Ahhhh, Miami ...

She's BACK ...

There is something that happens to me in Miami. My very first trip there I flew into Hurricane Katrina and partied so hard that I knew and realized the fact that I should leave my going nowhere job at La Louisianne and really pursue what I came to L.A. to accomplish. The second time I went for my 30th birthday and realized without a doubt that I was loved by my peers and they really enjoyed my company. This time, the trip provided much insight and a sense of calm has appeared in my life.

First thing: I make a very good first impression and people are constantly showing up in my world to help me. My boss is from Miami and a while ago his friend came into the office. I jokingly said that I love Miami and when I was in town I'd give him a call. He assured me whenever I came he'd let me stay in a condo by the beach. About 2 days before my trip, his assistant emailed me the details of my stay (of course I was panicking b/c I didn't know that he'd come through). I stayed at an ocean front condo in Hallendale Beach ... FOR FREE! The place was extraordinarily nice and was the perfect setting for my trip to relieve my funk. It was so clear to me that God truly places us in the right places at the right times to meet those people who will align to help us. I often doubt that I am a recognized as a "good" person - this experience reminded me that I am - ESPECIALLY when I am not trying to be!

Second thing: Friends are exactly what is needed in times of funk. Everyone in my world contributes to my mental health. I am so blessed to have a "crew" in crazy LaLa land (L.A. can be so lonely - how lucky am I to have so many people I can count on in this crazy, crazy town?). Although I am good here, I sometimes long for people and things of my past. Indiana was the strangest time of my life. That is where I discovered I was a hot girl and that discovery was urged, helped along and sometimes coaxed by my dear Sista Smith. I hadn't seen Karla since October 2006 for her wedding - luckily she married a guy from Florida and they were in town visiting her in-laws. We got to go to lunch on Sunday and that was good for my nerves. Yes, we email, phone and text all the time, but there was something to be said for seeing her and sitting next to her for just a small period of time. I also got to see my friend Kacy from law school (we hang quite a bit) and my true rockstar friends from college (who I won't disclose their names - they are not into internet sharing LOL!). It was good times for all - even though I only went to the club one night (BY CHOICE!).

Third: I am not in control and I don't have to struggle so hard to be. I realized on Sunday morning as the ocean breeze began to talk to me that I am not the boss of the world. I have been trying all year to be "perfect". (I stopped eating beef and pork, went to see a shaman, enrolled in a class at church and began to volunteer, signed up for Oprah's NEW EARTH class, got into yoga, found a new astrologer, tried to stop drinking and the list goes on.) I wanted to handle work perfectly - trying so hard to do everything right so that I can get some praise from my boss and co-workers. Trying to be the "perfect" roommate so that I could make up for taking the wrong bottle of wine back in January EVEN THOUGH simply replacing the bottle would be a better idea. Trying to be the "perfect" family member - agreeing to christen my cousin's baby and reaching out to my dad and step sister. Trying to be the "perfect" networker, only spending time with people and at events that would help my career. In the pursuit of all this perfection, I forgot and lost site of just being ME - whoever I am in the moment as opposed to who or what I desired to be at some later time. As I was reading THE NEW EARTH on the beach simply breathing, the truth spoke to me so loudly and so clearly that I felt somehow different. For the first time I can remember, the only thing that mattered was that moment and I didn't have to BE or DO anything - I was everything I needed to be. My mind began to replay all types of instances where I had NO hope (i.e. being close to not graduating college over French II; deciding to let my apartment go in Indiana before I was really ready to move; wrecking my car before going to law school; not having enough money for whatever the huge need at the moment was; etc, etc, etc). I remembered very clearly that everything just somehow worked out for the good. I realized that this funk was just another example of a "cloudy" situation and that the sun was coming again.

Fourth: When I hit those "rock bottom" moments before, things only got better when I literally let go. I would do as much as I possibly could and when I got to the point I just couldn't do anything, I just stopped doing anything. It is time to stop ... just stop and let it all be. I am done fighting, it is time to float. I'm ready to float - go with the flow and watch what happens. I'm going to do this one simply step at a time. I guess the first step is getting into the water. I'll return to the real world (water) tomorrow.

