4.29.2008

She's BACK ...


There is something that happens to me in Miami. My very first trip there I flew into Hurricane Katrina and partied so hard that I knew and realized the fact that I should leave my going nowhere job at La Louisianne and really pursue what I came to L.A. to accomplish. The second time I went for my 30th birthday and realized without a doubt that I was loved by my peers and they really enjoyed my company. This time, the trip provided much insight and a sense of calm has appeared in my life.

First thing: I make a very good first impression and people are constantly showing up in my world to help me. My boss is from Miami and a while ago his friend came into the office. I jokingly said that I love Miami and when I was in town I'd give him a call. He assured me whenever I came he'd let me stay in a condo by the beach. About 2 days before my trip, his assistant emailed me the details of my stay (of course I was panicking b/c I didn't know that he'd come through). I stayed at an ocean front condo in Hallendale Beach ... FOR FREE! The place was extraordinarily nice and was the perfect setting for my trip to relieve my funk. It was so clear to me that God truly places us in the right places at the right times to meet those people who will align to help us. I often doubt that I am a recognized as a "good" person - this experience reminded me that I am - ESPECIALLY when I am not trying to be!

Second thing: Friends are exactly what is needed in times of funk. Everyone in my world contributes to my mental health. I am so blessed to have a "crew" in crazy LaLa land (L.A. can be so lonely - how lucky am I to have so many people I can count on in this crazy, crazy town?). Although I am good here, I sometimes long for people and things of my past. Indiana was the strangest time of my life. That is where I discovered I was a hot girl and that discovery was urged, helped along and sometimes coaxed by my dear Sista Smith
. I hadn't seen Karla since October 2006 for her wedding - luckily she married a guy from Florida and they were in town visiting her in-laws. We got to go to lunch on Sunday and that was good for my nerves. Yes, we email, phone and text all the time, but there was something to be said for seeing her and sitting next to her for just a small period of time. I also got to see my friend Kacy from law school (we hang quite a bit) and my true rockstar friends from college (who I won't disclose their names - they are not into internet sharing LOL!). It was good times for all - even though I only went to the club one night (BY CHOICE!).

Third: I am not in control and I don't have to struggle so hard to be. I realized on Sunday morning as the ocean breeze began to talk to me that I am not the boss of the world. I have been trying all year to be "perfect". (I stopped eating beef and pork, went to see a shaman, enrolled in a class at church and began to volunteer, signed up for Oprah's NEW EARTH class, got into yoga, found a new astrologer, tried to stop drinking and the list goes on.) I wanted to handle work perfectly - trying so hard to do everything right so that I can get some praise from my boss and co-workers. Trying to be the "perfect" roommate so that I could make up for taking the wrong bottle of wine back in January EVEN THOUGH simply replacing the bottle would be a better idea. Trying to be the "perfect" family member - agreeing to christen my cousin's baby and reaching out to my dad and step sister. Trying to be the "perfect" networker, only spending time with people and at events that would help my career. In the pursuit of all this perfection, I forgot and lost site of just being ME - whoever I am in the moment as opposed to who or what I desired to be at some later time. As I was reading THE NEW EARTH on the beach simply breathing, the truth spoke to me so loudly and so clearly that I felt somehow different. For the first time I can remember, the only thing that mattered was that moment and I didn't have to BE or DO anything - I was everything I needed to be. My mind began to replay all types of instances where I had NO hope (i.e. being close to not graduating college over French II; deciding to let my apartment go in Indiana before I was really ready to move; wrecking my car before going to law school; not having enough money for whatever the huge need at the moment was; etc, etc, etc). I remembered very clearly that everything just somehow worked out for the good. I realized that this funk was just another example of a "cloudy" situation and that the sun was coming again.

Fourth: When I hit those "rock bottom" moments before, things only got better when I literally let go. I would do as much as I possibly could and when I got to the point I just couldn't do anything, I just stopped doing anything. It is time to stop ... just stop and let it all be. I am done fighting, it is time to float. I'm ready to float - go with the flow and watch what happens. I'm going to do this one simply step at a time. I guess the first step is getting into the water. I'll return to the real world (water) tomorrow.

Hiatus officially over.

2 comments:

Josey said...

Seems like the trip was truly a success to help you out of the funk. Your insight was beautiful. I'm going to make a mental note to remind you to look back at that blog entry when you're in your next funk. Miss you tons!

Karla said...

Welcome back, baby doll!

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