Thank You Scummy Boy THANK YOU

About 5 years ago, I saw this guy, Matt, I used to date for the last time. As I walked away I said to myself, "Oh well, thanks for nothing." Well I have to retract that statement. Matt was the person who introduced me to the wonderfulness of the Dave Matthews Band. This past weekend at New Orleans Jazzfest, I got to experience it for myself!!! I loved Dave (b/c his music touches me so, I can call him by his first name) on CD but seeing him live was AMAZING! I loved the show. I tried to stand still but the music kept taking me over. AMAZING!!! So come to find out, Dave has lived in New Orleans for about a year working on his latest album coming out this summer. He said the city inspired him! I think watching Dave, feeling the music, being fueled by the energy all inspired me to use this city as the place to tap into my creativity!

Ego Want vs. Spirit Want

Yesterday I had an argument with a friend. Well it went more like this -

Me: I am sorry but I don't want to be your friend anymore best of luck in life.

Friend: What?

Me: I'm sorry but I'm not feeling this friendship. It hurts to be around you.

Friend: That's messed up - you don't get everything you want so you quit. What about me? You're being selfish.

Me: I'm sorry it just hurts to be in your presence so leave me alone.

Friend: Alright fine.

Me: So that's it, you are really going to stop being my friend?

Friend: I'm giving you what you just asked for.

Me: That's not what I want, I just want you to be my friend.

Friend: No, you just want me to do what you want me to do.

Hmmmmm, this situation is ridiculously eye opening. One, I got enough "courage" to tell someone I didn't want to be their friend anymore b/c it does hurt that I like him but he doesn't like me (I emphasize courage b/c I was not so courageous, I sent this via text). If I'm honest, he's been clear for some time on that position. I think I was honest too but maybe not as much? I don't understand how he didn't see my hurt. I couldn't get how he wants me to be okay that we're still "BFF's" which means he wants to share stories of his love life w/me but I like him. I did say I wanted total honest and he is definitely that. I'm not lying when I say I want him to share things with me, I do b/c I don't want him to shut me out of parts of his life. I just wish his truth were different.

But it is not - it is what it is. Why does that bother me so? Because now I have to start over. Here was a perfectly good guy who I actually like hanging out with - he's my friend. Because I'm single and want to be in a relationship, it makes sense to me that he'd want to be with me - I'm a girl w/alot to offer. The problem is I know (KNOW) he doesn't want to be in a relationship (honestly I don't think he should be, he's not been single since high school). But even in knowing that, I can't help but think what about me? Why would he want to explore other women when I'm right here unless something is not right with me? I do know that "what about me" thinking is always of the ego. The ego wants us to believe that we've got to make things happen one particular way and if it doesn't something is wrong with us (of course my thoughts go to what's wrong w/me all the time). Ego always points to something is wrong with you while spirit always leads you to find the greater good in you. Long story short, when I really think about it, I'm not mad at him, I really don't even want him like that - I just want him to like me which would prove nothing is wrong with me (something it is impossible for another person to do). That's warped thinking I know (well actually it is ego based thinking and that gets us well me no where).

So from the spirit, this is what I want. I want my friend back - I want us to hang out and do all the fun things we've always done. I want to be able to talk to him about anything (including this crisis of ego vs. spirit I'm going through right now) and vice versa (yes even his desire to date other girls if that's what the conversation leads to). I want a truly platonic, lifelong friendship w/this boy (I really want to visit with his family later in life and tell his kids "when your dad was young" stories). I really think we have soul missions to complete (we REALLY do want to help shape our community for the better AND astrologically our charts indicate that we have those qualities to really make a difference). I want to be his friend - REAL friend. I also want this friendship to make me a better friend to my other friends. And that's the honest whole hearted, from my whole spirit truth.

The problem is when my ego and emotions get going, I can never articulate my true wants/desires from this friendship (b/c at the moment I can only see hurt and pain and the fact "he's making me look stupid"). I'm not sure what is going to happen now, but the goal is to let it be whatever it is. I totally get if he doesn't want to be my friend after yesterday but I'm still interested in being his. We shall see ...

Wanting Comfort Food

I feel like I'm pretty much over living in Los Angeles. I've come to terms with no beach here and am dealing with the weather which is much hotter and more humid. One thing I'm not over is the grocery store Trader Joe's. It was amazing - it is like a discount Whole Foods. I love their soups ESPECIALLY the tomato soup. It is so great and I need that tonight. Tonight I seek comfort.

