I can say that life is good - funny thing is it is ALWAYS good depending on how you look at it!
On Sunday I had an emotional breakdown. Don't want to go into too much detail but I saw a side of myself I recognized but don't like. I hadn't seen that side in over 5 years but it was alive and well. She's the bastard stepchild of my persona that comes out when I feel I'm being played. She's a beast and once she's going it is hard to stop her or rationalize with her. She's so opposite from my normal that when the person that unfortunatley got to see this side, he thought I was on drugs. There was a huge difference this time though. I didn't get caught up in that. The episode lasted a day instead of the weeks or months it used to last (when she came out 5 years ago it was BAD and almost ended a friendship w/my soul sis Mistie). I didn't beat myself up - in fact I celebrated me (not rewarding that behavior, but praising the fact I am human and we all slip up sometimes). I gave myself some space to see what was really going on. While it appeared this beast of me had come out because I felt betrayed by a friend, he hadn't really done me anything at all. She really came because she had been betrayed by me.
As my co-dependency blog alludes to, I can sometimes get caught up in other people's stuff so much so I forget about my own. Since I moved here, I haven't really been focused on me. I kept finding myself getting involved in other peoples' stuff (One friend was thinking of moving to N.O. to pursue her acting and I totally hopped on that bandwagon. Another friend wants to pursue a new media idea that I love and partner with me on some promotional stuff so I got on that too. Even at the restaurant where I work, I got super excited and behind this writer's idea for a novel.) The point is I was paying no attention to MY stuff - writing my short film, finding a place in the area I wanted to live in, getting my new hairstyle, all the things I wanted to see and do once I moved to NOLA - just generally taking care of MY priorities. My beast came out not because my friend was the root of the problem but because I wasn't making me the priority (it just so happens on that day, HE was the priority and got the focus of my attention).
On Monday I woke up and began some soul and internet searching to finds some information on my issue. That night and on Tuesday, I journaled, prayed and meditated on my situation and the answer of returning to the goal of "putting DaVida first" kept ringing out. And I listened. I made a hair appointment immediately and went got a fab-o new do (pics to come but it fits in line w/the wantsies). After I got a call I had been waiting for - my application for my new apartment in the heart of Uptown New Orleans was approved! I called a friend to share the news and she told me she had some furniture for me - which is HUGE b/c now I only have to buy new mattresses for now. While I was getting my nails done and got a text from another friend telling me "No matter what, I'd be great and to keep pushing." - How timely?
I'm really excited for all the things that are to come and I am determined to from now on, take care of me first. I'm focused on me and it feels good!