Hiatus officially over.

What Is My Problem ...

I've been in such a FUNK lately. I have been staying up late (I'm generally not up past 10:30/11 during the week) and getting up way early (not moving or doing anything productive, just laying there). I'm not content. I'm not at ease. I don't have peace. So what's my problem? I don't even know - I can't yet call it. To deal with my issues, I'm going to say F*&# it and go on vacation tomorrow. I need a break from the regular and the real. I need to just go be near some water and see if I can find some ease for my soul. I'm going to Miami to get away from my thoughts and just take some time to do me.

Let's hope it helps with this funk!

Good Bye Dear Shades

I can be somewhat cheap when it comes to purchasing expensive items - especially acessories. I can't count how many times I've gone into the store to purchase a Louis Vuitton bag and left because I couldn't bear the idea of spending that much for a purse. Or how I don't even look at Christian Louboutin's in the store because I know I can't afford it. About two years ago I put that all aside when I tried on a pair of Gucci shades at the urging of a store attendant. She was so right - they were literally amazing on my face. I HAD to have 'em.

They broke the other day. I was like no sweat, I can get the screw replaced. I went to Lens Crafters at lunch and after 10 minutes, I found out that it is impossible to fix. ARGH!!!!!!!! I'm so saddened by my loss. I mean for that type of money, I'd expect them to last for like five years or something (yes, in addition to my cheapness I keep stuff forever because it should just last darn it!). So as I search for an affordable replacement so I don't go blind in the Miami sun this weekend, I mourn the loss of my glasses. We've had some good times !!!

Work is Good

I LOVE work - I like having the responsibilities that having a job bring. I like having somewhere to be everyday at a certain time and I like that if I'm away somehow the workplace will suffer a tad bit. I like being held accountable and having to get things done. I like checking my account on pay day and feeling like I earned the money that is there. I also enjoy the opportunity to grow on a job - I like to feel like if I grind long and hard enough at some point it will make a difference in my title and pay rate. If the incentives are right, I'll work like a Hebrew slave - going above and beyond the call of duty. I'm good at work - not a particular job or title but the activity of work itself. I am REALLY good at working ... unless I have no motivation. At that point, I hit a wall and could give a f&*# about the job I hold. I'm now facing a wall at my current job.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good job. By industry standards and compared to others, this is a good assistant job. It is just that I feel so underutilized. I mean, I've mastered the art of answering calls, taking messages, organizing a schedule, getting gifts for other people's clients and families - all of that. I'm basically over being an assistant. BUT in this town, you just don't put in some time and then get promoted. All other types of factors have to be in play and none of those are in play for me at this time.

You'd think I'd be able to just get a new job. I mean I have experience with two different talent management companies and good references. I have a god damn law degree for pete's sake. BUT you'd be wrong. There's 100's of folk with the same credentials that I have vying to reach the executive level and leave their assistant duties behind. Additionally, I don't want to just get a new job. I don't want to go master mundane skills to help someone else make money and reach their destiny while I struggle with mine. I want to start my own company - I want to work for me. I want to put this energy and effort into doing what I want to do - not what I have to do.

So I'm working on a start up. I've got a partner and we're doing our thing - that is going fine, slowly but moving ahead. In the meantime, I've still got to eat, pay my rent and bills. I've got to have some income - stable income. I've also got to have a job that I get some enjoyment from - otherwise, I half-ass show up, doing the bare minimum to get by which doesn't help my career in the long run. I've got to get into the flow of this job and deal with it until something else comes along. I want to be excited again about working because right now googling is the only thing that keeps me excited at work!

On Hiatus

I'm officially CHECKED OUT! You may see me around, but it is not the "real" me - it is a psuedo me that is just getting through the day. I, the "real" me, will be back around May 1. I'm on an official break from my life. I can't take off that long so I'm working but I'm checked out - pretty much going to be the hamster on the wheel for a little while.

Until then ...

Bored but It Is Okay ....

