The Little Things

I have something. It is either a cold or allergies, I don't know what it is, but because of it, I remember how much I enjoy breathing. It is a simple thing that I forget because it is so automatic but now that I can't breathe through my nose, I miss it so much. Especially when I am sleeping - the waking up in the middle of the night because I can't breathe sucks. And as much as I hate to type this, I like mucous - well I like when the mucous flows instead of staying stuck in my head causing me to be congested. Remembering how something as simple as breathing brings me joy reminded me of some other things that I had forgotten I enjoy and have been lucky enough to experience lately ...

- Talking on the phone for hours with someone who understands me

- Playing catch with a cat (Ziggy really does kick the ball back to me)

- Reading fiction for pleasure (TWILIGHT is amazing)

- Playing make believe with friends

- Being in like

- Moving and being as if everything is alright right now

- Doing art projects even though I'm the only person who views it as art

- Creating characters in my own stories

- Going to the park and beach

- Lying in bed with friends watching TV

- Being excited about season finales

- Dancing until the sun comes up

- Having something to believe in

Hot Girl No More

For some time I've proclaimed myself a hot girl. A hot girl is hard to describe but think women like Samantha Jones. I admire the freedom and independence that being a hot girl has to offer. No worrying about some dude and if he's going to see that I'm good enough to settle down with - when you are a hot girl who cares what he thinks or wants. It doesn't matter because it is all in fun right?

My main issue or the flawed part of being a hot girl in this manner for me is that I tend to develop very strong feelings and I can be quite emotional. That does not fit into a hot girls' lifestyle. Hot girls "go hard" and just let things be. They are cool under pressure and don't let things, especially men, "really get to them". Hot girls have hard shells and don't let people get in. At the end of the day, they don't put out much or allow their total self shine through because they don't want some man to have that power over them. They want to feel free and not tied down to someone else's idea of who they "should" be. They don't want to be judged or held back. They want to do their own thing in their career, social life and other endeavors. Hot girls want to be in total control.

Even the fictional prototype for my hot girlness has faced this dilemma. Remember when she fell for Richard? Once you let your guard down, you are screwed - so you gotta stay hard. But sometimes when being "hard" that one finds you and you have no choice but to break down and put your hot girlness aside (like when she met Smith).

Sometimes you meet people that can change your perspective and give you hope that there is something better out there than the life you have lived to this point. It is very challenging for me because I am so used to doing things MY way. I established these ways to protect myself so the idea of releasing them seems hard. I'm not sure what is going on but for the first time since I vowed to be the last hot girl standing (the rest of 'em got married or engaged and settled down over the last few years), I see the value in being with just one person. I like the feeling of being involved in something a little more substantial. I now feel like getting into a relationship doesn't have to make me less anything. The whole notion doesn't seem as whack as it did before.

I admit, it was a man that changed my mind. Don't know for sure if he is THE man, but I'm not even attached to if he is or isn't - that's not the point. I'm more concerned with the lesson he was meant to bring. The point is that I remembered what I really want - the hot girlness is not my true desire - it is what I developed because I couldn't find and wasn't getting what I really wanted. At my very core, I want something real and substantial but because I didn't get that I decided to say F it and do my thing. I was being dishonest with myself and the men I knew - probably because I was confused and trying to possess them.

I take responsibility for my hot girlness and my past failures in relationships. I forgive myself for not being honest about what I truly wanted. I free myself to receive what it is that I really want. I no longer term myself a hot girl - like with other labels, I let it go (No Definition Can Hold Me). I am not putting everything on this one man, and I have no desire to possess him. I am, however, truly grateful that he reminded me of what it is I truly want.

Coffee Is Bad

I came into work this morning feeling like a cup of coffee. I don't recall the last time I had a cup of coffee - it is not my favorite but I do partake every now and then. For some reason today, I felt like a nice hot cup. And it was really tasty. Around 2 I was cold and not really that hungry, so I decided to have another cup (the first was so good!). Well, now I remember why I don't like coffee. I feel high ... well actually I feel like how it feels when the high wears off. I feel blah, irritable and jittery. An hour ago I was a ball of energy - even though I work at a desk so the bouncing and movement was not "normal". Then paranoia set in - does everyone notice I feel strange? I know for a fact what I put into my body today and this coffee (legal substance, people partake daily, a coffee shop or two on every corner) is DEFINITELY affecting me like a drug! And not a good one. I'm done with caffeine in the workplace - it is NOT appropriate! I can not fathom how kids perform in high school after starting their day w/a iced cafe mocha anything from Starbucks or those other "pushers"!

