that Texas is overrated across the board in athletics and that in general they just act as if they are the best but are not. It is definitely a DaVida thing because most people love the University of Texas.
Today was a great day. I got to chill out all day. I watched a movie and then it was time for FOOTBALL. No. 1 UT was set to play No. 7 Texas Tech - both teams were undefeated going into today so this was THE game to watch. Going into halftime Texas Tech was up 22-6 but UT wasn't going out without a fight. With less than a minute left to go in the game, they were up by one touchdown. Texas Tech remained calm and with 8 seconds left, quarterback Graham Harrell connected with Michael Crabtree - he caught the 28 yard pass and ran it in for the TD! Texas Tech defeats the Longhorns YAY! But it was in the after game interview when the deeper meaning came to pass.
When the reporter asked Crabtree about the catch, he said "I know you won't believe me but I dreamed this. I saw it happen before it did!" WOW!
I often hear athletes or successful people say that they were able to see something happen before it actually happened in the physical. Crabtree was basically testifying to the spiritual principle of visioning. While visualization is a mental process governed by the reasoning or conscious mind, visioning is a spiritual process governed by intuition (the subconscious mind). Visualization kind of keeps us limited by our issues. Visioning doesn't care about the "what ifs" or the "I can't do that's". Visioning occurs for the child who grows up in poverty and lack of education to one day have a PhD. It can be seen in the stories of people who receive a high accolade and in their acceptance speech they say something like I always saw myself doing this. Visioning is what Crabtree discussed in his interview with the reporter tonight.
I've always had a vision of what my life would look like. That vision definitely didn't include unemployment and confusion over my next steps at the age of 32. But the good thing about visioning is that no matter what you hold the vision. When Texas Tech was down by a touchdown, Crabtree didn't focus on that, he just held onto his vision. His sharing of his dream with the reporter reminded me not to focus on what is going on around me right now. I have a vision that has been with me for as long as I can remember. It is my job to hold that vision no matter what and that is exactly what I plan to do.


Morning With Sunni

My landlord, Sunni, wanted to stop by today to pick up something she left at our place. She's really great but is Asian and our language barrier makes it difficult to communicate. Today when she sat down and seemed as if she wanted to talk a bit. She's older so I didn't want to be rude ... I recognize sometimes older people just want to talk and its not like I was busy or anything.
We began to talk about the election. Sunni shared with me that she had moved here in 1969 and how the country was back then. She told of the way minorities were treated ... not just blacks which I've been exposed to, but also how Asians and even the Irish were treated. She spoke of how she was sat down by older friends who had been here longer to tell her how to be in America. She painted an ugly picture that I know is the fabric of my country.
But then she spoke of hope. And how this election was huge for all Americans, not just minorities. She spoke about how it is an example of how quickly America can change. She said that '69 is less than 40 years ago and look how much the country has changed. Sunni spoke of hope and change so clearly and with such focus that our language barrier was gone. I could really hear her and the intent behind her words. And the joy she felt when she spoke of what she hoped would happen on election day. She also shared with me her hopes for her grandchildren who are 4 and 7 and how she wants the country to be when they grow up. I always thought Sunni was sweet but today I got to see a deeper side of her.
My morning with Sunni reminded me of what hope does ... it gives us joy and connects us all.

I's Is Free

Marion Jones was on Oprah today. She spoke openly about her ordeals with her federal indictment and steroid use. She spoke of her 6 months in prison. When Oprah inquired if prison was like what she saw on shows like "Lockup", Jones was honest and said no. She did say that the thing about any prison is that people always tell you what to do and you have no freedom. Oprah paraphrased a comment from Toni Morrison's "Beloved". She said that freedom is being able to do what you feel, when you feel it.
I have always been one for rules - some beneficial, but all of them limiting.

I have to go to bed early because I have to get enough sleep for work.
I can't act certain ways because people might see.
I can't behave that way anymore because I'm over 30.
I can't _____________ because ___________ (fill in the blanks, I'm sure I've said that at one time or another).
I was reminded tonight that there is such joy in freedom. This realization came in the simplest, most "random" way (I of course don't believe in random).
I got up VERY early today to go to the Price Is Right (they didn't call me to come on down) and my normal schedule of spending time at home was thrown off. I took a nap around 5 or 6 and woke up around 7ish. I had to take some meat from the freezer and wait for it to defrost to cook dinner. I didn't begin to prepare my meal until around 9:30pm. This is a rarity for me - when things are "normal" I generally cook my meals for the week on Sunday. If I do cook during the week it is early - the latest being around 7:30. I like to be in bed by 10:30/11 at the latest. I'm not sure why I do any of that - it is just how it is. I have a friend that I'd call at night and she'd always be in the kitchen preparing some elaborate meal ... I'd say things like, "Dude, it is too late to be cooking that way!" But why?
When I think of freedom, I generally think of big things like not being enslaved or having civil liberties. Leave it to Oprah to remind me to see things in a bigger scope. Being free is having the option to do what we please when we please without anyone telling us what to do. I'm free and I realize that now more than ever that I have nothing that MUST be done.
Freedom is precious ... ALL types of freedom. Even in the form of a lovely, homemade dinner for 1 prepared AFTER 10 pm :)


I Don't Know Ok!

