I have a confession - I can be a bit of a romantic ... well not in your flowers and candy kind of way, more of your crazy fatal attraction/stepford wife kind of way. Although it is not always obvious but I'm constantly looking for my perfect lover. Well not really looking but I'm generally ULTRA aware of coincidences and synchronicities as it relates to men ... even though sometimes they only exist in my head (after all our thoughts DO create our reality). My first reaction is OMG he is my SOULMATE then I go on this emotional and mental tangent of how this has got to be my Mr. Right. I concoct plans and thoughts around how we are going to have this relationship that is so amazing, so wonderful, so different and unique. No matter what I hold onto that dream until it is painfully and blatantly obvious he is not on the same page. (Funny I fall in the love in a matter of seconds but it takes sometimes years to fall out of it because after awhile I'm not even sure I'm "in love" but more so dedicated to getting the result I initially thought it was. My attitude becomes "Dammit we are going to be in love whether we like it or not!")
So I recognize I am making some progress. A long time ago before I was so enlightened I met this guy. He was (is) beautiful - inside and out. Physically, he was perfectly my type and mentally he was super intelligent and sensitive - an artist. He was way younger than me but I didn't care. The first time I saw him I had a very familiar feeling around him so I had to have him. I pursued him so tough that even though he had a girlfriend we kicked it - poor guy didn't have a chance (I hit him with so much at once, it was impossible for him to be faithful, so he broke down and gave in). I was so into that boy for a period of time. Luckily it ended as quickly. For whatever reason, I just stopped liking him one day (oh I know I met this other boy who took my heart instantly). Anyway, here's the revelation.
A few days ago I saw something online about this guy's sister which made me think of him so I searched him on Facebook. Come to find out, he's all about a spiritual journey like I am. He's into meditation and reads the same books I study from - and yes he is still fine and sexy as hell. AND now that I know more about astrology, I realize his birthday is a compatible date for me! (LMAO! Funny is that it is the same bday as the other boy I'm currently getting over.) My IMMEDIATE thoughts were OMG this is fate, he's my soulmate, we could be in love blah blah blah. BUT unlike before I was able to calm that line of thought just as immediately. I was able to remember that 1)I have a new girlfriend that I'm serious about being faithful to and 2)that soulmate familiar feeling can mean something else besides having sex and living this fantasy in my head of how love goes.
As I explore my patterns in love I recognize that I sometimes get all screwed up because instead of being aware of what is, I get caught up in what I want it to be. I can be quite stubborn - I don't care what ANYONE says if I feel like I'm in love I'm sticking with it until I just can't possibly hang on anymore (or of course I fall in a new love before that one has run its course). I'm tenacious with it - even with the guy backs off, I roll with it and step up my game (who can resist extreme kindness, great sex and good cooking? Very few a man!). I keep my focus on the end result of us ending up together until something happens to snap me out of that fantasy. Obviously this cycle can be taxing but I'm confident that now I recognize it for what it is, I can be empowered to make better decisions.
So I say all that to say, I can now be more aware of what IS instead of what I FANTASIZE things to be. So with this guy, I can see clearly what is - we are two people on a spiritual journey meant to uplift and motivate each other to continue on. And that is enough ... in fact that is wonderfully amazing! I get to grow and unfold with people I know - how EXCITING!