Hot Girl No More

For some time I've proclaimed myself a hot girl. A hot girl is hard to describe but think women like Samantha Jones. I admire the freedom and independence that being a hot girl has to offer. No worrying about some dude and if he's going to see that I'm good enough to settle down with - when you are a hot girl who cares what he thinks or wants. It doesn't matter because it is all in fun right?

My main issue or the flawed part of being a hot girl in this manner for me is that I tend to develop very strong feelings and I can be quite emotional. That does not fit into a hot girls' lifestyle. Hot girls "go hard" and just let things be. They are cool under pressure and don't let things, especially men, "really get to them". Hot girls have hard shells and don't let people get in. At the end of the day, they don't put out much or allow their total self shine through because they don't want some man to have that power over them. They want to feel free and not tied down to someone else's idea of who they "should" be. They don't want to be judged or held back. They want to do their own thing in their career, social life and other endeavors. Hot girls want to be in total control.

Even the fictional prototype for my hot girlness has faced this dilemma. Remember when she fell for Richard? Once you let your guard down, you are screwed - so you gotta stay hard. But sometimes when being "hard" that one finds you and you have no choice but to break down and put your hot girlness aside (like when she met Smith).

Sometimes you meet people that can change your perspective and give you hope that there is something better out there than the life you have lived to this point. It is very challenging for me because I am so used to doing things MY way. I established these ways to protect myself so the idea of releasing them seems hard. I'm not sure what is going on but for the first time since I vowed to be the last hot girl standing (the rest of 'em got married or engaged and settled down over the last few years), I see the value in being with just one person. I like the feeling of being involved in something a little more substantial. I now feel like getting into a relationship doesn't have to make me less anything. The whole notion doesn't seem as whack as it did before.

I admit, it was a man that changed my mind. Don't know for sure if he is THE man, but I'm not even attached to if he is or isn't - that's not the point. I'm more concerned with the lesson he was meant to bring. The point is that I remembered what I really want - the hot girlness is not my true desire - it is what I developed because I couldn't find and wasn't getting what I really wanted. At my very core, I want something real and substantial but because I didn't get that I decided to say F it and do my thing. I was being dishonest with myself and the men I knew - probably because I was confused and trying to possess them.

I take responsibility for my hot girlness and my past failures in relationships. I forgive myself for not being honest about what I truly wanted. I free myself to receive what it is that I really want. I no longer term myself a hot girl - like with other labels, I let it go (No Definition Can Hold Me). I am not putting everything on this one man, and I have no desire to possess him. I am, however, truly grateful that he reminded me of what it is I truly want.