I would imagine that being unemployed has fun points- you get up when you feel like it, have no where to be and my personal favorite - you don't have to get dressed, shower or comb your hair if you don't feel like it. Yep, you do your thing and it works out fine I suppose. The non-fun part is that it is hard to make plans ... especially plans that cost money. Unlike working, unemployment checks come when they come ... you just have to wait for them. So I've learned to make plans that don't involve spending.
Today my plan for the day was to pick up my tickets for Price is Right on tomorrow and to go to a writing class (FREE writing class) at the library. The class was at 12:30 and I had to grab the tickets on the way. I'm working on being positive and being fine with my situation - finding ways to enjoy my life regardless you know.
My day got off to a different start. My phone rang at like 6:15 so I turned off the ringer. Because I did, I missed the landlord's call saying she was bringing people to see our place (she didn't leave a voicemail). When I woke up at like 9:45, my back hurt really bad and I was going to silently lie there until my roommate left. I heard her leave but quickly return - the folk the landlord spoke of had arrived. Since I want to do my part to get our apartment rented, I get up, brush my teeth and try to look presentable. It goes well - the girls rent the place. Now I know firmly that regardless of what I do next, I won't be living here anymore after Nov. 21. I'm fine with that and was fine with all the things that went along with getting rid of the place. What I'm not fine with is I feel bombarded with questions I don't have the answers to.
I think I'm going to stop answering my phone and change my voicemail to the following:
Hi, I'm not available but if you are calling to ask me where I'm going to move
to, what I'm going to do about a job, how do I feel about anything related to my
current situation or anything related to anything in the future, the unequivocal answer is I DO NOT KNOW. Additionally, if you are calling to say if I were in that situation you I'd do blah blah blah, I don't know what I'd do, it'll work out, this will never work out, do what you feel, you can't just do what you feel, get a job doing something else, be a substitute teacher or any other tidbits of advice, thanks but no thanks - I'm simply unable to process it at this time. I'll let you know what I figure out when I figure it out.

I guess since I job hunting, that might not be the best phone message to leave though ...
ANYWAY, my writing class was great - it is all about writing life stories and I have been trying to come up with ideas for some sort of memoir project. The writers there were really good and seemed like people who just have an interest in writing just to write. Also, it was a great distraction from the constant questions - no one asked me anything in the writing class and that was perfectly fine with me!


Our Vote Determines Their Country Too

It is easy to say to people remember to vote because if not you will not have a say in the next four years of this country. Today at church, I was reminded about the children of this country who are affected by our decision at the polls. They can't vote but this is their country too. The children's choir at my church recorded the following video. ENJOY!


