Yesterday I had an argument with a friend. Well it went more like this -
Me: I am sorry but I don't want to be your friend anymore best of luck in life.
Me: I'm sorry but I'm not feeling this friendship. It hurts to be around you.
Friend: That's messed up - you don't get everything you want so you quit. What about me? You're being selfish.
Me: I'm sorry it just hurts to be in your presence so leave me alone.
Friend: Alright fine.
Me: So that's it, you are really going to stop being my friend?
Friend: I'm giving you what you just asked for.
Me: That's not what I want, I just want you to be my friend.
Friend: No, you just want me to do what you want me to do.
Hmmmmm, this situation is ridiculously eye opening. One, I got enough "courage" to tell someone I didn't want to be their friend anymore b/c it does hurt that I like him but he doesn't like me (I emphasize courage b/c I was not so courageous, I sent this via text). If I'm honest, he's been clear for some time on that position. I think I was honest too but maybe not as much? I don't understand how he didn't see my hurt. I couldn't get how he wants me to be okay that we're still "BFF's" which means he wants to share stories of his love life w/me but I like him. I did say I wanted total honest and he is definitely that. I'm not lying when I say I want him to share things with me, I do b/c I don't want him to shut me out of parts of his life. I just wish his truth were different.
But it is not - it is what it is. Why does that bother me so? Because now I have to start over. Here was a perfectly good guy who I actually like hanging out with - he's my friend. Because I'm single and want to be in a relationship, it makes sense to me that he'd want to be with me - I'm a girl w/alot to offer. The problem is I know (KNOW) he doesn't want to be in a relationship (honestly I don't think he should be, he's not been single since high school). But even in knowing that, I can't help but think what about me? Why would he want to explore other women when I'm right here unless something is not right with me? I do know that "what about me" thinking is always of the ego. The ego wants us to believe that we've got to make things happen one particular way and if it doesn't something is wrong with us (of course my thoughts go to what's wrong w/me all the time). Ego always points to something is wrong with you while spirit always leads you to find the greater good in you. Long story short, when I really think about it, I'm not mad at him, I really don't even want him like that - I just want him to like me which would prove nothing is wrong with me (something it is impossible for another person to do). That's warped thinking I know (well actually it is ego based thinking and that gets us well me no where).
So from the spirit, this is what I want. I want my friend back - I want us to hang out and do all the fun things we've always done. I want to be able to talk to him about anything (including this crisis of ego vs. spirit I'm going through right now) and vice versa (yes even his desire to date other girls if that's what the conversation leads to). I want a truly platonic, lifelong friendship w/this boy (I really want to visit with his family later in life and tell his kids "when your dad was young" stories). I really think we have soul missions to complete (we REALLY do want to help shape our community for the better AND astrologically our charts indicate that we have those qualities to really make a difference). I want to be his friend - REAL friend. I also want this friendship to make me a better friend to my other friends. And that's the honest whole hearted, from my whole spirit truth.
The problem is when my ego and emotions get going, I can never articulate my true wants/desires from this friendship (b/c at the moment I can only see hurt and pain and the fact "he's making me look stupid"). I'm not sure what is going to happen now, but the goal is to let it be whatever it is. I totally get if he doesn't want to be my friend after yesterday but I'm still interested in being his. We shall see ...