Saints Open NFL Season

Today is such a bittersweet day. On one hand I'm uber-excited!!! It's NFL Kickoff day and the superbowl champ Saints are kicking off the festivities!!! There's so much going on in NOLA today, including a concert in Jackson Square. Dave Matthews and Trombone Shorty are performing. Good Lawd Mr. Shorty is so freakin' fine. I swear he's my boyfriend in my head but I digress. Today in New Orleans will be epic! I forgot to even mention the parade Soul Rebels are performing in. The bittersweet part is I can't go. I'm in Baton Rouge. I live in Plaquemine for 6 months, not New Orleans. This normally won't be an issue as NFL games are generally on Sundays...but kickoff is on Thursday thus I'm at work.
This is bigger than tonight's game. The thing is I'm in oblivion. This time is clearly not my time to shine, I'm supposed to be working/grinding right now. It's weird because I love love love to hang but lately have just wanted to stay in (except of course in situations like today). My energy is all off. Not too sure what's going on right now but I guess I can only go with the flow...

Some Things Just Aren't Meant to Be...

SIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

One of my long term goals has been to be inducted into The Hollywood Reporter's Next Generation class. On the day I got my first Hollywood job, I was reading the trades and the nomination form was enclosed for the Next Generation Class of 2005. In a nutshell, every year THR honors the top, up-and-coming executives that are 35 years or younger who have distinguished themselves in the areas of film, television, representation, legal, new media and more (the more is for those exceptional people under 35 that make a huge splash in the industry). The nomination process is every August and the selected execs are featured in a November issue of the trade and honored at this huge party. So on that first day of work, I tore out the nomination form and made a silent request to the Universe that I'd make the list before I turned 35. That was five years ago. As I read the trade today, I saw the nomination form. My first inclination was to do what I do best - start a chutzpah filled PR plan to get myself on the list - I mean I have been working EVERY angle of production there is over the last five years and all my old bosses carry weight. In the next five years, I'm sure I'll be a recognized leader of my industry. But a quick peak at last years class brought me back to reality. This list doesn't honor dreams or good effort, it honors results and executive-level job titles. This realization made me super super sad and devastated - this is my last year of eligibility for nominations. Unless something miraculous happens in the form of a development deal or me getting hired to head up major entity by August 13, this goal of mine will not become a reality.

It's one of those things that just is not meant to be a part of my story. It's like when a smart kid wants to go to Harvard all their life and doesn't get it. They go to some other great school and still become successful but they can never say they went to Harvard. I have many things on this list: winning Ms. Southern, graduating from a California or top-25 law school, being chosen as a City of New Orleans mayoral fellow. I wanted all those things REALLY bad but those things just were not meant to be. They all stung but eventually I moved on. And funny thing is, better things came along-no Ms. S.U. so got to chillax and enjoy my last year on the yard. I met some of my best friends at Thurgood Marshall Law School in Houston-including Kacy who chose me to be a bridesmaid at her 10-10-10 wedding celebration! And by not being tied down to the fellowship, I was free to work on several film and tv gigs that came my way as well as get my business going.

Although it still sucks SO FREAKIN' BAD that this won't be a part of my story (and that I'm almost 35 and that I haven't accomplished accomplished career achievement worthy of the list), I know there's something bigger going on. We shall see what the future holds since this one thing was just not meant to be.

One of Those Days ...