Blame It On The Coffee

I wanted a sweet treat so I went to Crumbs and got me a yummy cupcake for my Friday night treat. They had a promotion and were giving away free coffee! I hadn't had a good iced coffee in forever so I opted for one with soy milk. It was great! But since I this was at 7pm and I came home and took a shower, washed and twisted my hair and did a few other things before completing the sugary treats, I'll be up for a while. I decided to do a little blogging. One of my favorite bloggers kay from apartment, tbd etc FKA I'm Really Not A Diva has a list of 100 things about her. I'm feeling self reflective and open, so here's my list of 100 things about me.
  1. I was raised in Plaquemine, Louisiana - a city with a population less than 10,000.
  2. I now live in Los Angeles - a city with a population of over 3 million
  3. I was born on the astrological cusp of Cancer and Leo - it means I can be contradictory in nature (Cancer/Leos are a handful)
  4. I'm just becoming okay with being a handful - I'd rather be neat, nice and easy instead of hard to understand, moody, emotional and sensitive. Easy would be to fit into a box and I simply don't.
  5. I am very nice.
  6. One of the nicest gifts I ever got as a result of my niceness was an autographed copy of "The Power of Nice" from one of the authors because I was so kind to her when she'd call the office I worked at.
  7. I am extremely educated - I graduated from college and law school
  8. I only went to law school to make me more prepared for a career on the business side of entertainment
  9. I guess that makes me disciplined
  10. I am also very persuasive - I can persuade myself into doing or not doing things all the time
  11. I am currently persuading myself to be okay without a job
  12. I love working - when I have a job that is on my career path that is exciting or fulfilling to me, I go above and beyond - it becomes my life
  13. I have always had jobs that were not typical 9-5's - I've held some "interesting" job positions (I've been a valet parker, cocktail waitress, bartender, schoolteacher, Hollywood assistant and a sports information director)
  14. When I have a job that I love or enjoy, it is my most important relationship
  15. I am currently ready to have a love relationship - a real one based on mutual love not just sex, control or ego based needs.
  16. I've fallen in love in the club on several occasions ... darn that Usher for making light of what it means to REALLY have love in the club.
  17. Because I didn't fully know what it meant to be in love, I did research on what it means to be ready for a relationship. Some friends and I started a book club and dedicated 7 weeks to the book "Calling In The One." This is week 7 :)
  18. I enjoy group activities that promote growth or some sort of transformation (I also did The Artist's Way and the quantum wellness 21 day detox).
  19. The activity I want to do after this is to compose a list of 35 things to do before I turn 35 and then begin doing them.
  20. It would be amazing to be on the Hollywood Reporter's top 35 under 35 list.
  21. I like being recognized for doing great works, whether I've done the good deed or someone else.
  22. Recognizing and celebrating the talents of others is one of my favorite things to do - I want to have a home big enough to host intimate talent nights where all of my friends come over, eat a great meal, have drinks and everyone has to share their talent.
  23. My talent would be to make the amazing meals and host the evening.
  24. I'm anal about planning events - even if it is having a friend over for drinks. I have a vision of how I want things to go and when they don't go that way I don't react well.
  25. I have an A type personality and am attracted to other A types. My worst A type behavior is when I'm bothered is to purse my lips, take a deep breath, say OK then iterate whatever it is I have to say. (I've been told it makes the people I'm speaking to feel stupid.)
  26. As much as I enjoy socializing and social activities, I relish in my time alone.
  27. My favorite alone activity is watching TV - it has always been my thing.
  28. When I was little I like TV so much that my punishment when I was bad was being sent outside to play.
  29. My favorite tv shows of all time were Ally McBeal and The Practice - I think David E. Kelly is a beast!
  30. I've loved to read since I was young as well - my favorite all-time book is "To Kill a Mockingbird."
  31. I really enjoy John Grisham books too ... maybe that is why law school was so appealing.
  32. Now a days, I have been reading quite a few non-fiction books dealing with spirituality.
  33. I have concluded that I'm at the apex of my spiritual journey - you know the high point where all of my journeys come together to this pivotal point where I grow into the full potential I was created for ... so I try to remember that when it gets crazy.
  34. Now that I'm unemployed I'm taking time to do and focus on things that truly make me happy.
  35. I have 2 tattoos and really want a new one - they really are addictive.
  36. I have had 5 body piercings (not counting my regular earring holes) but they are now all closed up. I miss my nose ring the most and it is the only one I'd get again.
  37. I change my mind alot about my appearance and have gone through many "looks" over the years - but my general day to day is quite laxed.
  38. I've had a bunch of hairstyles too - my favorite being super dooper long during high school and my least favorite a super short cropped natural died auburn.
  39. I love having my picture taken- I think I'm photogenic.
  40. While the music business is not as strong as it used to be, I think the amount of talent that is emerging is exciting and interesting.
  41. I'm feeling this rapper/singer/actor named Drake right now.
  42. I think the internet is the best invention ever because you can find anything or anyone in an instant.
  43. I had a pen pal in grade school - Summer from Denham Springs.
  44. I have an e-pen pal that I'm convinced is on my spiritual journey - Robin from ATL.
  45. I am highly intuitive and I'm learning how to make rather allow the intuition to work for me.
  46. In college, I was in a pageant I said "I keep it real" and became known as the "real" or "keep it real" girl ... damn that JLo for making a song from the pages of my life.
  47. I think in her hayday JLo had the best look around - she was the fiercest in my opinion.
  48. While I think it is the biggest blessing in the world, sometimes having a baby can end your career.
  49. But if being I could look like Halle Berry after having a baby, sign me up!
  50. I am so in awe that a qualified biracial man could be President of the United States in around two weeks.
  51. I am also in awe that some many people are clouded by racism and bigotry.
  52. I want a new hobby but not sure what I want to try.
  53. I want to learn to swim very badly - I literally have dreams at least once a week where I'm swimming and floating.
  54. When I was a kid, I'd fantasize that I was switched at birth and my real family was extremely rich and would find me one day.
  55. I convinced this kid Peter that I was biracial and the bastard daughter of the bad seed in the family that owned a huge department store near my hometown.
  56. I had quite the imagination and I now recognize it is creativity.
  57. As a creative outlet, I make clip art books (I clip things from magazines and do layouts to tell stories in photo albums).
  58. I have kept a journal consistently since junior year in college.
  59. I've felt a connection to Brazil for quite some time.
  60. I enjoy traveling and want to get more stamps on my passport as soon as possible.
  61. I one sister, LeAnna. We are 16 years apart in age. We have the same mother but different fathers. I have an older sister on my dad's side but since we weren't raised together I often forget ... that makes me feel shady since I generally say I have one little sister.
  62. LeAnna has a sister that is AMAZING and I claim her too as my sister because when my mom dated her dad, they treated us the same. I guess I forget my sister on my dad's side since we were not raised as sisters.
  63. When I was younger, I always wished for an older brother.
  64. I can't say that I always or never do anything - I don't have absolutes like that. I try but once I realize I always do something I inadvertently stop and if I realize I never do something else, I try it or am forced to do it.
  65. I owe a fine at the public library I need to pay.
  66. My grandmother had 6 grandchildren - 2 of them were from my aunt Brenda who was adopted. The other four of us are all 8 years apart.
  67. My grandmother has survived a lot of deaths among her love ones - she's buried her parents, a brother, a sister, a husband, a son and a granddaughter (Gloria died in August).
  68. My grandmother's father and brother opened a funeral home. When they both died, my great uncle's wife became owner and operator which I think rocks. At an older age, she went to school for funeral director and managed to keep the business alive.
  69. I enjoy stories where people are able to make something seemingly impossible possible.
  70. I have never broken anything or had any surgeries.
  71. When bad things happen, it feels like it is the end of the world.
  72. When good things happen, I'm not sure it feels as strongly.
  73. I've lived in 4 states - Louisiana, Indiana, Texas, California.
  74. Ironically, I had the most fun and well balanced life in Indiana.
  75. I worked in the sports information department at Purdue when Drew Brees was quarterback and now he's the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints - I think that is pretty ironic.
  76. I watch sports and enjoy it.
  77. I think that is going to be a huge plus when I do fall in love.
  78. Among my many good qualities as it relates to a mate, I think my future hubby will be happy that I'm an avid sports fan and enjoys cooking and having folk over the game ... as long as that game isn't baseball.
  79. I have to go watch baseball live - I love going to baseball games but will not watch a game on tv.
  80. I have never had a train ride but want to soon.
  81. I have not gone to San Fransisco yet but want to go to Northern California before I move away from here.
  82. I have a strange infatuation with the mafia - I'm fascinated by it.
  83. I used to want to be a mafia wife.
  84. I also used to want to be Vanity who is now a preacher. There's some irony because I love to speak at church and church events.
  85. I've been in two official book clubs, one in Indiana, one in Cali'.
  86. My favorite read from the Ind. group was "Plain Truth" and from the Cali' group was "Perfume" ... both were eventually made into movies.
  87. I recently saw "The Secret Life of Bees" another book to movie. I truly enjoyed it.
  88. The first time I heard Alicia Keyes singing, I knew she'd be around for a while because her voice was so great.
  89. I don't have a favorite singer because I can't narrow it down to just one.
  90. Frasier is on Lifetime right now and it is laugh out loud funny.
  91. I was in a sorority in college.
  92. I am a fan of sudoku.
  93. No matter how much I weigh I generally wish I could lose or gain 5-10 pounds.
  94. I can be a bit nit-picky.
  95. I am practicing gratitude.
  96. I'm embracing each moment as it comes.
  97. I'm practicing compassion with myself.
  98. I'm loving myself more and more each day.
  99. Now Golden Girls is on which is also making me laugh aloud.
  100. I've got a sip of my coffee left.