My Name is DaVida ... And I Am A Hoarder

Don't trip - I said HOARDER not WHORE! LOL!

I have come to realize that I can hoard. Definitions.com says to hoard is to keep hidden or private. I am guilty of that. With material items such as clothes or jewelry, I'll be really pressed to get some "thing". I'll talk about it. I'll watch it at the store. I'll look at online. And when I'm finally able to attain or possess it, I put it away until some "good" event comes along so I can wear it. But what ends up happening is that it will sit in my closet for months because nothing I deem "worthy" enough will come along. I've gotten the emails about the woman who died and her husband found tons of lingerie she had been saving and never wore - I get that but I find myself saying things like "but I'm on a budget, so I've got to save this because I won't be able to get anything new later".

When it comes to my look, I have not been putting time or effort there either. This has been a long term issue.I grew up learning that when you are pretty you don't have to try hard because you'll still be pretty regardless. I was also taught that if you dress up or do your self up everyday when a special event or occasion comes along no one will notice you because you look like that everyday. And so it began. I'd look BANGING for events, parties, etc. but catch me on a "regular" day, you might find me looking a mess. In high school, my ponytail was never sleek - they still tease me about how my edges would be wild and crazy. A friend told me an observation recently - she said that she was really vain and that she wishes she could be like me and just not care when she went out; she remarked how I go to work everyday early/on time with my hair and clothes any kind of way. I know she meant in love but my ego thought what a beyotch! LOL! Ego has a way of ignoring the truth and moving on, so I kept it moving NOT combing my hair to "show her". Luckily, the goodness of God always finds a way to get through to us. He let another friend say similar things in a way and at a time where my ego was not so "crunk". This friend suggested I maintain my look. She suggested just doing the things I could do on my own to extend the services I get done (ie - if I can only afford to get my hair done once every couple of months, commit to doing it myself). Initially there was resistance to what she said (I CAN NOT DO HAIR!), but after a minute, it sunk in and made sense.

Since there is a unique oneness in life, I realized this hoarding occurs in many areas of my life. I've discovered that I've been hoarding my talent. I'll come up with some creative idea and shelf it because now is not the right time or I'm not in a good space to do whatever it is right now. These are excuses and false beliefs that I'm feeling my head with for no other reason than I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll put a lot of work into something and it will be rejected and no one will "get" it. I also deny what I really want to do because I'm afraid. I let myself get off track because if I were REALLY to step up, I'd have to prove I am as good as I say I am and that is scary for some reason.

I've decided I'm ready to get help for my addiction to being a hoarder. I'm going to push myself to be my true self - someone who enjoys dressing up , looking nice and going after their creative stuff. I'm going to stop bothering my friends to do their thing (ie sing, dance, act, write in magazines) and put that energy on reaching my own goals. And the Universe is responding already. I answered an ad on craigslist for a woman who needed a hair model for her "audition" to work at a salon I've been dying to go to but had said I could not afford it (even though I never even looked into the prices). She was FABOULOUS and I have a haircut/color I absolutely love.

I've gotten bomb hair before but yesterday as I sat their looking at myself, I recognized the difference now is that I see the beauty within and I want to share that. I don't want to hoard or save it for a "good" event - EVERYDAY is a "good" event and I am ready to embrace that.

BUT remember I'm recovering - so be patient with a sista!

I Ran MY Race

Athletes are people I respect - the discipline, the training, the great bodies - yep, I like how athletes operate. I have always wanted to run - like Flo Jo run - but I've always thought I wasn't ready. I WAS though! I ran the REVLON Run/Walk on May 10! It was amazing. I didn't end up running the entire time, but I made it. I finished in a little over 45 minutes. I felt/feel great about it! I feel a sense of accomplishment and I raised money for women's cancers! AND I got to do it with an old friend and found some new common ground. I am so appreciative I got to run my race!