I'm generally a conservative person when it comes to my appearance and sense of style. But when I'm going through things in my life I am quick to go out and make a change to my look. These changes have included piercings, drastic hair cuts and colorings and tattoos ... I need to get something done quickly - I feel like I'm about to literally die.

I am bored. I'm bored with my life right now. I'm bored with my situation. I'm bored with being so easily bored. I'm bored because I'm in financial dispair, uninspired, confused and unmotivated. I feel like I have no home, no where to turn - I feel like I'm a hamster just spinning on the wheel. There I said it. (First step to getting over something is admittance right?)

I desire some excitement, something that will make me feel ... well, make me feel something different than the way that I feel right now. I need something new because I'm simply tired of the old ... actually I'm tired of the now.

I haven't been fiscally responsible in quite some time, so I don't have money to go and get a haircut or a new tat or get my nose pierced again. I'm hanging out in this old, blah existence. Having no money is impeding on my freedom. I feel like I can't express myself because I don't have money to make anything happen.

Yes, everything I'm learning about spirituality and surrender says to just go with the flow, so I'm going with it - going with the flow instead of fighting it. This new life I'm trying to live and adjust to also says that I create my destiny, so I am confused as to what is going on subconsciously that desires boredom and bondage. ARGH! I am still not sure exactly what it means to live in the flow when the flow is so far from what I desire, but I'm going with it.

Moving into the flow ...

In chapter 7 of THE NEW EARTH, Eckhart Tolle says that it is important to be at peace with the present moment. When we are not, he says this is what happens -

"I'll be whatever you want me to be," says Life or the Now.

"I'll treat you the way you treat me. If you see me as a problem, I will be a problem to you.

If you treat me as an obstacle, I will be an obstacle."

Hmmm, maybe that's why everything is so ughh right now - because I've been treating the present moment like a means to an end.

A huge part of this spiritual equation is gratitude. I know I have so much to be grateful for - Afterall in so many aspects, I'm living the life I've always dreamt of having. My career is on track and I'm developing several projects that I can do on my own. I'm trying new things and meeting new people. I'm more aware than I've ever been in my life. I keep getting great gifts and all types of gifts and help exactly at the moment I need it. I'm also extremely grateful for my friendships and relationships now as well. I'm learning to have more deep relationships with people and learning to truly just be me all the time. I'm grateful for my blog because when I sit down and write from where I am in the moment, I can usually find some sort of solution.

At the end of the day, I know that everything will work out - things always do. It feels better already ... even with this same old hair and my little nose with no sparkly ring.

'Cause I Am THAT Chick!

I have a ton of characteristics - I can be fun, spontaneous, outgoing, bold, cool, optimistic. Most people view me as a very charasmatic, self-assured, confident person. I'm sure if you took a poll, everyone would say I was outgoing. But, there are a few that know the REAL truth - I am pretty shy. ESPECIALLY when it comes to guys I like!

Yes, I have been known on several occasions to literally fall in love in the club. Those were real life instances of "love at first site" so the "love" took me over so my nerves couldn't get in the way. In my more traditional relationships the beginning was always kind of bumpy because I can be so shy. Crushes are hard for me because I never know if I've done enough or if I'm doing too much. I can drive myself a little nutty.

Well, I've driven myself to that place of nuttiness.

I've got a crush. And I like him!

Problem is I've only seen once and I believe that I was so real and open with how I felt. Well, I did believe that until I told my friends what happened and they said I wasn't (well they didn't say I wasn't, they said maybe I should do more). I feel like I put it all out there and his lack of a response means he wasn't interested and so oh well. They feel that I didn't put it out there and he probably just doesn't know so I should call.

ME CALL?

Don't they know who I am! I'm DC! I'm like a pretty girl. A prize. A dime. I've got "good" hair. I got azz. Clearly they didn't see the dimples! I watch football and know how to cook. Let's not even discuss how down I am - Simply put I am THAT CHICK! Why should I have to call!?!?!? He should see me, see who and what I am and if he doesn't SCREW HIM - because I'm like me! His bad if he doesn't recognize.

