Universal Mind Control

I feel very connected to music that is crossing the line - pushing the boundaries. I especially like music that makes me feel involved. Today I'm feeling Common's Universal Mind Control featuring Pharrell ... I don't know whether to breakdance or bootie shake!!! I LOVE IT! Hope you enjoy ;)

Letting Art Inspire Me ...

I love artistic people. I've always been drawn to people with talent. For a period in my life, it was a way to deny my own talent ... but now I let the talent of others push me to find my own gifts. During this week two people artists close to me have become my muses.

The first one is really close to home ... LOL! She lives in my home. It is my roommate. I've always known her to be a great writer with creative and inspired ideas. She's written some things that I've fallen in love with and I look forward to those times when she blogs. I didn't know she could draw though. I guess a couple of months ago I noticed this picture on the living room coffee table. It was a drawing of the magazine cover that lay near by. I was floored - could my roommate have drawn this? I asked and she said she'd always drawn a little (hmmm a little huh? It was an exact replica!). When her birthday approached I got the idea to give her a sketchbook and some color pencils. Both were on sale when I went to the art store and there were some charcoal sticks that were on clearance so I grabbed them as well. I felt it would be a good gift - I know she was feeling stuck in her writing so I felt if she explored her other creative talents, the writing ideas would flow. Well today I get ready to leave and she was sitting on the sofa with her pad. She then showed me this AMAZING picture she had drawn (I stole this copy from her facebook). And last night she told me that she began her blog again and about a new project she's beginning to write. I felt so inspired but not like before. Before I'd think "WOW, good for her what am I going to do?". Now I recognize the oneness of us all so her creativity fuels mine! How exciting?

My second form of artistic inspiration came from Terrance, my friend Mistie's boyfriend. He's always extremely positive and inspiring but lately he's been allowing himself to step outside of his confines and really go after it! He's a great photographer and graffiti artist and has begum to share that with others. As a result he was hired to do a backdrop for a show at the UCB! YAY! I hung out with he and Mistie last night and we just were talking about how things begin to shift when you know something and then put action behind it. His action is paying off. (Here are the pictures I swiped from his myspace ... LOL! I am quite the photo swiper today!)

In light of my many inspirations, I'm working on my own artistic endeavors. I know I am extremely creative ... now the letting go and just doing something. No expectations. No definitions. Just letting the art come out and through me. How exciting???

The 14 Day Jump Off

I've decided to go home on October 9th for the Homecoming weekend. I was going to get a ticket for either Homecoming or Thanksgiving and considering Thanksgiving is like $700, I opted for Homecoming (I got a ticket as a gift and didn't want to overdo it). I'm extremely excited because I graduated 10 years ago! Simultaneously I'm extremely freaked out because I graduated 10 years ago!!

It is all about perception and I have come to terms that my perception of myself is always a little more detailed (and critical) than most people. Back in 1998, I'll admit, I was a BANGER LOL! I'm pretty fabo now, but back then I was ON! My body was naturally tiny and toned - I was always a perfect size 6 with great skin and beautiful hair. Now don't get it twisted, I'm not ugly or obese or whack now LOL! I'm just a little "not quite right". So what do I do when I need a quick "get right"? I call Mr. Parker ... Not Nate Parker (who I call on in my dreams ALL THE TIME) but Scott Parker, trainer extraordinaire.

Scott trains me in so many ways - not only physical but mental and emotional as well. He's absolutely amazing. His method is simple but results driven. He spells it all out - eat this, do these moves and THINK like this ... I think the "thinking" is the most important part of his DaVida Smith regimen. Additionally he walks the walk. He stays positive and I have never heard him talking down on his situation - he's always speaking things into existence in his life and I notice I am too. The difference is he is speaking on those things he wants and I can tend to talk on those things I don't want.

Alas, Scott was there with the plan ... well I've ALWAYS had the plan but he gave me the motivation to get back on it. I've got 14 days (starting today) to "get it right, get it tight" and I'm READY! I was up at 6:30 this morning getting out of my head and into my body (Mistie was right on her advice that I'd feel better if my energy started moving out of my head). After all, I've got to go back and represent my BANGER status: Grown Azz Woman edition LOL! And God has been so good to me in the last 10 years I owe to myself (and the folk I'll see) to flaunt that!

100 Blogs And Counting!!!!

WOW! I can not believe it! I came up with a goal (to blog consistently) and I've actually achieved it! This is my 100th blog post to this site! WOO HOO! CELEBRATION!!!!

I am often hard on myself for starting things and not completing them, but this proves that I can set goals and accomplish them. I feel so great right now!!! I feel so good that the mountain climber in me (You know what mountain climbers see when they reach the top of a mountain? The next highest peak!) wants to set new goals. Here are the top 5 things I want to work on now ...

