Now What

February is a blur. I moved into my place the second week and have been going like a wild woman ever since. I'm finally in and all settled and with Mardi Gras behind me, I'm ready for my more settled life. The thing is I'm not set up here. I do work at a restaurant and have a lot of other personal projects, but no official get up in the morning and head into work job. On one hand this is extremely exciting - I make my day up as I go along. I've decided to build my own business based on my "image" and past experiences so all of my "free" time should be dedicated to endeavors that build that business. I should be spending a ton of time working on my website, continuing to blog and being out networking. I just do not feel like it. I don't have strong motivation towards anything these days. The good news is I know my inspiration is coming. I know this because I'm making it a mission to find and maintain my mojo. Today I started a workout plan - both spiritual and physical. I'm also dedicating myself to better health - since I've arrived here I've been eating, drinking and unfortunately smoking (my old neurotic habit came back). Today I tossed what was left of my cigs and cut myself off from my bad habits. I've deleted some numbers (AGAIN) and plan on spending some time isolated from people, situations and things not conducive to my growth. Although a small part of me feels overly dramatic, the majority of me thinks this is exactly what I need to accomplish the things I want. After all, time keeps on ticking so it is time for me to get on with getting on.

Decisions Decisions

I LOVE TV! It is my favorite past time activity. And I love DVR that cable provides - so when I get home all of my fav shows are waiting for me to choose what I'll watch. Today I had to make a HUGE decision - do I get cable or internet service. I went with the web and will not have cable until I get some money saved or more stable income coming in. On one hand, this is a horribly sad day! How can I not have cable? How am I going to watch the Academy Awards on Sunday? (It is Mardi Gras weekend so no go on going to a public place to check it out!) But on the other hand, I can focus on some other things that are important to me instead of just being tied down to TV. ARGH - I long for the day when I don't have to make either or decisions based on finances.

Enjoying the New Pad

I love my new place - it is cute, has character and is in a great location. The problem: NO INTERNET! I am debating on if I want to purchase the web through cable or phone company and in the meantime, there are no unsecure wireless connections I can connect to. It sucks and in the meantime I haven't been able to update my blog. I will say when my connection is up and running, I'm sure you'll hear a lot from me because I've moved into the most creative space ever!

Speaking of creativity, I'm definitely exploring my talents in New Orleans. I went on an audition for a co-host for a local entertainment/lifestyle magazine show. I'm in the running and have been shooting segments YAY!!! So exciting. I finally got Final Draft on my computer and have been working on my short. I went to see the shorts nominated for 2009 Oscar on Tuesday. They were amazing and really inspiring. I also found a meditation/yoga group I enjoy on Friday mornings. I'm really getting into the groove of the city.

I'll share pictures soon!

I AM THAT

In my studies of metaphysics or new thought/ancient wisdom, a common tenant is that we are that which proclaim we are ("I am that, I am"). Last night Katie Couric interviewed Weezy F. Baby - Lil Wayne. It was so good! First of all, I'm forever entertained by Weezy. His lyrics are the most clever, informative and masterful. His words are always so authentic and heartfelt. I respond well to Lil' Wayne's music and his interviews always are so open. Here's a clip from last night. My favorite part of the interview. When asked how he remembers his lyrics when he doesn't write them down, he replied that everyone asked that and he'd like her to know it is because he IS his music.

Feelin' Good!

I can say that life is good - funny thing is it is ALWAYS good depending on how you look at it!

On Sunday I had an emotional breakdown. Don't want to go into too much detail but I saw a side of myself I recognized but don't like. I hadn't seen that side in over 5 years but it was alive and well. She's the bastard stepchild of my persona that comes out when I feel I'm being played. She's a beast and once she's going it is hard to stop her or rationalize with her. She's so opposite from my normal that when the person that unfortunatley got to see this side, he thought I was on drugs. There was a huge difference this time though. I didn't get caught up in that. The episode lasted a day instead of the weeks or months it used to last (when she came out 5 years ago it was BAD and almost ended a friendship w/my soul sis Mistie). I didn't beat myself up - in fact I celebrated me (not rewarding that behavior, but praising the fact I am human and we all slip up sometimes). I gave myself some space to see what was really going on. While it appeared this beast of me had come out because I felt betrayed by a friend, he hadn't really done me anything at all. She really came because she had been betrayed by me.

As my co-dependency blog alludes to, I can sometimes get caught up in other people's stuff so much so I forget about my own. Since I moved here, I haven't really been focused on me. I kept finding myself getting involved in other peoples' stuff (One friend was thinking of moving to N.O. to pursue her acting and I totally hopped on that bandwagon. Another friend wants to pursue a new media idea that I love and partner with me on some promotional stuff so I got on that too. Even at the restaurant where I work, I got super excited and behind this writer's idea for a novel.) The point is I was paying no attention to MY stuff - writing my short film, finding a place in the area I wanted to live in, getting my new hairstyle, all the things I wanted to see and do once I moved to NOLA - just generally taking care of MY priorities. My beast came out not because my friend was the root of the problem but because I wasn't making me the priority (it just so happens on that day, HE was the priority and got the focus of my attention).

On Monday I woke up and began some soul and internet searching to finds some information on my issue. That night and on Tuesday, I journaled, prayed and meditated on my situation and the answer of returning to the goal of "putting DaVida first" kept ringing out. And I listened. I made a hair appointment immediately and went got a fab-o new do (pics to come but it fits in line w/the wantsies). After I got a call I had been waiting for - my application for my new apartment in the heart of Uptown New Orleans was approved! I called a friend to share the news and she told me she had some furniture for me - which is HUGE b/c now I only have to buy new mattresses for now. While I was getting my nails done and got a text from another friend telling me "No matter what, I'd be great and to keep pushing." - How timely?

I'm really excited for all the things that are to come and I am determined to from now on, take care of me first. I'm focused on me and it feels good!

I think I might be co-dependent.

I found out online that codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain.Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive.These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives.... ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves.

I have some really great friends who are regular and not consuming, but I have (and have had) a multitude of friendships with people who I feel are very needand I need to help. I blame them for not "doing right" and figure I have to show them the way. I find often that I say things like I don't know why such and such acts this way - I have to do good so they can get it. I also often don't say what I feel - I say what I think is needed at the moment. I also get so involved with them, I don't really focus at all on myself. From the site, these are behaviors I see in myself that could indicate I'm codependent:

*Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
*Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
*Anticipate other people's needs and wonder why others don't do the same for them.
*Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
*Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
*Feel different from the rest of the world.
*Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
*Appear rigid and controlled.
*Think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
*Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
*Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
*Lost interest in their own lives when they love.
*Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
*Don't say what they mean. Don't mean what they say. Don't know what they mean.
*Don't trust themselves. Don't trust their feelings. Don't trust their decisions. *Don't trust other people.
*Are caretakers in the bedroom.
*Find it difficult to feel close to people.

Okay, if that's the diagnosis, the goal for February is to do some SELF LOVE! I'm all about showering my energy and affections on myself so that I can attract what I really want in life. This month I'm going to do a lot of work to show myself how much I really do love me! I'm pushing my love for self to the limit!!!