I Don't Know Why I ...

Jay Z has a song ALLURE that made me shed tears the first 10 or so times I heard it. This one line from the chorus broke me down -

"But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back ...

It called me right back ...

man it called me right back ..."

Story of my life - old habits, old memories, old s#@* just keep calling me back.

OH NO.

I am like the little hamster on the wheel running and running but just staying in place. The scenery changes - Baton Rouge changed to Indiana changed to Houston which turned into L.A. Job issues switch - from McKinley Middle to Purdue to VCA and now BEP. Fallouts with friends - well that list is too long. My body changes - I put on weight, lose weight and wobble in between. The look changes - cut my hair, grow it out, weave it up, permed it and rocked a bright red fro. I've pierced my nose, my ears and my stomach - and all the rings fell out. I've changed so much that I have ended up right back where I started.

"IT" (the drama, the insecurities, the pain, the feelings of lack, the guilt, the constant NEED to change) keeps calling me back ... and I keep answering - and I can not for the life of me figure out why ...

And I'm done trying to figure it out.

I'm not a hamster, I'm a human so that gives me some choices in how my life is going to go. I am stepping off the wheel right now ... again. But this time in a different way- no judgement, letting it be what it is; no extreme expectations or attachments to results - no should's/must's/have to's.

Only requirement - enjoying the moment and being grateful at all times (even the times that hurt). I'll be taking more deep breaths and sitting in meditaion a little more (and longer), not "trying" to change, but rather constantly evolving - growing and developing naturally, letting what will be BE. I'm taking a key from catepillars and I'm going to gradually become a butterfly - when it IS time, not when I feel or want or make things happen.

I'm letting go of getting high from the life. I've decided not to answer even though it is SCREAMING for me to come back ...

Let Me Ride

I know I said about a month or so ago that I was practicing surrender. Well, that didn't last very long - I was kindasortawhenitfeelsgoodtome surrending. Now, it is an all out surrender - white flag and everything. I'm spent - there is no more I can do. I do take responsibility for everything I am experiencing. I'm not playing victim, but I can do no more - I'm done. Everything has come to a point where it is clear - CRYSTAL CLEAR - that I am not in control. Right now EVERYTHING requires the Divine ... well it always requires the Divine, I'm ready to acknowledge that. A good friend of mine always that I need to sit back and let God drive. She says that when we ride in a car, we see things that we couldn't see when we were focused on the road. So I'm done- I'm an official passenger. I realized floating was enough, you still have to maintain some sort of control - I release all control, I'm riding!

Let's see where this ship ends up!

No Definition Can Hold Me

When I used to work at Fox Sports, liquor sponsors would always give us cool stuff so we could sell their product. I remember this one TV shirt I got from the Seagram's gin guy. It was so cute - it was baby blue and on the front it said "No Definition Can Hold Me" (although it was a poor marketing tool b/c Seagram's was really small in the back). I loved that shirt and wore it till it was just unwearable.

What is ironic is that now that I'm doing all this spirit work, I'm realizing that there are no definitions that can hold me ... well not only me but mankind. I used to be really big on "describe yourself" or "this is how I see myself". Those labels are nothing more than words - they just can't hold me.

For instance, I've realized that I can be really concerned with my image. There have been times when I was literally worried (like agonizingly worried) about what someone thought of me and said to or about me - I was really into the opinion's of others. The thing is no matter what they said or thought I wouldn't agree - "She thinks I'm nice, she just don't know." "How are y'all going to say I'm dramatic?" "He thinks I'm a bitch, clearly he doesn't know me." The point is these opinions, comments, questions and concerns really don't matter because at the end of the day, these opinions are just that - a belief or judgement with no proof.