1. Find, implement and participate in a physical fitness routine that works for my schedule
2. Implement daily meditation into my spiritual practice
3. Save enough money to go to Kendra's wedding in the Bahamas this December
4. Continue to explore my career goals and find (or create) a position that allows me to do all I desire
5. Living a life driven from within instead of constantly seeking external things

I think my blog (and the blogs I read often) have given me great insight and inspiration to continue to grow into the autonomous creature I was created to be! I'm extremely excited about the unfolding of this journey and the opportunity to share it here on my blog!

Getting My Chant On

For a long time, I have shunned chanting. When I saw it in the Tina Turner biopic, I didn't understand it - how could saying those words really empower her life? About a year ago, I lived with a family that was Buddhist and they'd chant as a practice. At that point, I guess I understood the spiritual basis of it, but I couldn't get into chanting. They'd try to teach me but because I didn't know the words, I didn't get the meaning. On yesterday at church, I realized I do enjoy chanting ... when I know the words! I guess I have a language issue, not a chanting issue. So the chant, which all this time I considered a song goes like this:

Pour your love in me

Pour your love into my heart

Whoaohhooh wonderful spirit

So simple, but so profound. So now I find myself mentally chanting this when the day gets to be too much. Also, as the chant goes on the word love can be switched with other things you'd like at that moment (peace, joy, etc.). I think this week I'm going to be getting my chant on!

This Week ROCKS!

I am loving this week!!! So much good stuff happening ...

• So my favorite summer reality show is Big Brother. This year was the 10th and best ever in my opinion. Dan, one of my top three favorite players (I chose Libra, Renny and Dan) unanimously won and had the best strategic approach I have seen in all my years of watching the show. He played weak the whole time when in actuality he was clearly one of the most fierce competitors in the 10 year history of the show. YAY Dan!

• I began watching MTV's "G's to Gents" this summer as well and it's finale was also on Tuesday. This show was great because I got to see that Mr. Fonzworth Bentley, yep Puffy's former umbrella carrier, was not the buffoon I had pegged him as when he would dance around like a fool all the time. He hosted this show that gave young "G's" the opportunity to grow into gentlemen. The more I watched the show I realized Mr. Bentley was really genuine in his attempt to give these young men an opportunity to learn and grow. The transformation of the winner, Creepa (a self-pronounced goon) REALLY changed. It was an obvious growth right in front of over eyes over the duration of the show. YAY Creepa and Mr. Bentley!!! And most importantly YAY MTV for putting this type of programming on ... I mean it IS MTV so they could have reserved that space for a Hills spinoff or more Tila Tequila shows or better yet, as Common said, more bitchin' azz rich kids on Sweet Sixteen.



• I didn't just experience my life this week at home and at work. I actually got out and did some things. I didn't let the "oh no I can't because I have to work" excuse keep me in the house. I went out on Monday and Wednesday and have plans for Friday (there's the great program at church I'm excited about). I feel like this week has been an example in the balance that my life has needed for sometime. YAY Me!!
  



• This is a quick shout out my hot girl clique that will descend upon Indianapolis on Saturday. Unfortunately I won't be able to make it (unless of course I win some money on a scratch off lottery ticket and can get a last minute flight to 'Nap) but I know they will kick it in my absence in fine Hot Girl form! The gals are meeting because we decided at Karla's wedding to make it an event and of course since our dear Josey has found her true love and will tie the knot in November, it was perfect timing. I'll be there in spirit but I know how they do so it will be a great time! YAY Hot Girls! (Clarification - this picture is from Karla's wedding so Karla is somewhere being a blushing bride. Candice was not a member of the Hot Girls as she came to Purdue way later but we love her still and she'll probably be in the mix this weekend SO I hope the original Hot Girls make her take up the slack that will be missing since I won't make it!)

E I E I Uhhoooohhhh What's Poppin Tonight!!!

I've decided to take a proactive stance in my life. I'm going to work on erasing the areas I do not enjoy right now. I'm a firm believer that we co-create our experiences and I'm ready to step up and consciously create the life I want. Here are some areas I'm focusing on:

• Getting out and enjoying life: I have always enjoyed socializing ... not necessarily out to the club, but being amongst my friends/peers. I like to have people over to eat, watch movies and TV shows and enjoy book club type activities. I love going over to friends' houses for drinks or dinner or to play games. I love going out to dance or to see music shows in small venues. The beach is one of my favorites and I'm always down for an outside (by the pool or the roof) cookout or things of that nature. Overall, I enjoy hanging out. I've noticed that I have stopped a lot of those activities in my life and replaced them with excuses (you know 'em: I don't have any money, I have to work, I don't like going out in L.A., I don't have anything to do). I'm done lying to myself. The truth is I limit myself: for example, when I lived in Indiana I made $1000/monthly for about 8 months, worked at least 80 hours/week from the first 8 months of my new job while maintaing a part time job and found the time to have the best social life of my life to date! Not only did I go out all the time with my friends (various groups of friends mine you), I traveled all over(even though it was for work), hosted house parties, was in a book club, dated guys all the time and towards the end I even prepared for the freakin LSAT. What happened to that girl? She's still here and she's ready to get out and do some things.