That Boy Is Good

As a senior in high school, I remember being very "interested" in sex. I had a steady boyfriend and we'd "play" and stuff but I wanted to "do it" like people talked about in songs. Then this artist hit the scene with his song, CAN U GET WIT IT. It was on - I liked young Usher Raymond b/c he was feeling what I was! LOL! I became more of a fan as time went on because we got to see a TRUE entertainer in Usher - not only could he sing lyrics that made this girl wanna get with it, but he could REALLY dance. Album after album, single after single, hot video after hot video, Usher kept me intrigued. Today he is still doing it. He manages to stay relevant and always delivers the hotness. I just watched last night's SNL and his performance was as they always are - HOT. ENJOY ...

I Don't Know Why I ...

Jay Z has a song ALLURE that made me shed tears the first 10 or so times I heard it. This one line from the chorus broke me down -

"But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back ...

It called me right back ...

man it called me right back ..."

Story of my life - old habits, old memories, old s#@* just keep calling me back.

OH NO.

I am like the little hamster on the wheel running and running but just staying in place. The scenery changes - Baton Rouge changed to Indiana changed to Houston which turned into L.A. Job issues switch - from McKinley Middle to Purdue to VCA and now BEP. Fallouts with friends - well that list is too long. My body changes - I put on weight, lose weight and wobble in between. The look changes - cut my hair, grow it out, weave it up, permed it and rocked a bright red fro. I've pierced my nose, my ears and my stomach - and all the rings fell out. I've changed so much that I have ended up right back where I started.

"IT" (the drama, the insecurities, the pain, the feelings of lack, the guilt, the constant NEED to change) keeps calling me back ... and I keep answering - and I can not for the life of me figure out why ...

And I'm done trying to figure it out.

I'm not a hamster, I'm a human so that gives me some choices in how my life is going to go. I am stepping off the wheel right now ... again. But this time in a different way- no judgement, letting it be what it is; no extreme expectations or attachments to results - no should's/must's/have to's.

Only requirement - enjoying the moment and being grateful at all times (even the times that hurt). I'll be taking more deep breaths and sitting in meditaion a little more (and longer), not "trying" to change, but rather constantly evolving - growing and developing naturally, letting what will be BE. I'm taking a key from catepillars and I'm going to gradually become a butterfly - when it IS time, not when I feel or want or make things happen.

I'm letting go of getting high from the life. I've decided not to answer even though it is SCREAMING for me to come back ...

Let Me Ride

I know I said about a month or so ago that I was practicing surrender. Well, that didn't last very long - I was kindasortawhenitfeelsgoodtome surrending. Now, it is an all out surrender - white flag and everything. I'm spent - there is no more I can do. I do take responsibility for everything I am experiencing. I'm not playing victim, but I can do no more - I'm done. Everything has come to a point where it is clear - CRYSTAL CLEAR - that I am not in control. Right now EVERYTHING requires the Divine ... well it always requires the Divine, I'm ready to acknowledge that. A good friend of mine always that I need to sit back and let God drive. She says that when we ride in a car, we see things that we couldn't see when we were focused on the road. So I'm done- I'm an official passenger. I realized floating was enough, you still have to maintain some sort of control - I release all control, I'm riding!

Let's see where this ship ends up!

No Definition Can Hold Me

When I used to work at Fox Sports, liquor sponsors would always give us cool stuff so we could sell their product. I remember this one TV shirt I got from the Seagram's gin guy. It was so cute - it was baby blue and on the front it said "No Definition Can Hold Me" (although it was a poor marketing tool b/c Seagram's was really small in the back). I loved that shirt and wore it till it was just unwearable.

What is ironic is that now that I'm doing all this spirit work, I'm realizing that there are no definitions that can hold me ... well not only me but mankind. I used to be really big on "describe yourself" or "this is how I see myself". Those labels are nothing more than words - they just can't hold me.