I was giving the world WAY too much authority in who I'd be or what I'd do or how I'd react to situations. My definition of myself was coming from these random thoughts that people (including myself at times) held that were just not enough to "define" me - I'm way too big to define. Yes, sometimes I'm silly, nice, accommodating, selfish, lazy, on point, over analytical, too sensitive, not concerned enough, vain, kindhearted, opinionated, bitchy, junky, super anal, loving, emotional, withdrawn, sharing, giving, crazy sexy cool, judgemental ... you get the point. I can be a lot of things at any given time but those qualities are not ME.

There is no person, word or quality that defines - which means to set forth the meaning of or identify the essential qualities of - DaVida. I am simply who I am and that realization has made the last couple of days so much easier to handle. Instead of living up to some definition, I'm simple doing ME - whatever it is at the moment.

My Dick

My favorite reality show is CBS' Big Brother. I do believe Danielle from Season 3 was the best strategic player of all time but Dick was by far the most controversial and entertaining. I recently got to go to the wrap party for this season. It was great and I got to me none other than DICK! I love that guy and I got to tell him! Talk about someone who tells it like it is. In case you don't watch Big Brother, here's a clip BUT be warned, he is not the most tactfult in his approach!

On Point ...

I like to watch televangelist and Joel Osteen is by far my favorite. A friend from high school sends me his "daily word" and today's was so on point for me I decided to share. I've been so eager to just step out and get this greater and better next level, that I haven't always been so willing to improve my skills in the right now. I have been praying on what I need to do to better my career and this message from Joel reminds me to continue on my path, gathering more and more skills daily. I know that I'm constantly growing and evolving and today I'm glad about it!

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Too often times, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut in life, doing the same thing the same way. But if we are going to live at our best, we should constantly be growing and sharpening our skills. We should strive to learn and grow every single day; because when you stop learning, you stop growing, and when you stop growing, you stop living. What are you doing to stretch yourself? What are you doing to improve your skills? Don’t get trapped into thinking that “good enough” is good enough. You are created for more than just average. Today is a new day and there are new heights for you to climb. Pursue what you love, and keep developing that area of your life. Take a class or find a mentor that will help you live skillfully. As you do, you’ll rise up higher and higher. You will stand before kings and rulers and you’ll live the blessed life He has in store for you.
A Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me the ability to grow and increase in every area of my life. Show me ways to improve my skills so that I can honor You in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Practice Makes It Right

I have never played on an athletic team. I was a cheerleading for the Pop Warner team as a young kid but I don't remember us having any consistent practices - I was like 7 or so the commitment could not have been very much. I do remember having to go to practice/rehearsal for the church choir but that may have been once a month in preparation for the youth choir day. I did participate on the dance team in high school which was strenuous practice but after one football season I knew that was NOT for me. My point is I recently realized that I've never been involved in things that required consistent practice.

This realization came because I'm taking a class at Agape and this week we are required to "practice" our spirituality. I have to consistently pray and meditate, read, study, journal and do affirmations. I have assignments that are supposed to help me become more proficient at just "being" spiritual. This is great because in the past I've had issues "sticking" to programs and plans - this is a big one because unlike dance team or working out, I LIKE learning about spirit.

So as far as reading we have to read from our class materials as well as daily reading from a spiritual book - we are allowed to choose so I picked the Bible. I grew up on the Bible - this time I decided to read Biblical stories of people I can relate to today (My personal task/quest is to find use the people's stories from so long to find inspiration for today ... which I guess is a big purpose of the Bible). Lately I've been having issues with patience in my career I thought it would be ideal to start with Joseph. Now I grew up on the Super Book cartoons (you know the one where the kids could travel through time and "live" the Bible stories- don't remember? see the clip) and of course I saw Disney's Joseph King of Dreams, so I know about Joseph and his drama. I was hoping to find that I could relate more now and I was excited to find out that I did!