• Embracing my Drama: here's an area I've not been living full out. Last night I went to go see Nelly at the House of Blues. When he first came out I loved his music. I remember he came to perform at Purdue and I had to go alone because my friends clowned me for becoming "Midwesternized".
  Last night reminded me of why I was so on Nelly and the St. Lunatics - it was because of the one dude with the face mask that would literally dance out the lyrics to each and every one of their hits - he was like the silent hype man (for the longest I thought he was mute because he never speaks at the shows). By looking at him, you can get a full understanding of each and every word they spit. There was a point in my life that - I was a full out interpretation of every thing I expressed. For instance if it were Fourth of July and I was feeling festive, I'd step out in an outfit inspired by that patriotism. If I were sad or unhappy, it would pass quickly because I'd fully express it (sometimes even wearing black lipstick to accompany my mood). If I wanted something, I spoke on it all the time - I embodied what I wanted even when it sounded illogical. I naturally put care, thought and effort in my actions - I want to reflect what it is I have going on. That is who I am and that's what I used to do and that is what I desire to do now. It wasn't always accepted or appreciated by the masses but I do know that those people who were with me were with me regardless so those who are really feeling me won't leave now. I think I eased up because I was called "dramatic". Even if it were meant in a kindhearted way, it stung and I viewed as a negative. Now, it is time to go back to that full expression of myself and let people say what they want.


• Being open: the times in my life when I was not concerned with the outcome and just doing what I wanted to do, I have been the most happy, adventurous and well rounded. I'm going to embrace more of that. Full, all in participation with no concern or worry on the "what is going to happen if" must return to the core creed of who I am and what I'm about.

I'm really excited about this change because unlike any other change I've ever participated in, this one is more of a move back into the more positive aspects of myself. It is not a mission to become like anything ... more of an exercise in realising who I've always been. Wow! I think this journey is about to get fun!

New Day, New Week

Alas, mid September is here. It is that time of year - back to school time, TV shows return from summer breaks, football - it is fall and I'm excited.

I love the fall - it is my time! As the leaves and trees turn brown and the night comes earlier, I turn within. This is the time of year my best planes are planted (so they can grow and harvest by spring). I got fine in the fall (I began working out with Scott during the fall two years ago before Karla's wedding.). I took the LSAT and applied to law school in the fall. Last fall I moved into my new place and did the Artists Way.

This fall, I'm intending to really do my part to prepare myself for the life I truly desire ... INCLUDING deciding all the things I truly want (because there are some things I'm a little unclear on). I am ready to get real with myself and truly see what it is that will make me happy and what better time than now in the fall!

I am excited about the prospects ahead of me!!!

Check Yo'self Befo' You Wreck Yo'self!

So it is time for a self check ...

I am doing a 40 day activity book called Calling In The One with a group of friends. The other day we had to do an activity where we wrote our essence characteristics ... characteristics of how we love. In order to find out we had to do a meditation, after which I found my love essence was kind and generous. Well, that kind and generous nature of love has met the other side of love I possess - harsh and tough!

I obviously love my family but my heart beats for my grandmother and my little sister. They are my lights and underlie most of the long term decisions I make. My sister can be a brat but I love her so freaking much. That girl has spunk and is beautiful. I do everything I do in part to show her what you can become when you are true to yourself and your desires. My grandmother took me in when my parents wouldn't so of course I'm ridiculously down for her. She raised me to be the amazing woman I am today so I feel I owe a lot to her. This woman and that little girl are my heart and my love for them is often put in a position to be tough and hard. Today's tough love is in defense of my sister.

There is a 16 year age difference between me and my sister and because of the way my mom positioned us after her birth, I'm seen as more of a parental figure (I was always playing a disciplinarian role with her because no one else was). Since my mother works a lot she spends a lot of time with my aunt. Well Hurricane Ike is headed toward their city. My mother is a health care professional has been assigned to work at the hospital until the hurricane situation is over. My sister will be with my aunt who has decided they will stay in her apartment during the storm. If you have any familiarity with Houston, she lives right off of 288 close to the Museum District and that is an area prone to flooding. My aunt works at the hospital and has told me that she has been given a pager that she can "press a button and a helicopter will come and get them if they are in extreme danger." REALLY?