But my friend asked me to consider that maybe it is my bad since I'm the one with the crush and I'm the one who's not getting what I want. I hate it when Mistie is right so I consulted Chante looking for a different answer, one that would support me. She had the audacity to say, "Well let's just play devil's advocate - have you done your part?" Or some crap to that extent. I was like WOW! Not only didn't I get the crush but now my girl's are ganging up on me. Where is Karla when I need her!!! Before I could speed dial Seattle it hit me that this was all my ego! Ego always needs to feel right. Ego makes us play the victim. Ego likes the drama. Ego is always the loud, judgemental voice.

Ego was driving the vehicle that helped me arrive to Nuttyville!

So I didn't call Karla. I didn't call the crush. I decided to breathe. Because I am that chick and I need a minute to decide what I'm going to say when I call (or text, or email) ...

This Guy

If you've known me for longer than 10 minutes, you know that I used to be pretty obsessed with all things Kobe Bryant (I gave up after he got married on me!). I'm pleased to share this video of MY personal pick for the greatest baller of our time. (Don't try this at home!!!)

Random Groups of 10

10 Things I want ...
* To be able to run - like FloJo run
* To be less compulsive and reactive
* Learn to be easy
* Let go of some stuff
* Be a better manager of my finances
* Be more grateful for the hand I'm playing
* Love myself unconditionally ALL THE TIME
* To be able to always see the good ALWAYS
* To fully accept myself - ALL of me
* To be more open and in the present

10 Things I Am Grateful for RIGHT NOW...
* Living in the City of Angels - where I've always wanted to reside
* Knowing that I am loved
* A new level of awareness
* Having a job I honestly love
* Independence and personal freedom
* Vision and the ability to see things in a better light
* Being able to communicate via text, IM and email
* Having live flowers around the office
* Really seeing how I am attracting certain things and people into my life
* Reality TV (tonight I catch up on Big Brother and Girliscious!!!)

10 Things I'd Eat IF I Wasn't Going to MIAMI in 15 Days ...
* A cupcake from Crumbs
* FRENCH FRIES
* Pizza
* Donuts
* Some Popeyes
* Nachos from Taco Bell
* Regular pasta (as opposed to the whole wheat variety)
* Anything w/whipped cream
* Chocolate cake from Ralph's
* Warm Chocolate chip cookies w/Ice Cream

10 Things I'd Do More if Money Weren't An Issue
* Take yoga classes consistently
* Get my hair done more often
* Visit my friends who live close
* Mail the boxes from my trunk to my little sister
* Get my nails done
* Eat better more consistently
* Keep my car washed
* Go see more movies
* Pay ALL of my bills on time
* Send birthday and milestone gifts to my friends/family kids

WOW!!!!!!

Last night I watched Monday night's episode of Flavor of Love 3. I was feeding my ego - you always know when it is ego when you feel superior to others. My ego always feels better when watching that show because it makes my situation of loneliness and unhappiness seem better -
"at least I'm not playing myself for Flav!".

Anyway, during one of the stunts last night, the girls split up into teams and had to act out their wedding to Flav. Hotlanta, who is being evicted because she spent her rent money to go onto the show, played one of the brides. She professed her love to Flav. Well, the task of the other girls was to object to the vows. Sincere, another contestant, blasted Hotlanta calling her all types of names and just really disrespecting her. Hotlanta was upset because the whole time Flav just looked back and forth between her and Sincere and said, "WOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW". Hotlanta said that she needed a man to defend her and that she was so disappointed that Flav didn't say a word. Later, she attempted to explain this to another contestant, Tree. She added that it bothers her that everyone says she's money hungry because Flav is not rich and this isn't even his house. Tree flipped the story and told Flav causing a huge house fight. Hotlanta was later eliminated from the show.

Now, even though watching the show began as an exercise in feeding my ego, I was alert and aware enough to realize quite a few things from this show. I have been thinking all season that someone should stand up to this guy. He's made all of these women look ridiculous - telling one that her breath was awful, making two girls explain why he should keep them, bringing in four new girls mid-way the show because the first set of women weren't good enough. Give me a break. I was proud that even in her alcohol driven haze, Hotlanta was able to recognize her worth and express exactly what it was that she wanted in a man. I felt like even though she was being called every name in the book (poor, trash, money hungry, whore), she stood firm that she was a good woman and Flav should recognize her as such. Regardless to how she was being judged she didn't let other people's views influence who she believed herself to be.