I picked the Bible last night and was totally when my subject finder said that Joseph's story of being sold was in Gen 37- this is a prime example of synchronicity because 37 is probably my favorite number. As I read I realized I have no need to worry about if I'll ever achieve the success I've dreamed of for so long. Like Joseph, my vision of being a success was implanted in me from a very young age. Also like Joseph, I tried to share with my peers but they didn't get it. That made me doubt my vision, maybe I was off or maybe I misinterpreted the dream. Like Joseph I feel like I got off my path - how could I become great if I'm an intern or an assistant? Well Joseph was a slave, a prisoner and a servant but God's will is God's will and one day he was appointed to the most high position of his time. His vision was fulfilled and got to see himself become the man he dreamed himself to be as a boy.

WOW! I was blown away and I felt so encouraged. I have always been very excited about the future but now I'm able to see the good in the present moment - the RIGHT NOW. This has been an issue in the past because I feared that I had gotten off track so many times that there was simply no hope. I'm learning to see that no matter what appears to be thrown my way right now, God has not forgotten the vision he gave to me so long ago - it was up to me to just remember!

On May 7, I'll celebrate my one year anniversary at Brillstein Entertainment Partners. Last week this fact upset me so much - I could not believe that a whole year had passed and I was no where near getting on the top 35 under 35 list let alone the top 100 Women in Entertainment list AND not to mention the fact I'm still not exactly sure the one thing I'm supposed to do to be successful. I was scared and felt I had wasted a whole year - actually the past 5 years because I was doubting the plan to go to law school and move here. Now I'm convinced I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I recognize how much I have to be grateful for. I am learning the business I love and my skill set is growing everyday. I'm learning how to be like Joseph and use each opportunity as an opportunity for growth and future promotion BUT most of all to show my gratitude to God every step of the way!

I think it is working - I feel better by the moment!

Congrats Diddy ...

1996 was a big year for my personal development. I was coming into my own. 1996 was the year I delivered the infamous "Keep It Real" speech during the Miss Southern pageant. 1996 was the year I decided I'd pledge and 1996 was the year I knew without a doubt there was a place for me in Hollywood. The soundtrack for the year was comprised by all hits from the Bad Boy camp, founded by none other than my idol at the time, Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs.

Back in '96, you could not speak ill of Diddy in my presence. In my mind, I was so on the track to become "the Puff of the film world." I had a vision that was soooooooo big and sooooooo clear and mostly inspired by the career of this man. He was my idol - I read all things Diddy - LOL! And the internet wasn't like it is now so it required much research, time and energy. I was a true stalker of all things Puff. I didn't have the music background like he did, but I felt it didn't matter. The one thing that Puff inspired in me was the importance of determination, swagger and a mouthpiece. While his talent was impressive, it was/is his heart that makes me crunk about him. That is what makes me feel like I can make it - I may not be the most talented but I've got the MOST heart!!! I upped my game. I found my chutzpah. I was READY to take on this thing called entertainment because my boy Puff had. I felt that the simple fact that Puff had gone to Howard (an HBCU) and I was at Southern (another HBCU), it could happen. I had no care about the fact that I was so far away from L.A. or NYC - I had the heart.

Time has passed but my loyalty to Diddy has not wained. I still have so much respect for him - I mean he is freaking Diddy, how could I not?!?! I have always had some sort of connection to him. I'm guessing that my friend Mistie would say it is because of the Scorpio energy ... don't trip, on astrology she knows of what she speaks. Even though my sun sign is technically Cancer (I'm on cusp of Leo w/tons of Leo energy), my north node and ascedant are in Scorpio. In short (from my not so into the inner workings of astrology explanation) that means that my soul desires to go into Scorpio this lifetime and that the world sees me as a Scorpio. Diddy is a Scorpio and check this - Diana Ross, Jackie Kennedy Onasis and Prince are all Scorpio rising - do we see a pattern here!?!?!

Anyway, back to Diddy - today he receives his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I am extremely excited to see what the next phase in my idol's career will be. But no matter what he does from here on out, I'll never forget the how he shaped my '90's. Here's a reminder of why I'll be BAD BOY FOR LIFE!!!!!!