If it is one thing I hate it is when someone tries to play me like a fool! In all my years I've never heard of a freaking pager that you press a freaking red button on that will initiate a helicopter coming to rescue you ESPECIALLY if you are NOT in the top 1 percent of the world's highest income. So now my sister is subject to being in the hurricane under the supervision of someone I feel is CLEARLY freaking delusional (a red button?????). So I am HOT!

This experience has placed me face to face with how I love. It is my love and concern for my family that caused me to care in the first place. I know I am right when I say to evacuate to higher ground (even if it is just going more north to an area that doesn't flood in Houston). BUT it is no longer about if I am right or wrong it is about why the heck would you subject young children (my aunt has a son) to the potential issues of hurricane force winds and rain? AND further why is my entire family believing this pager story?

I am BEYOND upset to the point where I can no longer even talk to them. I'm just over it ... but I'm not because this foolishness affects my heart. AND the fact that my sister has nightmares about rain because during a tropical storm the house flooded ...

I've officially checked myself - I recognize where my feelings are coming from and I clearly see my anger as a result of my feelings of not being heard and not having my opinion respected. How long will it be before they do a self check?

This picture was so amazingly beautiful to me that I had to post. The litle boy looks so hopeful, so excited, so ready for the future. And Obama with the eyes closed looks as if he's either imparting some wisdom (whether verbally or mentally) or just literally embracing the future. I got this picture in an email and was almost moved to tears. I am consumed with an unrelenting feeling of hope and excitement these days and I think this picture kind of found me in one of those moments. I know anything is possible. I know that change occurs when and as it should. I know that everything has a purpose and divine reason. I know that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be. And when I'm actively concentrating on those things, I feel like this little boy looks in the picture.

Exercise Pays Off

I've prayed consistently over the past year for an increase in my faith. And this prayer has been granted time and time again since May of this year ...

I've come to learn that when we pray for a certain quality, God puts us in a position to learn that quality. So in order for me to become more faithful, I have to be in situations that exercise my faith. It is like when you want to increase your leg muscles ... you kind of have to do squats, lunges and cardio or they just won't develop right? Well I got the revelation today that these things that have seemed so difficult in recent months are direct answers to my prayers.

When I had to deal with the mass exits of several of "friends" earlier this summer, I felt like it couldn't get worse. Then Gloria got sick. Then my financial situation went way south. Then I became unchallenged and unfulfilled at work. Then I got a new job that promised one pay only to get here and make significantly less than my old job that didn't pay enough. Then this guy I liked fell off the face of the earth. Then Gloria got really sick and I couldn't get home. Then she passed away. Then I went home and saw how much my family needed me and how far removed I was from them, I felt like crap.

But through out this all, something deep inside of me kept saying be faithful.

Every time I think ok, this is it, it surely can't get any worse, something even stranger and more tragic happens. But everytime it does, it is like my faith is getting stronger and becomes more real. Events have happened today that leave me in the most unstable situation ever. But through this tough last few months, I know for sure that this too will pass and that I'll be okay. I have chosen to just be faithful. I've chosen to believe in what I can not see. I have chosen right now in this moment to rely on the power that has gotten my out of and through dangers seen (and those unseen). I am choosing to keep going in the face of uncertainty believing and knowing that I am not alone.

I think this is the point where I get to show off what I've exercised ... you know like when you are working on your legs and they finally get right so you wear a mini skirt or shorts no matter what the weather is outside. I'm letting this faith hang out all over the place today.

Me and Holding On ...

In general, I don't like to let go. It just seems like a natural reflex for me to hold on. Funny thing is the one time I can remember being in a situation where I was in peril and extremely scared, I let go. (My friend had a motorbike and was teaching me to ride, I accelerated too fast and was headed for a tree so I let go of everything: hands, feet, everything.) But when it comes to normal everyday life, emotions and expectations, I hold on for dear life. Usually it is clear to me what I'm holding on to and I hold on with full awareness.

I'm going through a thing right now that I can't quite put my finger on. I've heard a lot that if you are experiencing pain or hurt, it is because you are holding on to something. It was said that you should accept what is going on and let it be. In theory that sounds good, but what is one to do when you don't even know what you are holding on to?

I am so perplexed right now. It is difficult to even put my feelings into words - I just feel them. I am in a huge state of "I don't know" or "Ugghhh" and am unsure of how to proceed. I'm willing to let go if only I can figure out what I'm holding on to ...