Today was an interesting day. A few weeks ago, I got a call from the powers that be of the pilot I worked on in December. The show had been picked up and I'll get the opportunity to work on the show in an awesome capacity I've never gotten to do before. This position is so in line with my future goals. They were calling to ensure my availability. Since then I've spoken to many of the higher ups so I know this job is a go but it doesn't start until sometime in April. In the meantime I've been focused on my company, DaVida Chanel Productions. I've got four good consulting clients and I'm working very hard (details to come). That was all good and I'm so excited...well I was until today.
A huge movie is coming to town and before I got to work on the pilot, my goal was to get a job on this movie. It will last a long time and it's the biggest budget production in Louisiana history. My position on this film will not be as creative as the one on the pilot but because it is so big, it'll look good on my resume. Well, after months of trying EVERY contact I had to get on this show, it seemed like no hope for that gig. Today they called to hire me. He asked point blank if I'd be working on anything soon and I told the truth. He said thanks and good luck but for the job he was offering he needed a full commitment for the show. I thanked him for his time. As soon as I hung up, BREAKDOWN. What if my gig on the tv show falls through? What if I am notMore...able to come through on my promises to my clients? What if I'm in over my head? ARGH! The self doubt and insecurities creeping in. Here's the thing. I KNOW what I KNOW. I KNOW where I'm headed and I KNOW that I create my reality. I KNOW the power of my subconscious mind and most importantly I KNOW what God has told me. I KNOW there are no coincidences and I KNOW I've been in tough situations before and it worked out. But knowing all that, it is still scary sometimes to really put it all on the line for something not so certain (remember all the what ifs?). And its not like I've got money stacked somewhere and the bills keep coming (I have different level clients so the money is not all coming in at once). Deep breath. This is the time that I've got to get my faith on. So I walk by faith and not by sight. Time to start walking ...

This Has GOT To Change ...

Rarely does a piece of art speak so specifically to how I feel. I feel like Barbie: down, out, beat down, dirty, done just done. This sucks so bad. I want to be positive I really really do. I try to be positive I really do. But things just are not looking up. SIGH how much more can one person take ... I'm ready for the tide to change. Its got to. So I keep it moving as much as I can but like Ms. Barbie today I'm simply stuck. ARGH!

Confession Time

I have a confession. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well last night because I had this nagging cough. I was super cold so I'd bundle up and turn on the heater only to become super hot. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today for some time so that worked out perfectly. She gave me an exam and decided that I needed a cortisone shot and mucinexD to break up an upper respiratory infection I'm developing. But I think something bigger is going on.

I'm a firm believer that physical ailments manifest from emotional or subconscious thought patterns that literally make us sick. One of my favorite authors, Louise Hay has written many a book on the subject, my favorite being "You Can Heal Your Life." She breaks down many common illnesses and their root problem. The root problem of respiratory illness deals with not being seen in the world or the fear of taking in life fully. I believe my lack of dealing with my issues head on has made me sick.

More...
I'm simply not fully happy. I'm not depressed - I love most aspects of my life. New Orleans has been wonderful as far as exploring my creativity. I thoroughly enjoy the city and all it has to offer EXCEPT in one area: my career. I feel that my career is stagnant (actually regressing) and it makes me mad, sad, hurt, confused, stressed, scared and of now SICK! I hate not having a "real" job. Yes I enjoy waiting tables and my teaching thing with the girls, but I strive in environments where my work is more purposeful. I enjoy being in charge of things, people and schedules. I found my "thing" as an assistant. I was really great at running the lives of others - I always made sure my bosses were where they needed to be, prepared for their day and aware of all that was going on. Their clients loved me (and I them) and I was very well regarded. Even before then when I was a sports information director I felt the same way. I feel like I was able to really leave my mark in the places I worked and with the people I worked with. Now I do not have that same umph about life, goals and the like. While I do enjoy a lot more time on my hands, I am bored. I've tried very hard to really focus that energy on myself and my goals but it is difficult because I miss the invigoration I felt when working. I felt like I was on a path - now I feel like I'm floating aimlessly.

I need to figure out what is next for me. My biggest fear has always been to wake up on my 40th birthday and really hate my life. I'm getting a lot closer to that point and I believe I have to make moves to prepare me for what is to come. I feel like since I've been out of full-time work (Oct. 2008), I do not know how to adequately get it together. Its almost a year since I've been back South and while I've done a lot that I'm proud of, I need a job! I need to make money. I need to get it together. I thought that my time of assisting others was done and it was time to focus on my goals but now I'm not so sure. The truth is I'm not sure of anything anymore except that for the first time in forever I'm really sick. I rarely say this, but I just don't know what to do. And that admission of utter "I don't knowness" is my confession.