I get so emotional sometimes. I get extremely scared and I find myself not functioning from the soul level. My ego screws me all up and I get so confused as to what is real and what isn't. I seek some answers and at the time I can only see my pain. It is hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view and I just see my hurt.

I had a lot of emotional pain today - probably most self inflicted but it still hurts. I wish I had some Trader Joe's soup. I went and got a cup from Whole Foods - let's home it rises to the challenge.

Book Recommendation

I decided last year that I was ready to fall in love. I wanted to make myself totally open to the idea of being in a relationship. I worked really hard - I began to meditate more. I sought advice from people I felt were in loving relationships. I told everyone I knew I was interested in falling in love. I made a vision board. I even got a group together to read "Calling In the One". I put in all this work but I didn't get my "goal" of a loving relationship.

A few weeks ago I got a library card and grabbed "The Path to Love" by Deepak Chopra. I see his books on every spiritual book list but had never read his work. I decided to grab it and see what it was all about.

It is a great read that was extremely beneficial to me. He breaks down what love is - an idea not quite the same as what I was calling love. I wanted this love I could define - I knew exactly what I wanted it to look like, feel like and I could easily grasp it. So I went out in search of those qualities and feelings and when they arose I figured it must be love. I made scenarios fit my thoughts and I ignored any reasoning, emotions or intuition that said this might not be the real thing. Even in my more enlightened state of searching for love, I was acting from ego. This book was extremely helpful because his strategies about love are soothing and healing. It feels good. I learned so much but most of all I learned that "we feel bored when we can't admit we have desires." WOW! What a statement. It made me start to realize there have been many desires I have suppressed because they seem unrealistic, silly or stupid. I feel like my time may have passed or that I don't have that particular talent anyway. Even with love or relationships rather, I get bored when I realize the person is not who I want them to be (because secretly if I can "fix" them, I won't have to "fix" me). This book was a great eye opener and manual for revealing more aspects of what love truly is like and I wholeheartedly recommend it!

It Goes On and On

I love Erykah Badu. I think she is one of the most beautiful, talented women out there and I think she is exemplifies true artistry. I feel like I grow or expand when I listen to her music. She doesn't seem at all concerned with what's mainstream, she truly gives us her heart through her music. I love music but don't do many concerts. I do love small venues or if it is a big event, I prefer outdoor concerts. Tomorrow one of my "I wish this show could happen" will happen! I'm going see Erykah Badu at Jazzfest!!!! Here's her doing Def Poetry Jam - I love when she sings the last verse on Outkast's song ... know the one I mean?

Rejected and Fine With It

This week has been full of rejection and I'm kind of excited by it.

First, I found out that this guy I heart hearts me too, but not in the same way. My heart for him is in a more intimate way, his heart for me is in a more like family way. I was pretty hurt at first but not anymore. If I'm honest with myself, there were several indications a relationship would not work b/n us. We are great friends and I'm learning to accept things as they are instead of forcing or willing them to be as I want. So I'm taking the time to transition from I heart you like a boo to just I heart you. And I'm not beating myself up about it ... just cause he doesn't want this lusciousness, the right man will (LOL! I mean that I'm well aware of my shine so just because he doesn't want me doesn't make anything wrong with me, his bad.)

Secondly, I did not get selected for the Mayoral's Fellowship I applied for. Once again, if I'm honest, I didn't want it anyway. I didn't enjoy the work I was doing there, I just REALLY liked the people and thought it was a "safe" way to transition to being in New Orleans and working in entertainment. Now that I'm working in physical production, I find that I like it tons more. I also find that the atmosphere charges me creatively. I feel like all the "crazy" ideas I come up with are possible and I find support from the other workers who have ideas as "crazy" as mine. Unlike the fellowship, I do not know what I'll be doing for the next 10 months but I'm faithful that it will work out and my needs will be taken care of.

Most importantly, these two events made me realize that I can sometimes talk myself into settling for things because they are simple. My guy friend for example is a great guy but he's really not my type. I found myself wanting to make it work because we were both here (I mean, he's single, I'm single, we have a great time together and we're focused on business goals/positive change for our community together BUT at the end of the day, not enough tenderness or the emotional support I long for in a relationship not to mention he is emotionally unavailable to me). On the fellowship, I was not happy when I volunteered at the location site. I'd never make enough money with just that one gig (I'd have to wait tables as well) and I'd be denying the creative pursuits I would like to pursue. I think NOT getting this guy and not getting this job are exactly what I needed.

