What I Want Now

I have heard several times and read in several places that people generally display what they want to "be" when they are children. Since I am home I decided to interview my family members to see what I wanted to "be" to see if that will help me in this time of indecision and confusion. Many said I enjoyed playing school and spending time alone, but they all confessed that I was usually into whatever it was I was doing at the time - they said I didn't talk much about the future I was just super concerned with what I was doing right then and there.

This was extremely helpful because I find that the dream for my life is constantly changing and evolving. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in Los Angeles. I moved to L.A. in 2005 and earlier this year deeply felt like I was over being there. This was extremely hard because I had/have no idea what I'd want to do if it wasn't being in L.A. since I've wanted that for as long as I remember. What happens when dreams change?

Well I began to review my life. My dreams have changed quite a bit. As far as career, I have had three (teacher, sports information director, Hollywood assistant). I've excelled at them all (my students excelled on their aptitude tests and I passed all of my classroom evaluations; at Purdue I was promoted from intern to full time assistant S.I.D. in six months becoming proficient in all aspects of that field and in H'wood, I had the opportunity to work for three of the most accomplished management companies and have stellar recommendations from them all). But at some point of all of those things, at some point, I was ready to move on - even though that meant leaving behind whatever financial level I had achieved. I have started over a lot. I'm ready to move on now but am I really ready to start over? I want to live in New Orleans and work in the city's film and video department to help the economic relief program. It is an exciting time there - everything is "on the verge" of becoming whatever it is going to become and I want to be on the ground floor of that. I think that unlike Hollywood, I have a unique opportunity to be involved in both entertainment (which I love) and local politics (a longterm secret desire of mine). There is so much opportunity there that I don't readily see in any other location. These opportunities though find me in a position I didn't want to be in at 32.

To pursue these opportunities in New Orleans, I would have to live in my home state and get my hustle on. I've done this before in both Indiana and California but that was different because I felt like I had nothing to lose (I was young and not under the pressure of being around people who know me). I find it hard here because quite honestly I am embarrassed. At home, people I went to college with are financially secure, have homes and are pursuing "real" careers (ie doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc.). In Hollywood, everyone I know is like me (pursuing some dream regardless of the financial implications). I know I shouldn't be concerned with how others view me, but quite honestly, this situation is bringing me face to face with my beliefs on myself - I feel that someone of my age with my education SHOULD be at a certain level financially.

At the end of the day, I am working on acceptance. If I truly accept this situation for what it is, I must admit that I want to go after what New Orleans has for me. I have to accept that my dream and the location of my dream has changed. I would be compelled to accept that at this time I do not have certain material possessions and be grateful for those things I do have. And as I sit with those realizations, it feels okay. I honestly feel if I pursue the desires of my heart, everything else will fall into place. And these days, what is financial security anyway?

Hmmm, this is the best part of blogging/journaling. In this entry, I was able to determine what is truly important to me and it is not what people (including my judgmental side) think of what is happening in my life. Right now I want to pursue my dream ... whatever it may be today.