Last night I was so upset over my meeting today. It is at 5pm and I'm pitching some promotional ideas at thsi hotel here where I want to do events. I have (had) a partner and he flipped out on me last night, driving me to this horrible place I go to when people are leaving (good old abandoned child issues recurrence). Anyway I woke up this morning feeling much better and more energized and had this great conversation w/my friend Mistie. When I told her I was scared because I didn't know if I could go through w/this alone, she asked a question that was an AHA moment if I'd ever had one:
Are you being led to this or are you chasing this?
She went on to tell me that when we are led to things it can be fearful because we don't really know what to expect next. She asked how the meeting came about - I told her I went to the hotel bar and was chatting with the bartender. We were discussing which nights were busier and which were slower. When she asked why I told her I had an interest in doing events. She said she'd get me her boss' card and I should email him. Instead of getting the card, she brought over her boss and he and I began to chat. I emailed him the next week and we sat a date. She said that sounds like it just happened and you weren't really chasing that especially b/c you didn't leave home with that agenda or destination in mind.
We continued to chat and she asked about the argument with the partner. Well that is a clear chasing situation. I've been chasing him for sometime b/c I want to work with him and create things with him (LOL! Whether he likes it or not!). Seriously though, we have complimentary qualities and I really wanted to get into business w/him but on yesterday with no time left to plan I felt he let me down and when I tried to express that he literally hung up on me and sent a nasty text. We talked later but the damage was done, I felt alone and abandoned and unsure of myself in this situation. This all sparked the bigger issue of my need to do things with the help of others. I find it hard to step out and do things alone sometimes. I feel like it can be too much for just me or that people won't respond well to me. All of my insecurities and crappy stuff rises to the top and I often talk myself out of it.
After sharing that w/Mistie, she said well sounds like you might be being led to do this project independently. I think she may be right ...