So today I celebrate the end of those two things and I completely move on. I accept what is and I act accordingly. It is all good in the hood. OH and today I also celebrate the birth of my friend Karla's daughter - Ms. Kennedy Alise graced the world with her presence on Saturday night! Also shout out to my friend Mistie - today is her birthday!!!

Until next time ...

I Did That!

I picked this cute list up from *kay over at apt#412. Lists are so fun!!!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (good ole Church choir!)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (both - now I miss the beach again)
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (I'm an extra in "Friday Night Lights")
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (in the process of!)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I haven't done as much on this list as I'd like - gotta get that passport some work!!!

She's Got Skillz

Today at work most of my day was spent riding. UNTIL my coworker had an emergency and I had to drive to the Westbank (about 30 minutes in traffic) to pick up supplies ... in the Penske truck!!! LOL! I'm not the world's most authoritative driver (I kind of drive like my Granny) so I'm pretty stoked I made it there and back with no problems. This girl is a TROOPER!!!

Coming Into My Own

Last week I did a cleanse and I feel so much lighter this week. I feel optimistic and excited about the things to come. I feel that seeds I planted are beginning to spring forth!

• Today was the first "official" day of mine on the new gig. I am a production assistant on a feature shooting here in New Orleans. It is a big budget picture and I find the subject matter interesting. I found today that I like physical production. We mostly walked and drove around locations with the art department but it was so interesting to me. For instance, the project is set post civil war so they were discussing how to make simple changes like what to do with the numbers on the homes to make them look period. I never really thought about stuff like that before so this is a great learning experience. It is also exciting to see modern homes turn into that period in days. VERY exciting.
• I'm also finally feeling like my apartment is home. I feel really comfortable and am enjoying my space. It takes time to make a place home and there are still tons of improvements I'd like to make but right now it is cool.
• I'm enjoying physical activity! I do not like working out -it is like pulling teeth. I started walking just to get out and get moving. I really like it. I listen to positive and motivational podcasts and enjoy the sites around my neighborhood. I see something new each time I go out for a walk.
• I paid my taxes!!!!!!
• I've got a new creative idea I'm pursuing. It is way big for me and I'll definitely need to bring other people in at some point but I'm excited about the groundwork I need to put into the idea. I'm not yet ready to share (it is REALLY big) but more details to come.
• I'm going to be an auntie soon!!! My friend Karla is expecting and very soon we should have a new baby!

Playing Hooky ... Kind Of

Yesterday I worked a double at the restaurant - since it was Sunday I was scheduled for the morning shift. This girl I work with who never needed days off was going on a cruise so I picked up her evening shift. It was scheduled to be my last day there because today I was supposed to start work on my new gig - the production job on the movie. The restaurant knew the deal with the movie and was extremely cool about me leaving and coming back after it wraps in like 3 months. But because so many people were recently fired or quit, they asked if there was any way I could work tonight let them know.

So this morning I texted my new boss just to see where I should report at my 1pm start time (I work in locations so it is always different). He was like no sweat, come in tomorrow at 9 and by the way I'm paying you for today anyway. I was like COOL! Now I've got a free day. I don't want to work at the restaurant. I want to chill and relax. Maybe do some light cleaning and go buy some shoes ... comfortable, affordable flats that I can wear to work. I need to go pay some bills. I think I'm going to keep my day to myself!

Too Tired to Sleep

I worked all day today and around 7 I had to pump myself up to make it through the shift. Now at 11:30 pm, I'm tired but too wired to sleep. I decided to take a stroll through the blogosphere and came across a blog I liked. Eb the Celeb did a random 50 list so I decided to burn off some of this restless energy by tackling a list of my own!

This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS. Type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you see these 50 words. Don’t think and don’t go back and change. Doesn’t matter how random it is, just type it!

