- Find, implement and participate in a physical fitness routine that works for my schedule
- Implement daily meditation into my spiritual practice
- Save enough money to go to Kendra's wedding in the Bahamas this December
- Continue to explore my career goals and find (or create) a position that allows me to do all I desire
- Living a life driven from within instead of constantly seeking external things
I think my blog (and the blogs I read often) have given me great insight and inspiration to continue to grow into the autonomous creature I was created to be! I'm extremely excited about the unfolding of this journey and the opportunity to share it here on my blog!
I am loving this week!!! So much good stuff happening ...
- So my favorite summer reality show is Big Brother. This year was the 10th and best ever in my opinion. Dan, one of my top three favorite players (I chose Libra, Renny and Dan) unanimously won and had the best strategic approach I have seen in all my years of watching the show. He played weak the whole time when in actuality he was clearly one of the most fierce competitors in the 10 year history of the show. YAY Dan!
- I began watching MTV's "G's to Gents" this summer as well and it's finale was also on Tuesday. This show was great because I got to see that Mr. Fonzworth Bentley, yep Puffy's former umbrella carrier, was not the buffoon I had pegged him as when he would dance around like a fool all the time. He hosted this show that gave young "G's" the opportunity to grow into gentlemen. The more I watched the show I realized Mr. Bentley was really genuine in his attempt to give these young men an opportunity to learn and grow. The transformation of the winner, Creepa (a self-pronounced goon) REALLY changed. It was an obvious growth right in front of over eyes over the duration of the show. YAY Creepa and Mr. Bentley!!! And most importantly YAY MTV for putting this type of programming on ... I mean it IS MTV so they could have reserved that space for a Hills spinoff or more Tila Tequila shows or better yet, as Common said, more bitchin' azz rich kids on Sweet Sixteen.
- I didn't just experience my life this week at home and at work. I actually got out and did some things. I didn't let the "oh no I can't because I have to work" excuse keep me in the house. I went out on Monday and Wednesday and have plans for Friday (there's the great program at church I'm excited about). I feel like this week has been an example in the balance that my life has needed for sometime. YAY Me!!
- This is a quick shout out my hot girl clique that will descend upon Indianapolis on Saturday. Unfortunately I won't be able to make it (unless of course I win some money on a scratch off lottery ticket and can get a last minute flight to 'Nap) but I know they will kick it in my absence in fine Hot Girl form! The gals are meeting because we decided at Karla's wedding to make it an event and of course since our dear Josey has found her true love and will tie the knot in November, it was perfect timing. I'll be there in spirit but I know how they do so it will be a great time! YAY Hot Girls! (Clarification - this picture is from Karla's wedding so Karla is somewhere being a blushing bride. Candice was not a member of the Hot Girls as she came to Purdue way later but we love her still and she'll probably be in the mix this weekend SO I hope the original Hot Girls make her take up the slack that will be missing since I won't make it!)
- Getting out and enjoying life: I have always enjoyed socializing ... not necessarily out to the club, but being amongst my friends/peers. I like to have people over to eat, watch movies and TV shows and enjoy book club type activities. I love going over to friends' houses for drinks or dinner or to play games. I love going out to dance or to see music shows in small venues. The beach is one of my favorites and I'm always down for an outside (by the pool or the roof) cookout or things of that nature. Overall, I enjoy hanging out. I've noticed that I have stopped a lot of those activities in my life and replaced them with excuses (you know 'em: I don't have any money, I have to work, I don't like going out in L.A., I don't have anything to do). I'm done lying to myself. The truth is I limit myself: for example, when I lived in Indiana I made $1000/monthly for about 8 months, worked at least 80 hours/week from the first 8 months of my new job while maintaing a part time job and found the time to have the best social life of my life to date! Not only did I go out all the time with my friends (various groups of friends mine you), I traveled all over(even though it was for work), hosted house parties, was in a book club, dated guys all the time and towards the end I even prepared for the freakin LSAT. What happened to that girl? She's still here and she's ready to get out and do some things.
- Embracing my Drama: here's an area I've not been living full out. Last night I went to go see Nelly at the House of Blues. When he first came out I loved his music. I remember he came to perform at Purdue and I had to go alone because my friends clowned me for becoming "Midwesternized".
