Lately I've been down on love ... for me. I do think love is possible for some people - I'm extremely supportive of my friends' and their quest for love. In the last month two of them got engaged and I was a top cheerleader for them. Another friend celebrated her 5th year anniversary this year, which brought me special joy since I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Love, love, love. It is an amazing thing ... for them.
As amazing as love is and as much as I enjoy celebrating love in the lives of others, I realized or decided rather that I was done with love. I've had a tough last couple of years as it relates to relationships. I did a lot of stuff in an attempt to prepare myself to be in real love. I literally did the work: read books, did heart opening yogic exercises, sought therapy for my issues, read "Calling in the One" and committed to the exercises, went to love workshops at church, got reiki to clear blocks in my heart and of course, prayed that love would find me. And it did. I experienced REAL feelings of love but my love wasn't always reciprocated. It was rejected. It was manipulated. It was shared w/someone in an impossible position to return. In June of this year, I decided I was done. I felt like maybe romantic love wasn't for me. I felt maybe God was trying to teach me that no matter what I was doing, maybe for me this great authentic love story was not meant to be. So I quit. Instead of remaining hopeful that the next one was the one, I gave up. I stopped allowing myself to imagine this "he" I was seeking was just around the corner. I tore up the love affirmations that filled my room. I found my old journals (well the ones I have w/me since my stuff is still in L.A.) and scoffed at myself for being so optimistic. I simply quit expecting, anticipating and even wanting love.
I didn't share this with anyone because I didn't want to be talked out of it. I didn't want to hear the stories of some girl who met Mr. Right at the moment when she was close to giving up. I didn't want to hear about how some guy was out there going through the same things I was and one day he'd be led to me. I didn't want to hear anything about being faithful and believing against all odds I'd find the love of my dreams. I found myself more excited to hang out with folk who were not so excited by love. I changed my dreams of love. I figured out new ways to share my love. I poured it into my work. I sought ways to volunteer and give my love to those less fortunate than I. I decided to give that love to myself. All these things I was going to do w/love but I didn't tell anyone, I just decided for myself.
Last night, I went to dinner with a couple of my friends that I hadn't seen in a while and of course the conversation turned to love. One friend is engaged and the other recently met a new guy. Eventually the convo switched to me and I decided to share my new decision. (I knew this would be a mistake because even before the engaged one was engaged, she was pretty optimistic about love). She took a deep breath before she spoke. She said she understood my frustration but how I simply couldn't give up. In frustration, I responded that it was impossible that it was all of the guys and that the one constant was me. I explained how my decision was my attempt to cut my losses and take responsibility for those failures in love and recognize I was to be alone. She something that really caused me to think. She said, quantity doesn't matter. There is only one the one and eventually he'll find you.
This reminded me of something that was said on CNN's "Black In America 2". This guy wanted to build a school in Conneticut. He said he was told no several times but it only took one yes to get his school started. Once he got the "yes" he was able to get the school of vision off the ground. I responded to that because when it comes to my career, I'm all in. I do not care what I have to go through to achieve my career goals, quitting is not an option. This is because I truly believe and know without a doubt that eventually I'll achieve my goals. What if I held that same belief in love? Can I hold on against hope that I will experience the true, good, reciprocated love I desire? Even though I've experienced such low lows, can I still hang on to the belief that I'll get what I want when it comes to love? Is it possible for me to believe and know that love is coming?
I'm not yet sure that I can, but I sure want to ...