Let's Enjoy This

I've been kind of down since I got laid off a couple weeks ago. I was kind of inadvertently punishing myself because I don't have a job. Work has been and remains extremely important to me. I am sort of lost with no job to do day to day. I kind of just sit here - I look for jobs first thing during the day, apply then wait. I watch TV and eat.
Today I decided to do something else. Since I moved to L.A., I've been working all the time so I haven't had a chance to do any daytime activities. After talking with my friend Alicia, I realized there is a lot I can do in this city that won't cost a lot (since I am of course unemployed, I have to be careful). Most of the museums are are free on certain days or after a certain time - which of course are all during times I'd normally be working. I've also always wanted to be a contestant on The Price Is Right - well now I can try that by going to the show taping. I love the park and now I can go at my leisure. Basically, I can do mostly everything at my leisure and that feels good - it feels free.
Losing my job has reminded me what it feels like to be free. I'm trusting that all will work out and resting in the knowledge that it already has worked out. This situation is only temporary but now I'm enjoying the space ... after all, aren't we supposed to enjoy EVERY experience?



I am afraid.
I admit it. I accept it.
I'm scared.
I am lost - in fact, I keep dreaming about how I'm literally lost and can't get directions. This lets me know that I don't know what to do and I must make the decisions. I'm in control.
Now that I know what it is, I can take it from here. Courage can come in at this point. My strength can now kick in. The opportunity to move onto the next level in my life is at hand ... I've just got to go through and pass up the fear.
Not going to let the fear take over, just gonna deal with it.


Homecoming Recap

I had the pleasure of attending my college homecoming this past weekend. It was really fun - I got to revisit my past - I had not been back "on the yard" in 10 years!!! So hard to believe. I have definitely evolved since then. I got sick on Saturday evening at some point so my festivities were cut a little short, but I got to see pretty much all of my old buddies who were in town. AND I must say so myself, I was looking pretty cute! (This is a shot from the Friday night mixer DJ'd by Drack Muse.) Going back was really good but now it leaves me a bit melancholy ... what am I going to do now? I'm at a pivotal crossroads in my career I feel, well actually in my entire life, and I'm not sure what is going to happen. We shall see as it all unfolds!


Leaving Los Angeles ...

There are things about Los Angeles that I love - the weather is usually simply amazing and there are so many random and fun things to do all the time. I always wanted to live in L.A. but I'm convinced that at this time it is not the place for me. It is time to move on and I'm happily excited about that! I think I'll be gone by the end of November and in the meantime, I'm going to hang out in the meantime. This is a new for me - I'm totally open with no idea where to go next. I'm allowing opportunities to show up. We shall see ...


Ummm, I'm Going To Go w/Jesus ....

I have always found myself drawn to certain people thatseem as if they have nothing in common. When I really think about and explore the connection between these people, I find the common thread between them all is their eccentricity. As I grow and learn more about myself, I realize that I have been searching and seeking in them the things that I already am. Today someone brought up one of my biggest differences - I was raised in the South and have an accent and they felt this accent makes me sound less intelligent. I took that in but I also realize that just because someone doesn't feel something about me, doesn't mean I have to change it. This made me think of some of my idols and how successful they are and the things people have said about them ...

I absolutely LOVE Andre 3000 and think he is one of the most talented rappers ever but clearly he doesn't fit the mold of the typical rapper. And people accept it - and when they didn't he broke 'em off properly on "Return of The G" on the Aquemini album. Outkast is only one of three hip hop acts to reach Diamond status with their record sales, Andre is finding success as an actor and is tauted as being a fashion icon. And I don't believe he's at home trying to figure out how to "fit in".
Oprah is amazing - she is a true inspiration. She uses her celebrity to promote her ideals - regardless of how it is received by the media and the world. When challenged by the beef industry, she didn't fold on her position - she fought back. When she found a politician she could believe in, she stood behind him in a very vocal and obvious way. When she realized that certain metaphysical principles have provided her with a better life, she decided to share them with the world. While doing all of this, she was not always praised or well received - in fact, there are often groups that are calling for boycotts of her show and magazine. She doesn't quit though, it seems like she pushes harder.
Okay, if I'm going to speak on folk who broke the mold, didn't follow set standards or practices and did not care about what people thought of him, how could I forget Jesus! I was raised as a Christian, so by definition, I follow Christ. When I was attending a more traditional church I would get so caught up in the church ways and they way the church thought but the whole point (in my opinion) is to act as Christ acted. I chose to deviate from the religious aspects and seek the spiritual truth for myself. In coming to the truth, I had to resign myself to follow Christ ... to follow Christ's ways ... to find the Christlike qualities of myself. Remember the Bible stories? Jesus hung out with ALL the people, including the undesirable, spreading love and goodness no matter what his enemies said or did. Jesus was not concerned with his image among others. Jesus didn't get caught up in their thoughts or ideas about how he should behave or who he should be. Jesus was focused on the bigger picture - he was focused on his destiny and what his life was about.
I must focus on me.
So what if I speak with an accent?
So what if I don't do this or that the way other people have done?
Who cares?
How bout I just do me?
The way I want ...
Unconcerned with the world.
Focused on what I know to be true.
This feels better already.


