Ahhhh, Miami ...

She's BACK ...

There is something that happens to me in Miami. My very first trip there I flew into Hurricane Katrina and partied so hard that I knew and realized the fact that I should leave my going nowhere job at La Louisianne and really pursue what I came to L.A. to accomplish. The second time I went for my 30th birthday and realized without a doubt that I was loved by my peers and they really enjoyed my company. This time, the trip provided much insight and a sense of calm has appeared in my life.

First thing: I make a very good first impression and people are constantly showing up in my world to help me. My boss is from Miami and a while ago his friend came into the office. I jokingly said that I love Miami and when I was in town I'd give him a call. He assured me whenever I came he'd let me stay in a condo by the beach. About 2 days before my trip, his assistant emailed me the details of my stay (of course I was panicking b/c I didn't know that he'd come through). I stayed at an ocean front condo in Hallendale Beach ... FOR FREE! The place was extraordinarily nice and was the perfect setting for my trip to relieve my funk. It was so clear to me that God truly places us in the right places at the right times to meet those people who will align to help us. I often doubt that I am a recognized as a "good" person - this experience reminded me that I am - ESPECIALLY when I am not trying to be!

Second thing: Friends are exactly what is needed in times of funk. Everyone in my world contributes to my mental health. I am so blessed to have a "crew" in crazy LaLa land (L.A. can be so lonely - how lucky am I to have so many people I can count on in this crazy, crazy town?). Although I am good here, I sometimes long for people and things of my past. Indiana was the strangest time of my life. That is where I discovered I was a hot girl and that discovery was urged, helped along and sometimes coaxed by my dear Sista Smith. I hadn't seen Karla since October 2006 for her wedding - luckily she married a guy from Florida and they were in town visiting her in-laws. We got to go to lunch on Sunday and that was good for my nerves. Yes, we email, phone and text all the time, but there was something to be said for seeing her and sitting next to her for just a small period of time. I also got to see my friend Kacy from law school (we hang quite a bit) and my true rockstar friends from college (who I won't disclose their names - they are not into internet sharing LOL!). It was good times for all - even though I only went to the club one night (BY CHOICE!).

Third: I am not in control and I don't have to struggle so hard to be. I realized on Sunday morning as the ocean breeze began to talk to me that I am not the boss of the world. I have been trying all year to be "perfect". (I stopped eating beef and pork, went to see a shaman, enrolled in a class at church and began to volunteer, signed up for Oprah's NEW EARTH class, got into yoga, found a new astrologer, tried to stop drinking and the list goes on.) I wanted to handle work perfectly - trying so hard to do everything right so that I can get some praise from my boss and co-workers. Trying to be the "perfect" roommate so that I could make up for taking the wrong bottle of wine back in January EVEN THOUGH simply replacing the bottle would be a better idea. Trying to be the "perfect" family member - agreeing to christen my cousin's baby and reaching out to my dad and step sister. Trying to be the "perfect" networker, only spending time with people and at events that would help my career. In the pursuit of all this perfection, I forgot and lost site of just being ME - whoever I am in the moment as opposed to who or what I desired to be at some later time. As I was reading THE NEW EARTH on the beach simply breathing, the truth spoke to me so loudly and so clearly that I felt somehow different. For the first time I can remember, the only thing that mattered was that moment and I didn't have to BE or DO anything - I was everything I needed to be. My mind began to replay all types of instances where I had NO hope (i.e. being close to not graduating college over French II; deciding to let my apartment go in Indiana before I was really ready to move; wrecking my car before going to law school; not having enough money for whatever the huge need at the moment was; etc, etc, etc). I remembered very clearly that everything just somehow worked out for the good. I realized that this funk was just another example of a "cloudy" situation and that the sun was coming again.

Fourth: When I hit those "rock bottom" moments before, things only got better when I literally let go. I would do as much as I possibly could and when I got to the point I just couldn't do anything, I just stopped doing anything. It is time to stop ... just stop and let it all be. I am done fighting, it is time to float. I'm ready to float - go with the flow and watch what happens. I'm going to do this one simply step at a time. I guess the first step is getting into the water. I'll return to the real world (water) tomorrow.

Hiatus officially over.

What Is My Problem ...

I've been in such a FUNK lately. I have been staying up late (I'm generally not up past 10:30/11 during the week) and getting up way early (not moving or doing anything productive, just laying there). I'm not content. I'm not at ease. I don't have peace. So what's my problem? I don't even know - I can't yet call it. To deal with my issues, I'm going to say F*&# it and go on vacation tomorrow. I need a break from the regular and the real. I need to just go be near some water and see if I can find some ease for my soul. I'm going to Miami to get away from my thoughts and just take some time to do me.

Let's hope it helps with this funk!

Good Bye Dear Shades

I can be somewhat cheap when it comes to purchasing expensive items - especially acessories. I can't count how many times I've gone into the store to purchase a Louis Vuitton bag and left because I couldn't bear the idea of spending that much for a purse. Or how I don't even look at Christian Louboutin's in the store because I know I can't afford it. About two years ago I put that all aside when I tried on a pair of Gucci shades at the urging of a store attendant. She was so right - they were literally amazing on my face. I HAD to have 'em.