For instance, I've realized that I can be really concerned with my image. There have been times when I was literally worried (like agonizingly worried) about what someone thought of me and said to or about me - I was really into the opinion's of others. The thing is no matter what they said or thought I wouldn't agree - "She thinks I'm nice, she just don't know." "How are y'all going to say I'm dramatic?" "He thinks I'm a bitch, clearly he doesn't know me." The point is these opinions, comments, questions and concerns really don't matter because at the end of the day, these opinions are just that - a belief or judgement with no proof.

I was giving the world WAY too much authority in who I'd be or what I'd do or how I'd react to situations. My definition of myself was coming from these random thoughts that people (including myself at times) held that were just not enough to "define" me - I'm way too big to define. Yes, sometimes I'm silly, nice, accommodating, selfish, lazy, on point, over analytical, too sensitive, not concerned enough, vain, kindhearted, opinionated, bitchy, junky, super anal, loving, emotional, withdrawn, sharing, giving, crazy sexy cool, judgemental ... you get the point. I can be a lot of things at any given time but those qualities are not ME.

There is no person, word or quality that defines - which means to set forth the meaning of or identify the essential qualities of - DaVida. I am simply who I am and that realization has made the last couple of days so much easier to handle. Instead of living up to some definition, I'm simple doing ME - whatever it is at the moment.

My Dick

My favorite reality show is CBS' Big Brother. I do believe Danielle from Season 3 was the best strategic player of all time but Dick was by far the most controversial and entertaining. I recently got to go to the wrap party for this season. It was great and I got to me none other than DICK! I love that guy and I got to tell him! Talk about someone who tells it like it is. In case you don't watch Big Brother, here's a clip BUT be warned, he is not the most tactfult in his approach!

On Point ...

I like to watch televangelist and Joel Osteen is by far my favorite. A friend from high school sends me his "daily word" and today's was so on point for me I decided to share. I've been so eager to just step out and get this greater and better next level, that I haven't always been so willing to improve my skills in the right now. I have been praying on what I need to do to better my career and this message from Joel reminds me to continue on my path, gathering more and more skills daily. I know that I'm constantly growing and evolving and today I'm glad about it!

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Too often times, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut in life, doing the same thing the same way. But if we are going to live at our best, we should constantly be growing and sharpening our skills. We should strive to learn and grow every single day; because when you stop learning, you stop growing, and when you stop growing, you stop living. What are you doing to stretch yourself? What are you doing to improve your skills? Don’t get trapped into thinking that “good enough” is good enough. You are created for more than just average. Today is a new day and there are new heights for you to climb. Pursue what you love, and keep developing that area of your life. Take a class or find a mentor that will help you live skillfully. As you do, you’ll rise up higher and higher. You will stand before kings and rulers and you’ll live the blessed life He has in store for you.
A Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me the ability to grow and increase in every area of my life. Show me ways to improve my skills so that I can honor You in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Practice Makes It Right

I have never played on an athletic team. I was a cheerleading for the Pop Warner team as a young kid but I don't remember us having any consistent practices - I was like 7 or so the commitment could not have been very much. I do remember having to go to practice/rehearsal for the church choir but that may have been once a month in preparation for the youth choir day. I did participate on the dance team in high school which was strenuous practice but after one football season I knew that was NOT for me. My point is I recently realized that I've never been involved in things that required consistent practice.

This realization came because I'm taking a class at Agape and this week we are required to "practice" our spirituality. I have to consistently pray and meditate, read, study, journal and do affirmations. I have assignments that are supposed to help me become more proficient at just "being" spiritual. This is great because in the past I've had issues "sticking" to programs and plans - this is a big one because unlike dance team or working out, I LIKE learning about spirit.

So as far as reading we have to read from our class materials as well as daily reading from a spiritual book - we are allowed to choose so I picked the Bible. I grew up on the Bible - this time I decided to read Biblical stories of people I can relate to today (My personal task/quest is to find use the people's stories from so long to find inspiration for today ... which I guess is a big purpose of the Bible). Lately I've been having issues with patience in my career I thought it would be ideal to start with Joseph. Now I grew up on the Super Book cartoons (you know the one where the kids could travel through time and "live" the Bible stories- don't remember? see the clip) and of course I saw Disney's Joseph King of Dreams, so I know about Joseph and his drama. I was hoping to find that I could relate more now and I was excited to find out that I did!

