Blah ...

I feel blah today. My meeting yesterday was ok but not great. My "partner" and I went to dinner and he's still trying to move forward - how do you move forward with such a huge issue not even 48 hours old? I don't know if I want to be anybody's partner. I wish I could do everything I wanted or needed to on my own from the comfort of my apartment. I guess that isn't fully true, but that IS how I feel right now. I need to go talk to a professional LOL!

Seriously though I think it may be a positive thing to go to counseling or therapy right now. I don't think I've fully dealt with my job loss thing. I'm REALLY into my work and what it is I do and now I don't really do anything. Yes I'm working on my own projects (sometimes) but I mean I am not on a career track for the first time since I graduated college and it feels uncomfortable. Yes there are days when I love the flexibility of waiting tables, but I'd feel much better if I had a REAL job to go to everyday (you know with a desk, and voicemail, and tasks to get accomplished). I also find that I still have some lingering daddy issues (and I thought the whole my name is a lie thing was behind me!). Those issues come up when people are leaving. Even though I KNOW that letting them go may be better, it feels like the whole they are leaving me b/c something must be wrong with me crap I felt as a kid when my parents weren't around.

I wish I were stronger and able to fight through this better and with more conviction. It makes me feel weak that I'm dealing with the same stuff for what seems like the 100th time. I feel like I have no clue how to take care of me and that sucks. ARGH why all this blahness today?