Because It Is ALWAYS Good

As I drove home from work after writing the last blog, I was caught up in my thoughts of everything I had written. I was "trying" to cry but the tears wouldn't fall. I recognized the seperation between my ego and my higher self on the way home.

My ego kept saying hold on to what you did in the past.
My higher self reminded me about forgiveness and letting go.
My ego kept reminding me that Gloria was dying.
My higher self reminded me that Gloria is ALIVE.
My ego kept saying but you're selfish and not really there for people.
My higher self reminded me how I am loving and lovable.
My ego kept saying but you are only a temp and you don't have a real job.
My higher self reminded me that I am what I say I am and I say I am a success.
My ego kept saying that it is okay to have faith but to face reality.
My higher self reminded me of exactly what is Reality.
My ego kept screaming and talking crap.
My higher self was the quiet still voice that kept tugging at my heart.

I know that all is well ALL THE TIME and there is ALWAYS some good.

And so it is ....

Breakthrough or Breakdown?

I love my blog - here I can be me 100 percent. I can be scared or nervous and have no shame or guilt about it. I can be hopeful and overly optimistic in the face of all sorts of drama. I can be a silly girl or an intellectual woman - here I can be me to the 1,00oth degree. I can go on and on and let it all out ...

Today it is hard being me. I don't talk much about my family well I don't talk much about spending time with my family. In fact, it is very similar with my folks and my friends. I love them DEARLY but don't always feel the need to be with them ... which is why living so far away from home is usually perfect. I'm feeling it now though - the being apart. First off I haven't seen my Granny since Sept and when I did, it was for my mom's 50th so it was her weekend and I didn't have time to just sit with the female love of my life. I didn't make it home for Christmas last year (first time in forever) so it has been rough. Today that feeling of longing to be with her is overwhelming ... my little cousin Gloria is fighting for her life. And I'm fighting for the awareness of the presence of God in everything that is going on. And I've never been one who heads confidently into a fight ...

Everything seems kind of f*&ked right now. I'm trying to stay positive. It is very difficult. I switched jobs about 3 weeks ago and it has been a bit much - my pay isn't exactly what I was promised when coming over. The good news is I'm an independent contractor so my check on tomorrow will be more than my old gig (BUT no taxes are taken out so I have to pay come tax time). The bad news is I have no security. Everyday I come to work unsure of if I have a work to come to. I don't do well with that ... As important as prestigious companies are to me, I turned down the shot to work at WMA b/c they wanted me to start as a floater. I like stability in terms of working. So obviously I don't have any vacation days and now I need to go home. Gloria took a horrible turn last night ... while the bone marrow tests show there is no more cancer, her weakened body is having issues. She has pneumonia and after coding three times in the last 24 hours, she's on a respirator. DAYUM. She has a son, her birthday is later this month and on Sunday her mom told me Gloria is so mad that she has no desire to pray. Today everyone went home.

I want to go home Friday but I'm stuck here for now. Of course plane tickets are STUPID expensive (well leaving with less than 7 days notice is always an issue). Luckily, I'm blessed with great friends so someone will get me one. BUT because I can't miss work (in addition to it being unstable, it is a "trial" period and my attendance is pretty mandatory - I'm in pseudo competition with another person they hired at the same time) and if I go home this weekend and need to stay past Monday, I probably won't have a job to come back to. The other thing is I live check to check and with this new job I obviously don't have vacation time accrued so if I don't work, I don't eat (or pay bills, etc.). Because of the way it all went down I want to just say fuck it and hop in my car I can't pay for and head south. Is this just another clear example that going south may be a better situation for me? But I can't just up and do that - I have responsibilities here - gotta pay my rent and can't dip out in the middle of the night (I have a roommate what kind of crap would that be?). My family doesn't want me to do anything right now - I know they mean well when they say they want me to wait in case the unspeakable happens but they don't get it ...