They broke the other day. I was like no sweat, I can get the screw replaced. I went to Lens Crafters at lunch and after 10 minutes, I found out that it is impossible to fix. ARGH!!!!!!!! I'm so saddened by my loss. I mean for that type of money, I'd expect them to last for like five years or something (yes, in addition to my cheapness I keep stuff forever because it should just last darn it!). So as I search for an affordable replacement so I don't go blind in the Miami sun this weekend, I mourn the loss of my glasses. We've had some good times !!!

Work is Good

I LOVE work - I like having the responsibilities that having a job bring. I like having somewhere to be everyday at a certain time and I like that if I'm away somehow the workplace will suffer a tad bit. I like being held accountable and having to get things done. I like checking my account on pay day and feeling like I earned the money that is there. I also enjoy the opportunity to grow on a job - I like to feel like if I grind long and hard enough at some point it will make a difference in my title and pay rate. If the incentives are right, I'll work like a Hebrew slave - going above and beyond the call of duty. I'm good at work - not a particular job or title but the activity of work itself. I am REALLY good at working ... unless I have no motivation. At that point, I hit a wall and could give a f&*# about the job I hold. I'm now facing a wall at my current job.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good job. By industry standards and compared to others, this is a good assistant job. It is just that I feel so underutilized. I mean, I've mastered the art of answering calls, taking messages, organizing a schedule, getting gifts for other people's clients and families - all of that. I'm basically over being an assistant. BUT in this town, you just don't put in some time and then get promoted. All other types of factors have to be in play and none of those are in play for me at this time.

You'd think I'd be able to just get a new job. I mean I have experience with two different talent management companies and good references. I have a god damn law degree for pete's sake. BUT you'd be wrong. There's 100's of folk with the same credentials that I have vying to reach the executive level and leave their assistant duties behind. Additionally, I don't want to just get a new job. I don't want to go master mundane skills to help someone else make money and reach their destiny while I struggle with mine. I want to start my own company - I want to work for me. I want to put this energy and effort into doing what I want to do - not what I have to do.

So I'm working on a start up. I've got a partner and we're doing our thing - that is going fine, slowly but moving ahead. In the meantime, I've still got to eat, pay my rent and bills. I've got to have some income - stable income. I've also got to have a job that I get some enjoyment from - otherwise, I half-ass show up, doing the bare minimum to get by which doesn't help my career in the long run. I've got to get into the flow of this job and deal with it until something else comes along. I want to be excited again about working because right now googling is the only thing that keeps me excited at work!

On Hiatus

I'm officially CHECKED OUT! You may see me around, but it is not the "real" me - it is a psuedo me that is just getting through the day. I, the "real" me, will be back around May 1. I'm on an official break from my life. I can't take off that long so I'm working but I'm checked out - pretty much going to be the hamster on the wheel for a little while.

Until then ...

Bored but It Is Okay ....

I'm generally a conservative person when it comes to my appearance and sense of style. But when I'm going through things in my life I am quick to go out and make a change to my look. These changes have included piercings, drastic hair cuts and colorings and tattoos ... I need to get something done quickly - I feel like I'm about to literally die.

I am bored. I'm bored with my life right now. I'm bored with my situation. I'm bored with being so easily bored. I'm bored because I'm in financial dispair, uninspired, confused and unmotivated. I feel like I have no home, no where to turn - I feel like I'm a hamster just spinning on the wheel. There I said it. (First step to getting over something is admittance right?)

I desire some excitement, something that will make me feel ... well, make me feel something different than the way that I feel right now. I need something new because I'm simply tired of the old ... actually I'm tired of the now.

I haven't been fiscally responsible in quite some time, so I don't have money to go and get a haircut or a new tat or get my nose pierced again. I'm hanging out in this old, blah existence. Having no money is impeding on my freedom. I feel like I can't express myself because I don't have money to make anything happen.

Yes, everything I'm learning about spirituality and surrender says to just go with the flow, so I'm going with it - going with the flow instead of fighting it. This new life I'm trying to live and adjust to also says that I create my destiny, so I am confused as to what is going on subconsciously that desires boredom and bondage. ARGH! I am still not sure exactly what it means to live in the flow when the flow is so far from what I desire, but I'm going with it.

Moving into the flow ...

In chapter 7 of THE NEW EARTH, Eckhart Tolle says that it is important to be at peace with the present moment. When we are not, he says this is what happens -

"I'll be whatever you want me to be," says Life or the Now.

"I'll treat you the way you treat me. If you see me as a problem, I will be a problem to you.

If you treat me as an obstacle, I will be an obstacle."

Hmmm, maybe that's why everything is so ughh right now - because I've been treating the present moment like a means to an end.

A huge part of this spiritual equation is gratitude. I know I have so much to be grateful for - Afterall in so many aspects, I'm living the life I've always dreamt of having. My career is on track and I'm developing several projects that I can do on my own. I'm trying new things and meeting new people. I'm more aware than I've ever been in my life. I keep getting great gifts and all types of gifts and help exactly at the moment I need it. I'm also extremely grateful for my friendships and relationships now as well. I'm learning to have more deep relationships with people and learning to truly just be me all the time. I'm grateful for my blog because when I sit down and write from where I am in the moment, I can usually find some sort of solution.

At the end of the day, I know that everything will work out - things always do. It feels better already ... even with this same old hair and my little nose with no sparkly ring.