• 1. Beer: Good when cold sucks when not
• 2. Food: I love to eat
• 3. Relationships: working on the one w/self
• 4. Your CRUSH: ARGH drives me up a wall and shouldn't be my crush anymore but hey what are you gonna do?
• 5. Power Rangers: LMAO! I actually know one!
• 6. Life: aaahhhh life - how great this adventure is
• 7. The President: Is A M A Z I N G
• 8. Yummy: "Yummy yummy yummy I've got food in my tummy!"
• 9. Cars: Driving on an open highway
• 10. Movies: Love watching movies on lazy days!
• 11. Halloween: One of my favorites; I love playing dress up on regular days so Halloween is fun!
• 12. Sex: I really like sex LOL! No REALLY! I think my college psychology of sexuality imprinted on my brain that women reach their peak in their 30's ...
• 13. Religion: Is overrated; KNOWING and defining your own spirituality and living from that knowledge is where its at :)
• 14. Hate: is whack! At the end of the day where does it get us anyway?
• 15. Fear: is whack! LOL! But it can make things really complicated.
• 16. Marriage: Would be nice but I guess it is just not my time
• 17. Blondes: Have more fun? Tell Christina Milan - poor girl been getting dissed since she went that shade
• 18. Slippers: are good - wearing some fuzzy, cozy ones now :)
• 19. Shoes: are my weakness; I think shoes are what makes us women look sexy
• 20. Asians: that's a weird one ... what am I supposed to say about Asians?
• 21. Past time: Visioning
• 22. One night stand: ahhhh brings us back to No. 12
• 23. My cell phone: needs to be upgraded
• 24. Smoke: mmmmhhhmmmm it is almost the holiday dedicated to smoking
• 25. Fantasy: I'd like to start living the fantasy I have for my life
• 26. College: Was a big growing point in my life
• 27. High school life: was whack! I don't have fond memories of that time.
• 28. Pajamas: Love PJ's ... see #18
• 29. Stars: 1,000 stars in the sky and that's the reason why ...
• 30. Center: Finding your center is important before pursuing new goals
• 31. Alcohol: I need some alcohol (rubbing alcohol that is) for this bug bite on my leg ... itchy!
• 32. The word love: is wildly over-used and even more times, incorrectly used.
• 33. Friends: how many of us have them?
• 34. Money: comes and goes
• 35. Heartache: is tough
• 36. Time: is probably more vast than we can imagine
• 37. Divorce: seems to defeat the purpose
• 38. Dogs: can be loyal
• 39. Undies: have to compliment your outfit
• 40. Parents: are responsible for cultivating young lives ... a huge responsibility that some people just don't take seriously enough
• 41. Babies: are a real responsibility
• 42. Ex: Hmmmm, not sure who that would be since the last few dudes I dated didn't know they were in a relationship!
• 43. Song: sing me a song ...
• 44. Color: Necessary for this spring
• 5. Weddings: Aren't as important as the vows and meaning behind the ceremony
• 46. Pizza: has gotten creative these days
• 47. Hangout: not as much as I used to
• 48. Rest: is good.
• 49. Goal: to become all that I'm destined to become.
• 50. Inspiration: Knowing that I'm never truly alone because I know God is always with me.

Happy Easter

Faith in God is measured by confidence in yourself.

The kingdom of Heaven is WITHIN you ... I AM come that you might have life and
have it more abundantly.

Today Was A Good Day

Today was a pretty good day. I got up early and went for a long walk - no particular destination, just walking. I listened to Joel Osteen and Marianne Williamson, stopped at the library book sale and then came home, showered and got ready for the day.

First I had an eyebrow appointment. I love how my brows looked when they are done. It is hard to find someone who does them correctly. Thanks to a recommendation from a friend, I found Ty at Belladonna. A M A Z I N G! She was super cool and even let me snap a quick before and after shot.

By the time I was done, it was time for lunch. I didn't really know what I wanted and was driving around pretty aimlessly and came across the fruit man. He was great and for like $7, I got bananas, tomatoes, oranges and plums. But most of all his sign reminded me I had some avocados at home. I went to Whole Foods and got some organic corn chips and salsa, and returned to the house to whip up my guacamole and some spa water (mint, lemons, cucumbers, lime). DELISH!

I had an appointment with a new "therapist" to help me with my issues. He was great. We had a great connection and felt as if I'd known him for some time. I got tons of insight on my current situations, and even some work to do. After it was done, I got a call from my friend who was in town and we decided to go to dinner. She even brought me a hot date :)
My friend and her bright eyed boy took me out to dinner at good ole' Houston's (second dinner there this week!). We had a great time chatting and catching up.

I'll say today was a good day :)

Get Going ...

This week is about letting go. I've got too much stuff stored up and working myself silly obviously isn't the answer. So this week I'm letting go ...