Girl You So Different

I am in a group that is reading a book, "Calling In The One". It is quite amazing - the author says in 7 weeks you will be able to attract the love of your life ... your one. For 49 days you read passages and complete activities that enable you to become more aware of how you have behaved in love and those hidden, subconscious things that are stopping love from entering into your life. It is not a religious book but it does contain tons of spiritual quotes and tasks. I'm really enjoying it.
One of the group members is a friend from college. We've been friends and sorority sisters for about 11 years and we lived together briefly when I first graduated from college. She's a great friend and we've also come to the conclusion that we're on a bigger journey than just random people that met at college. Alicia and I are great sounding boards for each other in all areas of our spiritual and growth as people. After one of the activities, she called and left me a message that really touched me ... especially as I prepare to return to my alma matter for homecoming to celebrate having graduated from college 10 years ago.
She simply said "D, we don't want regular things because we aren't regular people."
This was a huge statement. I've always felt "different" than everyone else. I always dressed differently, always spoke differently, and always looked differently than anyone else. I even always had a different thought perspective than most people. For the longest time, I just wanted to be regular. There can be comfort in regularity - it allows you to act as the group and do things as the group would do. You become like everyone else and that seems comforting for me. As a kid growing up in a small town, being different was hard. I just wanted to fit. Fitting wasn't necessarily on the platter for me though.
I didn't have typical goals after high school - I literally just wanted to move to L.A. and bartend at night and "get discovered" during the day (I was never quite sure what I wanted to get discovered as). But my family had different plans - I was quite smart so I had to go to college. I went to Southern University but unlike my peers I lived on campus (my hometown was 20 minutes away from campus so most people commuted). Living on campus allowed me to have a true college experience - and I got into a little of everything! After school, I fulfilled a lifelong ambition and taught school. I was different than all the other teachers and was REALLY good at it. I only left because I didn't like the administrative side (a reason I think a lot of young teachers end up burning out on the education system). In a random twist, I ended up in Lafayette, Indiana working at Purdue in the athletic department. I had some of the most AMAZING times there. Not only did I meet friends for life, I was able to become fully integrated into my work. I worked A LOT - pretty much 80-90 hrs a week from August to around May. And I loved it! I really thrived there but something deep inside wanted more.
I went to law school in Houston in an attempt to actualize my dream of moving to L.A. I felt a law degree would help get me in the door here. No one quite understood why I needed to invest $60,000 before coming here, but it made perfect sense to me. And now I live in the City of Angels. The last three years have been very "not regular". I've had amazing experiences and the opportunity to work with the industry's cream de la creme. Right now I feel like I'm in transition but I'm sure it will work out ... it always does. In a way that supports and reconfirms my different-ness.
I am now in a place to embrace my different. It is just a part of who I am. Those differences have allowed me to create a rich and full life that has been filled with colorful and unique opportunities. My story continues to grow and expand beyond my wildest expectations. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm positive (and optimistic) that it will continue to be "different".


The Customer is Always Right?

My experience just now at the ATT store.

Me - Hi! How are you?
Her - I'm fine, how may I help you?
Me - I just need to pay my phone bill. May I do that here?
Her - Sure, we have an automated machine right there.
Me - Great. Does it take cash?
Her - Yes but you need exact change.
Me - Hmmm, got change for $100? I only need to pay $80.
Her - Umm no.
Me - Ok, may I just pay you?
Her - Yes but it will be an additional $5.
Me - Huh?
Her - ATT has a policy if a customer comes in to pay their bill it costs $5.
Me - So let me get this straight, if I pay in the machine it takes my entire bill but if I pay you and can get change it is an additional $5 that won't go toward my bill. I don't get it.
Her - Well they charge $5 because it takes away from the customers in the store.
Me - (As I look around at the empty store) What I'm not a customer?
Her - Shoulder Shrug


Universal Mind Control

I feel very connected to music that is crossing the line - pushing the boundaries. I especially like music that makes me feel involved. Today I'm feeling Common's Universal Mind Control featuring Pharrell ... I don't know whether to breakdance or bootie shake!!! I LOVE IT! Hope you enjoy ;)


Letting Art Inspire Me ...

I love artistic people. I've always been drawn to people with talent. For a period in my life, it was a way to deny my own talent ... but now I let the talent of others push me to find my own gifts. During this week two people artists close to me have become my muses.