I have dealt well with death - I grew up in a funeral home so it kind of comes with the territory. Also, I have always believed that the "afterlife" was something better than the present - for some time after physical death, I believe you get to go back and really be with God - know him, know the true you (but that is my belief). But I still carry the guilt of two deaths with me everyday that I didn't deal so well with. 1. My Godmother - she did EVERYTHING for me, literally giving me all that I desired (one day I figured out I could sew, she got me a sewing machine that I never even put thread into; I love to type, bought me a typewriter; love to cook, my own little play kitchen). She was sick and had been released from the hospital, and I was supposed to go over and see her. I was riding with my aunt and had to drop off my graduation invites so it made sense. My aunt was experiencing her own hell in drug addiction so said if we could just put it in the mailbox, I wouldn't have to go inside and she'd let me use her car all day if I dropped her off with her "friends". So I didn't go in. I was old enough to know better but I chose to not go in ... Two days later she died. I knew she had just gotten out of the hospital but I didn't take the 15 minutes to go in and say hello. 2. During Thanksgiving the year after I graduated my Louisiana family went to Houston to celebrate with my mom and aunt in Houston. I couldn't go because I had to work the Friday after Thanksgiving at my parttime job (mandatory). That Friday morning my Granny called and said they came home because my one uncle (not great uncle or play uncle or uncle in law, but my one real brother of my mother) was really sick and they had to bring him home. He had been battling his own personal hell for some time and was sometimes difficult to be around. She asked if I'd come to Plaquemine when I got off work. I said if I got off in time ... I actually got off very early but opted to go to dinner with my roommate and go to bed early. My cell starting ringing about 2am. They had to rush him to New Orleans to the Veterans Hospital. The next day he died ... I just didn't feel like being bothered so I didn't go to Plaquemine that night ... I didn't think he was that sick, he was barely 40. I just didn't go.

As "good" as I am, there is a part of me that becomes quite reclusive and just doesn't want to be bothered sometimes ... how selfish is that shit? I talk a lot about feeling all alone but in reality it is likely because I don't always truly give of myself. I hold that shit in because in all honesty, I don't think people really care to hear about it. I rather keep my shit to myself ... and honestly, I like it when people keep their shit to themselves. I've been called shallow, I'm not - in fact, I'm rather deep with my own stuff, just not always the biggest share-er.

So because all of this crap is on my mind, I find it hard to sleep ... I listen to my IPod at night to try and let the word of God seep into my brain. Joel Osteen was talking the other night to me - he was speaking of how when we are just really going through it, it is because we are about to experience a breakthrough. He spoke of Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo - how when they were in the fire, they were not burned and the spirit of the living God was with them. Joel said what I've heard many times before, that when we feel the pressure and the heat, don't even consider the burn because God is going to be right there "in it" with us. I know that I know this is the truth. I know that God is always there.

What I don't know if this is the point of the breakthrough or my breakdown ... I literally do not know how much more I can bear.

That's why I love my blog. I just let go of some stuff that has been on my heart and in my mind and hopefully by putting it out there, making myself aware of what is really happening can allow me to focus on the truth. And the truth is God is ALWAYS there. In the true Reality, I'm always protected, provided for and loved my the most high - I just need to re-remind myself of that truth all the time.

EVEN NOW ...

