11.04.2009

Confession Time

I have a confession. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well last night because I had this nagging cough. I was super cold so I'd bundle up and turn on the heater only to become super hot. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today for some time so that worked out perfectly. She gave me an exam and decided that I needed a cortisone shot and mucinexD to break up an upper respiratory infection I'm developing. But I think something bigger is going on.

I'm a firm believer that physical ailments manifest from emotional or subconscious thought patterns that literally make us sick. One of my favorite authors, Louise Hay has written many a book on the subject, my favorite being "You Can Heal Your Life." She breaks down many common illnesses and their root problem. The root problem of respiratory illness deals with not being seen in the world or the fear of taking in life fully. I believe my lack of dealing with my issues head on has made me sick.
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I'm simply not fully happy. I'm not depressed - I love most aspects of my life. New Orleans has been wonderful as far as exploring my creativity. I thoroughly enjoy the city and all it has to offer EXCEPT in one area: my career. I feel that my career is stagnant (actually regressing) and it makes me mad, sad, hurt, confused, stressed, scared and of now SICK! I hate not having a "real" job. Yes I enjoy waiting tables and my teaching thing with the girls, but I strive in environments where my work is more purposeful. I enjoy being in charge of things, people and schedules. I found my "thing" as an assistant. I was really great at running the lives of others - I always made sure my bosses were where they needed to be, prepared for their day and aware of all that was going on. Their clients loved me (and I them) and I was very well regarded. Even before then when I was a sports information director I felt the same way. I feel like I was able to really leave my mark in the places I worked and with the people I worked with. Now I do not have that same umph about life, goals and the like. While I do enjoy a lot more time on my hands, I am bored. I've tried very hard to really focus that energy on myself and my goals but it is difficult because I miss the invigoration I felt when working. I felt like I was on a path - now I feel like I'm floating aimlessly.

I need to figure out what is next for me. My biggest fear has always been to wake up on my 40th birthday and really hate my life. I'm getting a lot closer to that point and I believe I have to make moves to prepare me for what is to come. I feel like since I've been out of full-time work (Oct. 2008), I do not know how to adequately get it together. Its almost a year since I've been back South and while I've done a lot that I'm proud of, I need a job! I need to make money. I need to get it together. I thought that my time of assisting others was done and it was time to focus on my goals but now I'm not so sure. The truth is I'm not sure of anything anymore except that for the first time in forever I'm really sick. I rarely say this, but I just don't know what to do. And that admission of utter "I don't knowness" is my confession.

1 comment:

Kendra said...

I hope you feel better! Thanks for your help today in the midst of not feeling well! Surely good Karma will come to you! I do agree with you on illness... I was in a dispute with someone and I couldn't sleep and that next day I developed Pink Eye! I haven't had Pink Eye in years and I think it was due to this... Once it was resolved, my Pink Eye went away! Carpe Diem!

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