The first one is really close to home ... LOL! She lives in my home. It is my roommate. I've always known her to be a great writer with creative and inspired ideas. She's written some things that I've fallen in love with and I look forward to those times when she blogs. I didn't know she could draw though. I guess a couple of months ago I noticed this picture on the living room coffee table. It was a drawing of the magazine cover that lay near by. I was floored - could my roommate have drawn this? I asked and she said she'd always drawn a little (hmmm a little huh? It was an exact replica!). When her birthday approached I got the idea to give her a sketchbook and some color pencils. Both were on sale when I went to the art store and there were some charcoal sticks that were on clearance so I grabbed them as well. I felt it would be a good gift - I know she was feeling stuck in her writing so I felt if she explored her other creative talents, the writing ideas would flow. Well today I get ready to leave and she was sitting on the sofa with her pad. She then showed me this AMAZING picture she had drawn (I stole this copy from her facebook). And last night she told me that she began her blog again and about a new project she's beginning to write. I felt so inspired but not like before. Before I'd think "WOW, good for her what am I going to do?". Now I recognize the oneness of us all so her creativity fuels mine! How exciting?

My second form of artistic inspiration came from Terrance, my friend Mistie's boyfriend. He's always extremely positive and inspiring but lately he's been allowing himself to step outside of his confines and really go after it! He's a great photographer and graffiti artist and has begum to share that with others. As a result he was hired to do a backdrop for a show at the UCB! YAY! I hung out with he and Mistie last night and we just were talking about how things begin to shift when you know something and then put action behind it. His action is paying off. (Here are the pictures I swiped from his myspace ... LOL! I am quite the photo swiper today!)

In light of my many inspirations, I'm working on my own artistic endeavors. I know I am extremely creative ... now the letting go and just doing something. No expectations. No definitions. Just letting the art come out and through me. How exciting???


The 14 Day Jump Off

I've decided to go home on October 9th for the Homecoming weekend. I was going to get a ticket for either Homecoming or Thanksgiving and considering Thanksgiving is like $700, I opted for Homecoming (I got a ticket as a gift and didn't want to overdo it). I'm extremely excited because I graduated 10 years ago! Simultaneously I'm extremely freaked out because I graduated 10 years ago!!
It is all about perception and I have come to terms that my perception of myself is always a little more detailed (and critical) than most people. Back in 1998, I'll admit, I was a BANGER LOL! I'm pretty fabo now, but back then I was ON! My body was naturally tiny and toned - I was always a perfect size 6 with great skin and beautiful hair. Now don't get it twisted, I'm not ugly or obese or whack now LOL! I'm just a little "not quite right". So what do I do when I need a quick "get right"? I call Mr. Parker ... Not Nate Parker (who I call on in my dreams ALL THE TIME) but Scott Parker, trainer extraordinaire.
Scott trains me in so many ways - not only physical but mental and emotional as well. He's absolutely amazing. His method is simple but results driven. He spells it all out - eat this, do these moves and THINK like this ... I think the "thinking" is the most important part of his DaVida Smith regimen. Additionally he walks the walk. He stays positive and I have never heard him talking down on his situation - he's always speaking things into existence in his life and I notice I am too. The difference is he is speaking on those things he wants and I can tend to talk on those things I don't want.
Alas, Scott was there with the plan ... well I've ALWAYS had the plan but he gave me the motivation to get back on it. I've got 14 days (starting today) to "get it right, get it tight" and I'm READY! I was up at 6:30 this morning getting out of my head and into my body (Mistie was right on her advice that I'd feel better if my energy started moving out of my head). After all, I've got to go back and represent my BANGER status: Grown Azz Woman edition LOL! And God has been so good to me in the last 10 years I owe to myself (and the folk I'll see) to flaunt that!


100 Blogs And Counting!!!!

WOW! I can not believe it! I came up with a goal (to blog consistently) and I've actually achieved it! This is my 100th blog post to this site! WOO HOO! CELEBRATION!!!!

I am often hard on myself for starting things and not completing them, but this proves that I can set goals and accomplish them. I feel so great right now!!! I feel so good that the mountain climber in me (You know what mountain climbers see when they reach the top of a mountain? The next highest peak!) wants to set new goals. Here are the top 5 things I want to work on now ...
  1. Find, implement and participate in a physical fitness routine that works for my schedule
  2. Implement daily meditation into my spiritual practice
  3. Save enough money to go to Kendra's wedding in the Bahamas this December
  4. Continue to explore my career goals and find (or create) a position that allows me to do all I desire
  5. Living a life driven from within instead of constantly seeking external things

I think my blog (and the blogs I read often) have given me great insight and inspiration to continue to grow into the autonomous creature I was created to be! I'm extremely excited about the unfolding of this journey and the opportunity to share it here on my blog!


Getting My Chant On

For a long time, I have shunned chanting. When I saw it in the Tina Turner biopic, I didn't understand it - how could saying those words really empower her life? About a year ago, I lived with a family that was Buddhist and they'd chant as a practice. At that point, I guess I understood the spiritual basis of it, but I couldn't get into chanting. They'd try to teach me but because I didn't know the words, I didn't get the meaning. On yesterday at church, I realized I do enjoy chanting ... when I know the words! I guess I have a language issue, not a chanting issue. So the chant, which all this time I considered a song goes like this:

Pour your love in me
Pour your love into my heart
Whoaohhooh wonderful spirit

So simple, but so profound. So now I find myself mentally chanting this when the day gets to be too much. Also, as the chant goes on the word love can be switched with other things you'd like at that moment (peace, joy, etc.). I think this week I'm going to be getting my chant on!


This Week ROCKS!

I am loving this week!!! So much good stuff happening ...

  • So my favorite summer reality show is Big Brother. This year was the 10th and best ever in my opinion. Dan, one of my top three favorite players (I chose Libra, Renny and Dan) unanimously won and had the best strategic approach I have seen in all my years of watching the show. He played weak the whole time when in actuality he was clearly one of the most fierce competitors in the 10 year history of the show. YAY Dan!