Last night reminded me of why I was so on Nelly and the St. Lunatics - it was because of the one dude with the face mask that would literally dance out the lyrics to each and every one of their hits - he was like the silent hype man (for the longest I thought he was mute because he never speaks at the shows). By looking at him, you can get a full understanding of each and every word they spit. There was a point in my life that - I was a full out interpretation of every thing I expressed. For instance if it were Fourth of July and I was feeling festive, I'd step out in an outfit inspired by that patriotism. If I were sad or unhappy, it would pass quickly because I'd fully express it (sometimes even wearing black lipstick to accompany my mood). If I wanted something, I spoke on it all the time - I embodied what I wanted even when it sounded illogical. I naturally put care, thought and effort in my actions - I want to reflect what it is I have going on. That is who I am and that's what I used to do and that is what I desire to do now. It wasn't always accepted or appreciated by the masses but I do know that those people who were with me were with me regardless so those who are really feeling me won't leave now. I think I eased up because I was called "dramatic". Even if it were meant in a kindhearted way, it stung and I viewed as a negative. Now, it is time to go back to that full expression of myself and let people say what they want.
- Being open: the times in my life when I was not concerned with the outcome and just doing what I wanted to do, I have been the most happy, adventurous and well rounded. I'm going to embrace more of that. Full, all in participation with no concern or worry on the "what is going to happen if" must return to the core creed of who I am and what I'm about.
I'm really excited about this change because unlike any other change I've ever participated in, this one is more of a move back into the more positive aspects of myself. It is not a mission to become like anything ... more of an exercise in realising who I've always been. Wow! I think this journey is about to get fun!
I am doing a 40 day activity book called Calling In The One with a group of friends. The other day we had to do an activity where we wrote our essence characteristics ... characteristics of how we love. In order to find out we had to do a meditation, after which I found my love essence was kind and generous. Well, that kind and generous nature of love has met the other side of love I possess - harsh and tough!
I obviously love my family but my heart beats for my grandmother and my little sister. They are my lights and underlie most of the long term decisions I make. My sister can be a brat but I love her so freaking much. That girl has spunk and is beautiful. I do everything I do in part to show her what you can become when you are true to yourself and your desires. My grandmother took me in when my parents wouldn't so of course I'm ridiculously down for her. She raised me to be the amazing woman I am today so I feel I owe a lot to her. This woman and that little girl are my heart and my love for them is often put in a position to be tough and hard. Today's tough love is in defense of my sister.
There is a 16 year age difference between me and my sister and because of the way my mom positioned us after her birth, I'm seen as more of a parental figure (I was always playing a disciplinarian role with her because no one else was). Since my mother works a lot she spends a lot of time with my aunt. Well Hurricane Ike is headed toward their city. My mother is a health care professional has been assigned to work at the hospital until the hurricane situation is over. My sister will be with my aunt who has decided they will stay in her apartment during the storm. If you have any familiarity with Houston, she lives right off of 288 close to the Museum District and that is an area prone to flooding. My aunt works at the hospital and has told me that she has been given a pager that she can "press a button and a helicopter will come and get them if they are in extreme danger." REALLY?
If it is one thing I hate it is when someone tries to play me like a fool! In all my years I've never heard of a freaking pager that you press a freaking red button on that will initiate a helicopter coming to rescue you ESPECIALLY if you are NOT in the top 1 percent of the world's highest income. So now my sister is subject to being in the hurricane under the supervision of someone I feel is CLEARLY freaking delusional (a red button?????). So I am HOT!
This experience has placed me face to face with how I love. It is my love and concern for my family that caused me to care in the first place. I know I am right when I say to evacuate to higher ground (even if it is just going more north to an area that doesn't flood in Houston). BUT it is no longer about if I am right or wrong it is about why the heck would you subject young children (my aunt has a son) to the potential issues of hurricane force winds and rain? AND further why is my entire family believing this pager story?
I am BEYOND upset to the point where I can no longer even talk to them. I'm just over it ... but I'm not because this foolishness affects my heart. AND the fact that my sister has nightmares about rain because during a tropical storm the house flooded ...
I've officially checked myself - I recognize where my feelings are coming from and I clearly see my anger as a result of my feelings of not being heard and not having my opinion respected. How long will it be before they do a self check?
I'm going through a thing right now that I can't quite put my finger on. I've heard a lot that if you are experiencing pain or hurt, it is because you are holding on to something. It was said that you should accept what is going on and let it be. In theory that sounds good, but what is one to do when you don't even know what you are holding on to?
I am so perplexed right now. It is difficult to even put my feelings into words - I just feel them. I am in a huge state of "I don't know" or "Ugghhh" and am unsure of how to proceed. I'm willing to let go if only I can figure out what I'm holding on to ...