Wait, could it be that someone I had so little respect for and had judged on numerous occasions reminded me of one of the most important life lessons?

WOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Don't Drink the Kool-Aid - Vol. 1

When I was very young, I remember my aunt always saying that I was too quick to drink the Kool-Aid. I used to love her Kool-Aid, especially when she'd make it all pretty with lemons and other fruit. She was right, I'd try and drink the entire pitcher the first day because it was so good! When I was in the 7th grade, I learned of a man called Jim Jones and developed a new idea of why being so quick to drink the Kool-Aid might be a bad idea. While my aunt was concerned with my smile and skin (Kool-Aid has a lot of sugar and she was worried all my teeth would fall out and my face would break out), I now realize that sometimes drinking the Kool-Aid can cause more serious implications - including death.

Jim Jones was a preacher who in 1977 moved his church members from San Francisco to Guyana, South America. He was under investigation by the government for tax evasion and his followers believed in him so much that they decided to move away and build their own world/community. Not to bore with the historic details but when the US government became a threat to Jones, he killed all of the members of his church by having them drink Flavor-Aid (which was misidentified through the years as Kool-Aid) laced with cyanide. Everyone died. While it is unclear if the people voluntarily drank the juice or if they were forced, I believe they drank up because it seemed appealing. This man they loved and believed in told them it was a path to salvation so they did (after all they gave him all of their possessions and moved to South America because he said). When I first read of Jim Jones and the Guyana tragedy, I vowed not to drink the Kool-Aid ... that is not to believe something as true just because someone I respect (or even people in positions that I should respect) said it is so. I rather find out things on my own and develop my own beliefs. This is more true at this point than ever before because I know without a doubt that the every man's truth lies within him. There are no answers that we do not posses within us.

FEEDING ME KOOL-AID, April 3, 2008

So today I was reading an article on msn.com. The article suggested asked if single women were just too successful for a mate (MSN ARTICLE). It gave a lot of commentary on why women remain single, but as I read, I was reminded of the Kool-Aid. I'm not believing the hype that I'm too successful to find a mate. I also am not buying into the notion that I have too high standards and that is why I am single. I am not going to believe that I don't have a man because my social life is too fun to give up. They didn't go there, but I also don't believe that I don't have a man because all black men are dead or in jail; because of my family's history with men or because I'm somehow not good enough to get one.

Here's what I know for sure - they are tons of good men out there. How do I know? Well a)I have a ton of male friends who are VERY good men; b)I have several friends who are in great marriages and relationships with VERY good men and c)I see and meet VERY good men all the time. Just because I am surrounded by good men doesn't mean it is the time for a good man to enter my life. It also doesn't mean that any of these good men is the right man for me. Maybe this is a time for me to be single and learn and experience some things that are preparing me for my Mr. Right. And yes, while my standards may seem high to others they are MY standards so that is just fine for what I want. So yes I expect the man I end up with to know the difference between penne and fettuccine when ordering a meal and if he has a certain level of "swagger" and confidence, while someone else may be more concerned with his education level or intellectual prowess. The point is we all want what we want and once we are ready to receive it, it will appear.

I believe that when we don't have what we desire it is either because it is simply not for us or we are not ready to receive it. I know I don't have my good man yet because no matter what I say, my actions and beliefs indicate I am simply not ready. Do I think I'm somehow perfect right now and that I know everything about love? Well actually, I do think I'm am the perfect incarnation of DaVida Chanel. While I don't know everything about love in this moment, I do know that I am learning more and more everyday. And I know without a doubt that (as my roommate so eloquently penned) I AM THE PRIZE!

To conclude, don't drink the Kool-Aid about why there aren't enough men or why our standards are too high or any other version of why love has not found you. Replace the Kool Aid of "lack of love" and "there are no right men" with the cool refreshing water of "The right and perfect love for you will show up right on time!"

And besides, water has less calories and is good for your skin and teeth!