  • I began watching MTV's "G's to Gents" this summer as well and it's finale was also on Tuesday. This show was great because I got to see that Mr. Fonzworth Bentley, yep Puffy's former umbrella carrier, was not the buffoon I had pegged him as when he would dance around like a fool all the time. He hosted this show that gave young "G's" the opportunity to grow into gentlemen. The more I watched the show I realized Mr. Bentley was really genuine in his attempt to give these young men an opportunity to learn and grow. The transformation of the winner, Creepa (a self-pronounced goon) REALLY changed. It was an obvious growth right in front of over eyes over the duration of the show. YAY Creepa and Mr. Bentley!!! And most importantly YAY MTV for putting this type of programming on ... I mean it IS MTV so they could have reserved that space for a Hills spinoff or more Tila Tequila shows or better yet, as Common said, more bitchin' azz rich kids on Sweet Sixteen.

  • I didn't just experience my life this week at home and at work. I actually got out and did some things. I didn't let the "oh no I can't because I have to work" excuse keep me in the house. I went out on Monday and Wednesday and have plans for Friday (there's the great program at church I'm excited about). I feel like this week has been an example in the balance that my life has needed for sometime. YAY Me!!

  • This is a quick shout out my hot girl clique that will descend upon Indianapolis on Saturday. Unfortunately I won't be able to make it (unless of course I win some money on a scratch off lottery ticket and can get a last minute flight to 'Nap) but I know they will kick it in my absence in fine Hot Girl form! The gals are meeting because we decided at Karla's wedding to make it an event and of course since our dear Josey has found her true love and will tie the knot in November, it was perfect timing. I'll be there in spirit but I know how they do so it will be a great time! YAY Hot Girls! (Clarification - this picture is from Karla's wedding so Karla is somewhere being a blushing bride. Candice was not a member of the Hot Girls as she came to Purdue way later but we love her still and she'll probably be in the mix this weekend SO I hope the original Hot Girls make her take up the slack that will be missing since I won't make it!)


E I E I Uhhoooohhhh What's Poppin Tonight!!!

I've decided to take a proactive stance in my life. I'm going to work on erasing the areas I do not enjoy right now. I'm a firm believer that we co-create our experiences and I'm ready to step up and consciously create the life I want. Here are some areas I'm focusing on:

  • Getting out and enjoying life: I have always enjoyed socializing ... not necessarily out to the club, but being amongst my friends/peers. I like to have people over to eat, watch movies and TV shows and enjoy book club type activities. I love going over to friends' houses for drinks or dinner or to play games. I love going out to dance or to see music shows in small venues. The beach is one of my favorites and I'm always down for an outside (by the pool or the roof) cookout or things of that nature. Overall, I enjoy hanging out. I've noticed that I have stopped a lot of those activities in my life and replaced them with excuses (you know 'em: I don't have any money, I have to work, I don't like going out in L.A., I don't have anything to do). I'm done lying to myself. The truth is I limit myself: for example, when I lived in Indiana I made $1000/monthly for about 8 months, worked at least 80 hours/week from the first 8 months of my new job while maintaing a part time job and found the time to have the best social life of my life to date! Not only did I go out all the time with my friends (various groups of friends mine you), I traveled all over(even though it was for work), hosted house parties, was in a book club, dated guys all the time and towards the end I even prepared for the freakin LSAT. What happened to that girl? She's still here and she's ready to get out and do some things.

  • Embracing my Drama: here's an area I've not been living full out. Last night I went to go see Nelly at the House of Blues. When he first came out I loved his music. I remember he came to perform at Purdue and I had to go alone because my friends clowned me for becoming "Midwesternized".
    Last night reminded me of why I was so on Nelly and the St. Lunatics - it was because of the one dude with the face mask that would literally dance out the lyrics to each and every one of their hits - he was like the silent hype man (for the longest I thought he was mute because he never speaks at the shows). By looking at him, you can get a full understanding of each and every word they spit. There was a point in my life that - I was a full out interpretation of every thing I expressed. For instance if it were Fourth of July and I was feeling festive, I'd step out in an outfit inspired by that patriotism. If I were sad or unhappy, it would pass quickly because I'd fully express it (sometimes even wearing black lipstick to accompany my mood). If I wanted something, I spoke on it all the time - I embodied what I wanted even when it sounded illogical. I naturally put care, thought and effort in my actions - I want to reflect what it is I have going on. That is who I am and that's what I used to do and that is what I desire to do now. It wasn't always accepted or appreciated by the masses but I do know that those people who were with me were with me regardless so those who are really feeling me won't leave now. I think I eased up because I was called "dramatic". Even if it were meant in a kindhearted way, it stung and I viewed as a negative. Now, it is time to go back to that full expression of myself and let people say what they want.

  • Being open: the times in my life when I was not concerned with the outcome and just doing what I wanted to do, I have been the most happy, adventurous and well rounded. I'm going to embrace more of that. Full, all in participation with no concern or worry on the "what is going to happen if" must return to the core creed of who I am and what I'm about.

I'm really excited about this change because unlike any other change I've ever participated in, this one is more of a move back into the more positive aspects of myself. It is not a mission to become like anything ... more of an exercise in realising who I've always been. Wow! I think this journey is about to get fun!