I picked the Bible last night and was totally when my subject finder said that Joseph's story of being sold was in Gen 37- this is a prime example of synchronicity because 37 is probably my favorite number. As I read I realized I have no need to worry about if I'll ever achieve the success I've dreamed of for so long. Like Joseph, my vision of being a success was implanted in me from a very young age. Also like Joseph, I tried to share with my peers but they didn't get it. That made me doubt my vision, maybe I was off or maybe I misinterpreted the dream. Like Joseph I feel like I got off my path - how could I become great if I'm an intern or an assistant? Well Joseph was a slave, a prisoner and a servant but God's will is God's will and one day he was appointed to the most high position of his time. His vision was fulfilled and got to see himself become the man he dreamed himself to be as a boy.

WOW! I was blown away and I felt so encouraged. I have always been very excited about the future but now I'm able to see the good in the present moment - the RIGHT NOW. This has been an issue in the past because I feared that I had gotten off track so many times that there was simply no hope. I'm learning to see that no matter what appears to be thrown my way right now, God has not forgotten the vision he gave to me so long ago - it was up to me to just remember!

On May 7, I'll celebrate my one year anniversary at Brillstein Entertainment Partners. Last week this fact upset me so much - I could not believe that a whole year had passed and I was no where near getting on the top 35 under 35 list let alone the top 100 Women in Entertainment list AND not to mention the fact I'm still not exactly sure the one thing I'm supposed to do to be successful. I was scared and felt I had wasted a whole year - actually the past 5 years because I was doubting the plan to go to law school and move here. Now I'm convinced I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I recognize how much I have to be grateful for. I am learning the business I love and my skill set is growing everyday. I'm learning how to be like Joseph and use each opportunity as an opportunity for growth and future promotion BUT most of all to show my gratitude to God every step of the way!

I think it is working - I feel better by the moment!

Congrats Diddy ...

1996 was a big year for my personal development. I was coming into my own. 1996 was the year I delivered the infamous "Keep It Real" speech during the Miss Southern pageant. 1996 was the year I decided I'd pledge and 1996 was the year I knew without a doubt there was a place for me in Hollywood. The soundtrack for the year was comprised by all hits from the Bad Boy camp, founded by none other than my idol at the time, Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs.

Back in '96, you could not speak ill of Diddy in my presence. In my mind, I was so on the track to become "the Puff of the film world." I had a vision that was soooooooo big and sooooooo clear and mostly inspired by the career of this man. He was my idol - I read all things Diddy - LOL! And the internet wasn't like it is now so it required much research, time and energy. I was a true stalker of all things Puff. I didn't have the music background like he did, but I felt it didn't matter. The one thing that Puff inspired in me was the importance of determination, swagger and a mouthpiece. While his talent was impressive, it was/is his heart that makes me crunk about him. That is what makes me feel like I can make it - I may not be the most talented but I've got the MOST heart!!! I upped my game. I found my chutzpah. I was READY to take on this thing called entertainment because my boy Puff had. I felt that the simple fact that Puff had gone to Howard (an HBCU) and I was at Southern (another HBCU), it could happen. I had no care about the fact that I was so far away from L.A. or NYC - I had the heart.

Time has passed but my loyalty to Diddy has not wained. I still have so much respect for him - I mean he is freaking Diddy, how could I not?!?! I have always had some sort of connection to him. I'm guessing that my friend Mistie would say it is because of the Scorpio energy ... don't trip, on astrology she knows of what she speaks. Even though my sun sign is technically Cancer (I'm on cusp of Leo w/tons of Leo energy), my north node and ascedant are in Scorpio. In short (from my not so into the inner workings of astrology explanation) that means that my soul desires to go into Scorpio this lifetime and that the world sees me as a Scorpio. Diddy is a Scorpio and check this - Diana Ross, Jackie Kennedy Onasis and Prince are all Scorpio rising - do we see a pattern here!?!?!

Anyway, back to Diddy - today he receives his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I am extremely excited to see what the next phase in my idol's career will be. But no matter what he does from here on out, I'll never forget the how he shaped my '90's. Here's a reminder of why I'll be BAD BOY FOR LIFE!!!!!!