Breakthrough or Breakdown?

I love my blog - here I can be me 100 percent. I can be scared or nervous and have no shame or guilt about it. I can be hopeful and overly optimistic in the face of all sorts of drama. I can be a silly girl or an intellectual woman - here I can be me to the 1,00oth degree. I can go on and on and let it all out ...

Today it is hard being me. I don't talk much about my family well I don't talk much about spending time with my family. In fact, it is very similar with my folks and my friends. I love them DEARLY but don't always feel the need to be with them ... which is why living so far away from home is usually perfect. I'm feeling it now though - the being apart. First off I haven't seen my Granny since Sept and when I did, it was for my mom's 50th so it was her weekend and I didn't have time to just sit with the female love of my life. I didn't make it home for Christmas last year (first time in forever) so it has been rough. Today that feeling of longing to be with her is overwhelming ... my little cousin Gloria is fighting for her life. And I'm fighting for the awareness of the presence of God in everything that is going on. And I've never been one who heads confidently into a fight ...

Everything seems kind of f*&ked right now. I'm trying to stay positive. It is very difficult. I switched jobs about 3 weeks ago and it has been a bit much - my pay isn't exactly what I was promised when coming over. The good news is I'm an independent contractor so my check on tomorrow will be more than my old gig (BUT no taxes are taken out so I have to pay come tax time). The bad news is I have no security. Everyday I come to work unsure of if I have a work to come to. I don't do well with that ... As important as prestigious companies are to me, I turned down the shot to work at WMA b/c they wanted me to start as a floater. I like stability in terms of working. So obviously I don't have any vacation days and now I need to go home. Gloria took a horrible turn last night ... while the bone marrow tests show there is no more cancer, her weakened body is having issues. She has pneumonia and after coding three times in the last 24 hours, she's on a respirator. DAYUM. She has a son, her birthday is later this month and on Sunday her mom told me Gloria is so mad that she has no desire to pray. Today everyone went home.

I want to go home Friday but I'm stuck here for now. Of course plane tickets are STUPID expensive (well leaving with less than 7 days notice is always an issue). Luckily, I'm blessed with great friends so someone will get me one. BUT because I can't miss work (in addition to it being unstable, it is a "trial" period and my attendance is pretty mandatory - I'm in pseudo competition with another person they hired at the same time) and if I go home this weekend and need to stay past Monday, I probably won't have a job to come back to. The other thing is I live check to check and with this new job I obviously don't have vacation time accrued so if I don't work, I don't eat (or pay bills, etc.). Because of the way it all went down I want to just say fuck it and hop in my car I can't pay for and head south. Is this just another clear example that going south may be a better situation for me? But I can't just up and do that - I have responsibilities here - gotta pay my rent and can't dip out in the middle of the night (I have a roommate what kind of crap would that be?). My family doesn't want me to do anything right now - I know they mean well when they say they want me to wait in case the unspeakable happens but they don't get it ...

I have dealt well with death - I grew up in a funeral home so it kind of comes with the territory. Also, I have always believed that the "afterlife" was something better than the present - for some time after physical death, I believe you get to go back and really be with God - know him, know the true you (but that is my belief). But I still carry the guilt of two deaths with me everyday that I didn't deal so well with. 1. My Godmother - she did EVERYTHING for me, literally giving me all that I desired (one day I figured out I could sew, she got me a sewing machine that I never even put thread into; I love to type, bought me a typewriter; love to cook, my own little play kitchen). She was sick and had been released from the hospital, and I was supposed to go over and see her. I was riding with my aunt and had to drop off my graduation invites so it made sense. My aunt was experiencing her own hell in drug addiction so said if we could just put it in the mailbox, I wouldn't have to go inside and she'd let me use her car all day if I dropped her off with her "friends". So I didn't go in. I was old enough to know better but I chose to not go in ... Two days later she died. I knew she had just gotten out of the hospital but I didn't take the 15 minutes to go in and say hello. 2. During Thanksgiving the year after I graduated my Louisiana family went to Houston to celebrate with my mom and aunt in Houston. I couldn't go because I had to work the Friday after Thanksgiving at my parttime job (mandatory). That Friday morning my Granny called and said they came home because my one uncle (not great uncle or play uncle or uncle in law, but my one real brother of my mother) was really sick and they had to bring him home. He had been battling his own personal hell for some time and was sometimes difficult to be around. She asked if I'd come to Plaquemine when I got off work. I said if I got off in time ... I actually got off very early but opted to go to dinner with my roommate and go to bed early. My cell starting ringing about 2am. They had to rush him to New Orleans to the Veterans Hospital. The next day he died ... I just didn't feel like being bothered so I didn't go to Plaquemine that night ... I didn't think he was that sick, he was barely 40. I just didn't go.

As "good" as I am, there is a part of me that becomes quite reclusive and just doesn't want to be bothered sometimes ... how selfish is that shit? I talk a lot about feeling all alone but in reality it is likely because I don't always truly give of myself. I hold that shit in because in all honesty, I don't think people really care to hear about it. I rather keep my shit to myself ... and honestly, I like it when people keep their shit to themselves. I've been called shallow, I'm not - in fact, I'm rather deep with my own stuff, just not always the biggest share-er.

So because all of this crap is on my mind, I find it hard to sleep ... I listen to my IPod at night to try and let the word of God seep into my brain. Joel Osteen was talking the other night to me - he was speaking of how when we are just really going through it, it is because we are about to experience a breakthrough. He spoke of Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo - how when they were in the fire, they were not burned and the spirit of the living God was with them. Joel said what I've heard many times before, that when we feel the pressure and the heat, don't even consider the burn because God is going to be right there "in it" with us. I know that I know this is the truth. I know that God is always there.

What I don't know if this is the point of the breakthrough or my breakdown ... I literally do not know how much more I can bear.

That's why I love my blog. I just let go of some stuff that has been on my heart and in my mind and hopefully by putting it out there, making myself aware of what is really happening can allow me to focus on the truth. And the truth is God is ALWAYS there. In the true Reality, I'm always protected, provided for and loved my the most high - I just need to re-remind myself of that truth all the time.

EVEN NOW ...