New Day, New Week

Alas, mid September is here. It is that time of year - back to school time, TV shows return from summer breaks, football - it is fall and I'm excited.
I love the fall - it is my time! As the leaves and trees turn brown and the night comes earlier, I turn within. This is the time of year my best planes are planted (so they can grow and harvest by spring). I got fine in the fall (I began working out with Scott during the fall two years ago before Karla's wedding.). I took the LSAT and applied to law school in the fall. Last fall I moved into my new place and did the Artists Way.
This fall, I'm intending to really do my part to prepare myself for the life I truly desire ... INCLUDING deciding all the things I truly want (because there are some things I'm a little unclear on). I am ready to get real with myself and truly see what it is that will make me happy and what better time than now in the fall!
I am excited about the prospects ahead of me!!!


Check Yo'self Befo' You Wreck Yo'self!

So it is time for a self check ...

I am doing a 40 day activity book called Calling In The One with a group of friends. The other day we had to do an activity where we wrote our essence characteristics ... characteristics of how we love. In order to find out we had to do a meditation, after which I found my love essence was kind and generous. Well, that kind and generous nature of love has met the other side of love I possess - harsh and tough!

I obviously love my family but my heart beats for my grandmother and my little sister. They are my lights and underlie most of the long term decisions I make. My sister can be a brat but I love her so freaking much. That girl has spunk and is beautiful. I do everything I do in part to show her what you can become when you are true to yourself and your desires. My grandmother took me in when my parents wouldn't so of course I'm ridiculously down for her. She raised me to be the amazing woman I am today so I feel I owe a lot to her. This woman and that little girl are my heart and my love for them is often put in a position to be tough and hard. Today's tough love is in defense of my sister.

There is a 16 year age difference between me and my sister and because of the way my mom positioned us after her birth, I'm seen as more of a parental figure (I was always playing a disciplinarian role with her because no one else was). Since my mother works a lot she spends a lot of time with my aunt. Well Hurricane Ike is headed toward their city. My mother is a health care professional has been assigned to work at the hospital until the hurricane situation is over. My sister will be with my aunt who has decided they will stay in her apartment during the storm. If you have any familiarity with Houston, she lives right off of 288 close to the Museum District and that is an area prone to flooding. My aunt works at the hospital and has told me that she has been given a pager that she can "press a button and a helicopter will come and get them if they are in extreme danger." REALLY?

If it is one thing I hate it is when someone tries to play me like a fool! In all my years I've never heard of a freaking pager that you press a freaking red button on that will initiate a helicopter coming to rescue you ESPECIALLY if you are NOT in the top 1 percent of the world's highest income. So now my sister is subject to being in the hurricane under the supervision of someone I feel is CLEARLY freaking delusional (a red button?????). So I am HOT!

This experience has placed me face to face with how I love. It is my love and concern for my family that caused me to care in the first place. I know I am right when I say to evacuate to higher ground (even if it is just going more north to an area that doesn't flood in Houston). BUT it is no longer about if I am right or wrong it is about why the heck would you subject young children (my aunt has a son) to the potential issues of hurricane force winds and rain? AND further why is my entire family believing this pager story?

I am BEYOND upset to the point where I can no longer even talk to them. I'm just over it ... but I'm not because this foolishness affects my heart. AND the fact that my sister has nightmares about rain because during a tropical storm the house flooded ...

I've officially checked myself - I recognize where my feelings are coming from and I clearly see my anger as a result of my feelings of not being heard and not having my opinion respected. How long will it be before they do a self check?


This picture was so amazingly beautiful to me that I had to post. The litle boy looks so hopeful, so excited, so ready for the future. And Obama with the eyes closed looks as if he's either imparting some wisdom (whether verbally or mentally) or just literally embracing the future. I got this picture in an email and was almost moved to tears. I am consumed with an unrelenting feeling of hope and excitement these days and I think this picture kind of found me in one of those moments. I know anything is possible. I know that change occurs when and as it should. I know that everything has a purpose and divine reason. I know that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be. And when I'm actively concentrating on those things, I feel like this little boy looks in the picture.


Exercise Pays Off

I've prayed consistently over the past year for an increase in my faith. And this prayer has been granted time and time again since May of this year ...
I've come to learn that when we pray for a certain quality, God puts us in a position to learn that quality. So in order for me to become more faithful, I have to be in situations that exercise my faith. It is like when you want to increase your leg muscles ... you kind of have to do squats, lunges and cardio or they just won't develop right? Well I got the revelation today that these things that have seemed so difficult in recent months are direct answers to my prayers.
When I had to deal with the mass exits of several of "friends" earlier this summer, I felt like it couldn't get worse. Then Gloria got sick. Then my financial situation went way south. Then I became unchallenged and unfulfilled at work. Then I got a new job that promised one pay only to get here and make significantly less than my old job that didn't pay enough. Then this guy I liked fell off the face of the earth. Then Gloria got really sick and I couldn't get home. Then she passed away. Then I went home and saw how much my family needed me and how far removed I was from them, I felt like crap.
But through out this all, something deep inside of me kept saying be faithful.
Every time I think ok, this is it, it surely can't get any worse, something even stranger and more tragic happens. But everytime it does, it is like my faith is getting stronger and becomes more real. Events have happened today that leave me in the most unstable situation ever. But through this tough last few months, I know for sure that this too will pass and that I'll be okay. I have chosen to just be faithful. I've chosen to believe in what I can not see. I have chosen right now in this moment to rely on the power that has gotten my out of and through dangers seen (and those unseen). I am choosing to keep going in the face of uncertainty believing and knowing that I am not alone.
I think this is the point where I get to show off what I've exercised ... you know like when you are working on your legs and they finally get right so you wear a mini skirt or shorts no matter what the weather is outside. I'm letting this faith hang out all over the place today.
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