Tomorrow I'm going get a hairstyle I've wanted for YEARS but never got. Let's hope it turns out right. (I've got all confidence in Dee who is doing my do on tomorrow! After all her name is Dee like my nickname how bad can it be?). I'm getting a weave - partially b/c in my attempt b/c as I was cleaning out my stuff I found my $350 "good hair" from Xtensions Plus that I bought and only wore for like 3 weeks. I'm going to let her cut it and hopefully I'll look like this:

I'm also cleaning up some crap this week. I have a tendency to hold on to things way past their time - I have some pants I bought when I was in college. They don't fit well (I'm not sure they ever did but they were on sale) and they are no longer in style but I keep them around b/c they are consistent (meaning I can wear them in a "work" setting). Time for them and the other stuff that is just festering in my closet to go. I am tossing old makeup I never use, the random sheets of paper (YES! I drove from Texas to California and then from Cali' to Louisiana with freaking paper!). This paper is random printing paper that is no longer bright white but kind of dingy that I didn't want to throw away b/c I might have to print something (even though the whole time in Cali' I never bought ink for my printer). Well it is getting tossed! I've got several earrings with no matches I was hoping the missing one would show up and it hasn't. I've got so much random crap it makes it hard for new stuff to come in. And that is the goal this week - releasing so I can make room for what is trying to come in.

I've said before how I have so many great, loving friends. But I tend to spend so much time on the random folks that may or may not care about me that I don't have time to build upon those solid friendships. So this week is about exploring what I'm getting out of those taxing relationships and letting it go!

I'm detoxing this week - so all that crappy stuff let over in my body - yep it has got to go too! Yep, I'm getting rid of EVERYTHING this week - if it no longer serves me it is time to LET GO! I'm ready because at the end of this week if I'm left with nothing, I'll still be left with me ... the real me sans the stuff and that sounds just fine to me.

Blah ...

I feel blah today. My meeting yesterday was ok but not great. My "partner" and I went to dinner and he's still trying to move forward - how do you move forward with such a huge issue not even 48 hours old? I don't know if I want to be anybody's partner. I wish I could do everything I wanted or needed to on my own from the comfort of my apartment. I guess that isn't fully true, but that IS how I feel right now. I need to go talk to a professional LOL!

Seriously though I think it may be a positive thing to go to counseling or therapy right now. I don't think I've fully dealt with my job loss thing. I'm REALLY into my work and what it is I do and now I don't really do anything. Yes I'm working on my own projects (sometimes) but I mean I am not on a career track for the first time since I graduated college and it feels uncomfortable. Yes there are days when I love the flexibility of waiting tables, but I'd feel much better if I had a REAL job to go to everyday (you know with a desk, and voicemail, and tasks to get accomplished). I also find that I still have some lingering daddy issues (and I thought the whole my name is a lie thing was behind me!). Those issues come up when people are leaving. Even though I KNOW that letting them go may be better, it feels like the whole they are leaving me b/c something must be wrong with me crap I felt as a kid when my parents weren't around.

I wish I were stronger and able to fight through this better and with more conviction. It makes me feel weak that I'm dealing with the same stuff for what seems like the 100th time. I feel like I have no clue how to take care of me and that sucks. ARGH why all this blahness today?

Being Led or Chasing

Last night I was so upset over my meeting today. It is at 5pm and I'm pitching some promotional ideas at thsi hotel here where I want to do events. I have (had) a partner and he flipped out on me last night, driving me to this horrible place I go to when people are leaving (good old abandoned child issues recurrence). Anyway I woke up this morning feeling much better and more energized and had this great conversation w/my friend Mistie. When I told her I was scared because I didn't know if I could go through w/this alone, she asked a question that was an AHA moment if I'd ever had one:

Are you being led to this or are you chasing this?

She went on to tell me that when we are led to things it can be fearful because we don't really know what to expect next. She asked how the meeting came about - I told her I went to the hotel bar and was chatting with the bartender. We were discussing which nights were busier and which were slower. When she asked why I told her I had an interest in doing events. She said she'd get me her boss' card and I should email him. Instead of getting the card, she brought over her boss and he and I began to chat. I emailed him the next week and we sat a date. She said that sounds like it just happened and you weren't really chasing that especially b/c you didn't leave home with that agenda or destination in mind.

We continued to chat and she asked about the argument with the partner. Well that is a clear chasing situation. I've been chasing him for sometime b/c I want to work with him and create things with him (LOL! Whether he likes it or not!). Seriously though, we have complimentary qualities and I really wanted to get into business w/him but on yesterday with no time left to plan I felt he let me down and when I tried to express that he literally hung up on me and sent a nasty text. We talked later but the damage was done, I felt alone and abandoned and unsure of myself in this situation. This all sparked the bigger issue of my need to do things with the help of others. I find it hard to step out and do things alone sometimes. I feel like it can be too much for just me or that people won't respond well to me. All of my insecurities and crappy stuff rises to the top and I often talk myself out of it.

After sharing that w/Mistie, she said well sounds like you might be being led to do this project independently. I think she may be right ...