Sometimes Saying Sorry is the First Step to Making Things Better

House formally apologizes for slavery and Jim Crow

WASHINGTON (AP) - The House on Tuesday issued an unprecedented apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow segregation laws.
"Today represents a milestone in our nation's efforts to remedy the ills of our past," said Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, D-Mich., chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus.
The resolution, passed by voice vote, was the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. Cohen faces a formidable black challenger in a primary face-off next week.
Congress has issued apologies before - to Japanese-Americans for their internment during World War II and to native Hawaiians for the overthrow of the Hawaiian kingdom in 1893. In 2005, the Senate apologized for failing to pass anti-lynching laws.
Five states have issued apologies for slavery, but past proposals in Congress have stalled, partly over concerns that an apology would lead to demands for reparations - payment for damages.
The Cohen resolution does not mention reparations. It does commit the House to rectifying "the lingering consequences of the misdeeds committed against African-Americans under slavery and Jim Crow."
It says that Africans forced into slavery "were brutalized, humiliated, dehumanized and subjected to the indignity of being stripped of their names and heritage" and that black Americans today continue to suffer from the consequences of slavery and Jim Crow laws that fostered discrimination and segregation.
The House "apologizes to African-Americans on behalf of the people of the United States, for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow."
"Slavery and Jim Crow are stains upon what is the greatest nation on the face of the earth," Cohen said. Part of forming a more perfect union, he said, "is such a resolution as we have before us today where we face up to our mistakes and apologize as anyone should apologize for things that were done in the past that were wrong."
Cohen became the first white to represent the 60 percent black district in Memphis in more than three decades when he captured a 2006 primary where a dozen black candidates split the vote. He has sought to reach out to his black constituents, and early in his term showed interest in joining the Congressional Black Caucus until learning that was against caucus rules.
Another of his first acts as a freshman congressman in early 2007 was to introduce the slavery apology resolution. His office said that the House resolution was brought to the floor only after learning that the Senate would be unable to join in a joint resolution.
More than a dozen of the 42 Congressional Black Caucus members in the House were original co-sponsors of the measure. The caucus has not endorsed either Cohen or his chief rival, attorney Nikki Tinker, in the Memphis primary, although Cohen is backed by several senior members, including Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers, D-Mich., and Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charles Rangel, D-N.Y. Tinker is the former campaign manager of Harold Ford, Jr., who held Cohen's seat until he stepped down in an unsuccessful run for the Senate in 2006.
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The bill is H. Res. 194
On the Net:
Congress: http://thomas.loc.gov

LET instead of GET

I have built a life on "getting" - get that money, get that dude, get that car, get those shoes, get that job, get them hoes, get that fool, get that feeling ... get it, get it, get it girl (and get it guhl for my ghetto days). I have always been able to GET or at least try to get it - I'm a do-er and get is a "do" word. When I'm trying to get something I have to do something for it - make it happen, force it to happen, will it to happen. At church a couple weeks ago, Dr. Michael spoke about replacing a get mentality with a let mentality. I didn't quite understand so I had to review the meanings. By definition, get means to go after, arrive, cause, catch or reach. LET is not quite the same. LET means to allow or to permit. This reminded me that I'm supposed to be learning about surrender. LET is a word that resonates with surrendering. It is not passive like I had previously thought, but it requires work to LET and to surrender. Let is a more spiritual term than get. So as events steady come at me in my life, I'm reminded to just let it. Let my life evolve and unfold, let my attachment go, let it come to me and fall into place - LET IT BE ... ahhh let it be, somebody should write a song called "Let It Be" ...

Birthday Dinner at Mirabelle's

PERFECT Analogy

Ever had a boyfriend that was a good guy - he was alright across the board but not quite what you wanted? He was good but not the ideal relationship you desired? Then a 10 comes along - EXACTLY what you wanted. So you say "f" the old dude, chunk him the deuces (it is not you, it is me) and go for the new dude. 10 minutes in, you notice he's not all he was cracked up to be and you kind of miss your old boo. A week in, you realize he is just all wrong and shady and a liar and BROKE! You miss your old boo and try to go back and he has a new chick?

That is the perfect analogy for my life right now ...

She Wants That Thing ...

When people would ask one of my old bosses "why" or "how come", he'd walk them to the door and say because that right there is my name on the door. One day my name will be on a door and I can not wait.

Everyone has different things in life. Some people love to dance - they are so into dance, they move through the day on their toes instead of flat footed like the rest of the world. Some people love their families and their life revolves around that - their decisions are based on the members of their family and their family obligations and schedules. My thing has been and will continue to be work. I literally love work - it is the priority always. When I was very young I got my aunt to teach me how to answer the phone and file papers at the funeral home when I was there to visit. I worked the counter at my great-uncle's little corner store and I was the best 6 year old bartender you ever wanted to see at all of my family events. I take pride in my work - I've never looked at any job as "just a job" - there is no such thing to me. And if a job felt unfulfilling or was the type of job that took no effort, then it wasn't the gig for me and I'd quit. As you can imagine after hearing this, I'm a great employee and have never left any job without fanfare, words of encouragement and the best referrals you could imagine (even from bars LOL!). It is my goal to one day take all the skills I've learned at all these levels of employment and start my own business - put DaVida Chanel on the door.

I have taken time to really plan and architect the career I desire. I know exactly what I want and I keep my truest dreams close to my chest because I don't really care about anyone's opinion on my goals. These goals are too big to be mine alone so I know that they were placed in my heart by a higher power. And I work hard at it - I don't ever "phone in" when it comes to the plan - this is my "thing" and I take it extremely serious. I know without a doubt that I'm built for this - everything from my spirituality, former religion, astrology, numerology, genealogy - all of it points to building a career where I can one day become the boss and have a successful business.

The conflict arises when things don't quite work according to the plan. Life has a little bit of a risk factor and we all take chances and risks along the way to get to the dreams and desires of our hearts - it doesn't just happen. But when taking risks, you can sometimes lose - that loss provides a bigger lesson in the future but in the present it seems that a mistake may have been made or a wrong turn could have been taken. I'm so happy that I now know there are no mistakes in life - mistakes are a myth. Everything that happens always happens for a reason. When it looks like a failure to me, I could be getting set up for a huge victory - that is just how it works. I've learned to take the "L" and keep it moving. This is not done without any emotion - it hurts and it is okay to feel that hurt but I refuse to live in it.

One of the realest things I ever heard was about these three lepers in the Bible days. The passage opens with them stuck on the side of the road. They were hungry, desperate and in need of shelter and food. There choices were to stay on the side of the road, go back to where they had come or to keep moving forward. These all seemed like horrible choices at the time: going back wasn't good because they know what they had just experienced where they were - heck that is why they left in the first place! They could just stay where they were but where they were was whack - it was the side of the road with nothing. Or they could move forward although they had no idea what to expect. They decide that it was faith that led them to leave in the first place so they continued onward. It got rougher and they went through more bad patches but in the end, they arrived at a community that had been deserted at the threat of war. This community had everything and they had just left it all there - I mean gold, the finest silks, all kinds of stuff. The lepers were able to experience a life they had never known - they got to build the community in the way they would have it. They always knew in their hearts they were destined for more, and the reality was they were and now they just had to step into it. As bad as it got and even when they doubted themselves, they never gave up the belief they were destined for more.

Regardless of what appears to be happening right now, the truth is there is no lack in my life, all of my needs are met and God is always sufficient in every area of my life. Right now as I sit on the side of the road, my only choice is to press forward toward the dream and desire of my heart. Yes it is hard and sometimes hurts like hell but I am not that hurt. I allow myself to fully take on that pain and then simply release it and let it go. I know that I'm not out here trying to get something or make something happen - I'm following a plan that is laid out by something bigger than me. Even when it looks bad, hurts and I can't figure it out, I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be ... in pursuit of my "thing"!

It's Bacccckkkkk

My favorite reality show is CBS' Big Brother and tonight it was BACK! Big Brother 10 is better than ever! Back to the original format where none of the contestants know one another or have a previous connection - BUT new exciting twist where everyone voted on a new Head of Household before entering ... this show is so good. This season has people that are worth rooting for - James who is 70, Libra who is a mother of twins, one black one white, Keesha who's name would indicate a black girl from the hood is actually a white chick and Memphis who is NOT a bartender but a mixologist ..... I LOVE THIS SHOW! The alliances have begun, the deceit has begun, the slop has been served aaaahhh it is officially summer!

What Hidden Talent?

I have a vision board in my bathroom that is supposed to inspire me in my career. It is full of quotes, cute sayings and pictures that are meant to get me crunk before the start of a new day at the job. Well it is in a spot that I don't have to look at everyday so I had kind of forgotten about it. Today I caught a glimpse of this one quote from Scarlett Johansson:

My hidden talent? I don't keep any of my talents hidden! With me, it's more like, "Hey, look at what I can do!"

I love that quote and that attitude! And it is clearly working in her world - she's a great, acclaimed actress who has an album due out soon. Now her music might not be for me, but she's doing her thing. And it is because she's not holding any of her self back.

I really needed to see this quote and have this revelation today - my last day at my current job is tomorrow but my boss will be out of the office so it is sort of like today. My current boss is such a nice guy and is sad because I'm leaving which devastates me (as a person who struggles with abandonment issues, it is very hard to leave people ESPECIALLY people who want me to stay; unlike my last boss who hid his true feelings by pushing me away, this boss is very vocal in his desire for me to stay and it is tearing me up). The quote reminds me that I MUST share my talent and allow myself to grow and shine. Who am I to hold back the gifts that God has given to me? And at this new gig, I will have the opportunity to shine in front of a much bigger audience and get that much closer to my goals of being here in Hollywood. I have to take my own advice and take a step in the direction of my dreams right?

So Ms. Johansson quote has set the tone for the day and like all things reminded me that what we need is always there.

My New Crib

I love blogging - it is fun and I feel like I have my own little spot on the big, huge world wide web where I can do exactly what I'd like (you know like having a teeny apartment in a big huge city?). I take pride in my blog as if it were my home. I decorate it often and switch things up a bit - you know keepin' the digs fresh. When I want to paint my room, I can change the color of my blog (for free and no effort - and it is instant). So as I work on my new image to start my new job and entering my new age (B day around the corner), I decided that my blog needed some NEWness too. So welcome to my new diggs online. I'm very excited because I actually had to go in and change some code - who knew I could do that!!! I've been inspired to do much more with the content too so you might see some changes in my posts too (I plan to write more when I feel like it instead of waiting for some huge epiphany). As usual, thanks for coming along for the journey - feel free to leave your shoes on when you come in.

What A Man ...

As I mature and get older, my prototype of the type of man I desire continues to evolve and change (thank God the days when I thought the prototype should include some inherent violence and gangsterness like O-Dog from Menace II Society are long gone!). Now when I picture the right type of man for me, I'm all about a one that is hardworking, successful, makes his family a priority and is concerned with welfare of the group. He can fit into pretty much any situation and while he is rather suave, he still maintains clear manliness - and he's gotta know how to fix some stuff! He looks fresh and well put together at all times. Words that describe my new prototype are dynamic, engaging, charismatic, suave. Here are some shots of the men that are helping me define what it is I want in a man. True enough, I don't really know these guys, but from a distant I like what I see and have perceived them to be. It is helpful in creating the image for the man I want in my life. Obviously I don't want these guys since the fact they are in marriages that seem to work are a part of the formula, the perfect man for me would be some sort of combination of the qualities I see in these guys ... what a man that would be!

The Joys of Being Single

I spent this past weekend in gratitude that I'm single! We were off for Independence Day on Thursday and Friday of last week. Since I'm not sure when my insurance will kick in again, I went to see the dentist on Thursday. I also spent the day taking care of other appointments that I never get to do during the work day. That night I watched JUNO and my little cousin and her boyfriend stopped by (HIGHLY interesting b/c at some points in the conversation, I literally covered my ears yelling TMI - what happened to my sweet little cousin and who replaced her with this grown lady!!!!). On Friday I flew by the seat of my pants. I intentionally made no plans and didn't obligate myself to being anywhere at any particular time - it was great. The day turned out to be cool and fun. On Saturday I slept and watched I AM LEGEND and didn't leave my house until 9:30pm to grab a bite to eat. Sunday I went to the 8:30 church service so I had the entire day to myself. I went to the grocery store, watched a movie (LARS AND THE REAL GIRL), took a nap then cooked myself an amazing dinner. When I got ready to go to bed last night I had to admit, I am ecstatic to be single! I can literally do exactly what I want without considering a partner or a child. When I'm full, the house is fed and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to. I never recognized the freedom in being single quite like I did this weekend. I'm definitely ready to fall in love and get carrie-d away, but I'm grateful for this "me" time alone!